Relationships are having a massive renaissance right now (helloooo break-up/ divorce season!)
So with this time, it’s an opportunity to ask ourselves – who do we desire to become on the other side of this portal?
The answer is: your ✨dream girl.✨
Which isn’t the picture-perfect trophy girl in society’s standards. But knowing what your version of the dream girl is, based on your values, desires, and vision.
And this is exactly what we dive into in this week’s Highest Self Podcast episode with my bestie Rosie Acosta.
Some key moments from this dream girl episode are…
– What we used to think being a dream girl was based on pop culture and history growing up
– Our experiences growing up dealing with expectations and judgment as women
– Common attributes and characteristics of a dream girl
– Why being a dream girl has felt unattainable
– Rebellion against being a dream girl
– How to flip the script on being a dream girl and turn it into a source of empowerment
– Being both feminine and a feminist
– Being a dream girl both in a relationship and not in a relationship
– The power of taking time to get ready and look/feel good each day
– Polarity in relationships
– Not being afraid to be over the top and stand out
– And SOUL much more!
This episode is all about reflection and finding the gems that stand out to YOU.
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Transcript
Episode #516: How To Be The Dream Girl with Rosie Acosta
By Sahara Rose
[00:00] Sahara
That’s what being my dream girl is, is like, like, 50% human, 50% art, that, like, everything I’m doing is an expression of my creativity, from the way I adorn myself, to the poetry that I write, to the way that I start my day, to the conversations that I’m having. And then, like, when I’m sad, like, you know me, I’m writing a million poems about it, I’m in my feels around it that it’s like, even I might, like, cry little dream girl tears, you know, and it, like, makes everything so much more beautiful because that’s, like, what romanticizing your life really is about.
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[00:42] Sahara
Welcome back to The Highest Self Podcast, my name is Sahara Rose, and this Podcast is all about taking spiritual concepts and making it fun, grounded, relatable, sexy!
[00:51] Sahara
And I’m here today with my bestie, Rosie Acosta. This has become a monthly tradition here because our voice notes have been so lit, so off the charts, incredible, for the past, like, 7 years, that we’re like “Okay, we need to bring this shit on the Podcast”.
So, these are conversations that we are having in our real-life reality, that we bring to the Podcast because, probably, you’ve thought about some of these things, or you wish you had a friend that you could really dive into, so, we might bring up some new concepts and things you may have heard of or thought about before, and just sharing our two senses on it.
[01:24] Sahara
So, for those of you who don’t know, Rosie and I are in very different places in our relationship. So, for both of us, we are serial monogamists, we’re serial monogamists with each other, first and foremost, but I was in a 7-year relationship that ended last year, she is in currently in a 20-year relationship. So, gold star to her, I’ll just listen to whatever the fuck she has to say!
[01:48] Sahara
So, we love talking about relationship stuff and really grounding it in because there’s a lot happening in online dating, and I feel like relationships are having a massive renaissance right now. Because, back in the day, it was really clear what the roles were, husband, wife, mother, father, and while it was limiting, it also brought a lot of clarity, right? This is what a man does, this is what a woman does. And you might not like it, but you could expect what was to come. Whereas right now, everything is kind of, like, up in the air. And I feel like the dust has, kind of, been lifted and we’re, sort of, finding our own places in relationships right now.
So, on one end, there’s a lot of confusion about “Well, what do we expect? What are these roles about? How can we be in the types of relationships that we want? What are the relationships that we want?” And then, on the other end, is this liberation of “Wow, we get to redefine this thing for ourselves and no longer follow rules that were not really serving us”.
[02:44] Sahara
So, a topic of conversation we’ve been having recently is about being the dream girl, and what is a dream girl? You know, when I think of dream girls, I think about that movie with Beyonce from like 10 years ago. But we hear about this concept a lot, so we wanted to break down how to be the dream girl and what that means for both of us.
[03:03] Sahara
So, welcome Rosie!
[03:04] Rosie
Yay! Thank you, I’m excited, what a great topic! What a great topic! By the way, you’re my dream girl right now.
[03:11] Sahara
Dream girl… Do you remember that movie with Tyra Banks, also, [sings]
[03:19] Rosie
No.
[03:20] Sahara
[Dress her up…], uhm, it was called Life Size.
[03:23] Rosie
Oh yeah!
[03:24] Sahara
And she was like a Barbie that came to life…no she was a mannequin that came to life. So, that was like the OG, like, 2000 version, now we just had this Barbie movie that came out, which is having a huge Barbie renaissance. And we can, like, talk about that movie too, in this conversation because I feel like it’s all related to this concept of the dream girl that has been a concept…who’s like OG dream girls? Like, Cleopatra, like, Aphrodite, like, these Goddesses were dream girls in their time. So, I feel like there always has been this, like, aspect of culture, of the woman who is in her full power, in her full beauty, in her full glamor magic and sensuality, and abundance, and femininity, and that having an allure, a draw, not just from the men, but also the women who are like “How can I access that dream girl in myself?”
So, I’m curious, when you tune into the energy of dream girl, what do you feel?
[04:15] Rosie
Yeah. I think, well, first of all, it’s really interesting to me because what you’re saying, sounds very empowering, right? And so, for me, I have a little bit of a different ideology about it, especially when I was younger, because a dream girl was, you know, the Sports Illustrated model, it was the Victoria’s Secret model, it was something that was so unattainable, right, especially when you’re growing up in a certain environment where you don’t really see a lot of what is being fed to you that is dream girl, right? We have these aspirations of “This is what I’m supposed to look like, this is what I’m supposed to be like, this is what I’m supposed to talk like, in order for people to like me”, right?
So, I think that the most important question is, what is, where does this dream girl concept come from in the first place, right? Because I love what you’re saying, and I think, you and I, when we’ve had this conversation before, this idea of dream girl is more of an empowerment piece, it’s more immersive, it’s more grounded, it’s more empowered, it’s very confident and it feels very connected. As opposed to this idea, for me, and I’m older, so, for me, growing up, there was just a different archetype of what a dream girl was, right?
So, for example, you asked the question, before I was in my, now 20-year relationship, I had dated, I want to say boys, but I guess, you know, I was between high school and my late teens, I was with men who were very vocal about the way that women are supposed to look, right?
I had a boyfriend at the time who, all of his friends would say, in front of their girlfriends, “We won’t sleep with our mate unless they’re wearing lingerie”, right, like, that’s just the…we won’t even look at you, type of thing.
And at the beginning, I was like “Okay, this is fine, they have a fantasy or that’s their way of being attracted”, but it was a little bit more derogatory than it was something of empowerment, it was “If you don’t look like the women I see outside, or the women that I see in magazines, then I’m not going to want you”, right?
So, then, for me, this idea of dream girl was a little bit corroded because it made me feel insecure and it made me feel like I’m never going to look like this, right, I’m never going to look like these women. And I’d buy lingerie and, you know, you’re 18/19 and I have baby fat you know, and it just didn’t feel good to me. And, you know, it wasn’t until later that I started to really explore what being a dream girl, or what being confident, meant to me, and then I can explore the dream girl concept from a more connected and a more feminist, I guess, perspective of empowerment.
So, yeah, I think that’s really interesting. I’m curious if you think back, if you’ve had any sort of similar experiences like that?
[07:39] Sahara
Well, of course, child of the 90s, I mean, Cosmo magazine, all of, you know, the celebrity gossip and the idealization of that, like, super anorexic body. So, for sure! The Victoria’s Secret angels being like the pinnacle of a woman’s success.
So, yeah, I would look at them…I remember reading articles like “Britney Spears does a thousand crunches a day”, I’m like, I will do a thousand crunches a day! Twenty crunches in, you know.
So, I feel like there’s, like, level, right, and I love looking at, like, levels of consciousness. So, level of consciousness one of dream girl is that, it’s this unattainable beauty standard that no one can get, she’s perfect, sha has it all figured out, she never sweats, never farts, never shits, never bleeds, like, she is the Barbie in the Barbie box, you know.
And then I think we go through this, like, backlash of like “I’m not that, so screw that, I’m going to be the opposite of that”, you know “I’m going to…”, you know, and for everyone, it’s different. For some people it’s like “I’m going to grow my body hair”, “I’m going to shave my head or cut my hair”, “I’m going to wear all black”, “I’m going to…you know…”. For me, it was like, I went super yogic, like, I was only wearing baggy, white clothes and you know, my Indian shawls, and I never wore any makeup and that was me being like…you know, because before that, when I was in college, I was very into getting dressed up and going out, and designer bags, and shoes, and all of the things. And then, towards the end of it/after, I went the opposite way.
And I think you need that equilibrium to be like “I am not that, I’m going to get rid of all these standards and see who I am outside of that”.
Then I feel like, eventually, comes this level three of, there’s something so innate in the feminine consciousness that attunes us to beauty. And you see that, from the time a little girl who adheres feminine, is a child, it’s not something that’s just societal conditioning. Like, iff people who have kids, it’s like, you see it, it’s like, the girl, she wants to put on her mom’s makeup and shoes, and she wants to take care… it’s like, in the feminine consciousness, and there’s a lot of science and biology. You know, there’s a really interesting book called “Survival of the Prettiest”, of how, due to evolutionary and biological, you know, procreation, women wanted to be the most beautiful because it meant the highest likelihood for them to get the alpha male’s sperm. So, like, there are evolutionary reasons to this.
But I also think it’s like, that’s what the feminine does, spiritually. Like, the feminine is here to bring beauty and inspiration to the world. Like, the feminine is the flower, you know, she is the muse, we are the prize, and we forget that.
[10:10] Rosie
Yeah.
[10:10] Sahara
Like, even in the Barbie movie, I feel like that’s what they missed. Like, it was very stage two of consciousness, of like “Screw that, like, we’re feminist and we don’t need no man, and we’re taking over”, and it’s like, great, women can do everything a man can do, but do we want to, like, do we want to actually play both roles, you know?
And again, I think it’s a matter of choice, maybe some people do and some people don’t. But then, I feel like the stage three is like, what is being a dream girl to you, you know? And she might have different times and textures.
I’m my dream girl when I’m naked in a waterfall, with no makeup and I’m just, like, so attuned to earth, and I’m, like, writing poetry and I just feel like my best mermaid self, I feel like my dream self there. But I also feel like my dream self with these amazing hair extensions, and my glam on, and my cute little outfit, and my nails, and I’m just like, I feel like I just, like, made myself a walking piece of art, and I feel like my dream girl there. I also feel like my dream girl when I’m speaking on stage to hundreds of people and I’m inspiring them. I feel like my dream girl self when I’m like “Holy shit, I built this business on my own, or I wrote this book on my own”, and it’s like, all of those things make you your dream girl. So, I feel it’s realizing it’s not just the thing that society tells us is the dream girl, but it’s finding our own relationship there.
[11:29] Rosie
Yeah. No, that’s the part, I think that, I totally agree with, that, I feel like a lot of those components, yeah, were missed in the Barbie movie, which was a great film, I really enjoyed it. But I do also feel that there were components that weren’t there.
And look, for somebody being in their, you know, tracksuit, sweatsuit, and just feeling good about that, and maybe that’s their, you know, way of feeling good.
I remember when I used to work in a hair salon, I had to be in glam all the time, wear the heels, have the hair done, makeup, 24/7, it was part of my job, and I remember wanting to just go home and take everything off. And I didn’t want to wear makeup on the weekends because once I was done with work, I didn’t want to have anything to do with that type of wardrobe, right. I just wanted to put my sweats on and I wanted to wash my face and just have my hair be naturally wavey and feel good about it.
And I did have moments when I was feeling that way, where, you know, Tory would just make me feel so beautiful, you know, he’s like, you know, he’s like “I just, I really love your fresh face. I really love to just see you this way”, and he’s like “I love when you dress up too”.
But what’s interesting to me, and this is where we can, sort of, dive into this…I think there’s also this, we’ve talked about magnetism before, there’s a little bit of that magnetic piece.
I feel like he was picking up more on how I felt, as opposed to how I looked, because I, as time passed, I do love to put extensions in, and put makeup on, and look nice. I mean, I’ve said this to you before, you know, there’s moments where I just want to dress up. And being a mindfulness coach, I don’t get to put the heels on and do the whole thing, and I really miss that, and I like doing that. And it’s the same thing, when I am in that state or when I dress up and I’m feeling good, Tory will come to me and say like “I really love when you’re dressed up, or when you’re wearing that dress, or when you put your heels on”, but it’s not necessarily the external esthetic. I’m sure it helps, but if it helps you, then it helps the whole energetic field, because it’s that thing, right, like, dress how you want to feel, right? If I’m feeling uninspired, I would do this with writing too, if I’m at home, and during the moments when I was writing my book, I was in my sweats, and I would wake up and I would do the writing, and I just would feel, like, five hours have gone and I’m still on the computer and I haven’t showered, and I haven’t brushed my teeth, and I haven’t done anything, and then I would get this writer’s block. And I remember hearing Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Big Magic”, where she talks about seducing the muse, right. And I think that the muse is connecting to what you’re saying, right, the different stages of the dream girl persona, that she would shower, and get dressed, and light a candle, and really bring that muse in.
And I think, again, it’s a feeling that you bring in. So, this dream girl energy really is, exactly what you were saying, how you feel about yourself. And if you believe, oh, my dream girl persona is doing the hair, putting the makeup on, putting my jewels on, adorning myself, which, we’ve talked about, that’s going to make me feel like a dream girl persona, then that’s what’s going to make you feel like the dream girl persona.
But my question to you is, in terms of, sort of, interacting with another person, like, say in a relationship, right, we want to be the best version of ourselves for that person, right. So, whether Tory admits it or not, there is an archetype of a person that he is attracted to and that he likes, right, we know that. And so, for me, I want to be able to fit in that mold as much as I can, whilst still keeping my own sense of identity and my own sense of self, but is that possible?
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[17:13] Sahara
Well, I think this brings us into the next part that we talk about a lot, is like, relationships and the dream girl. So, it’s like, the ideal is that you, naturally, are his dream girl, without having to change. You, just being you, authentically you, is his dream girl, because if there’s, like, this much maneuvering you have to do, that’s not going to have longevity, you know.
Obviously, you are his dream girl, and that’s why it’s worked for 20 years. But what I see a lot of people do in starting a relationship is, like, what do I guess his dream girl is like? Okay, I think she’s like this and I think she’s like that, so let me dress the part, be the part, change myself. And then, maybe you can get that role, for a month, two months, three months, they say, typically, it’s three months in a relationship, that you can’t hide your real self anymore. So, great, maybe you got it for three months and then your real self comes out and then you’re not that dream girl anymore. And then, you, kind of, just have to end the relationship and start all over again, and then you just, will just keep repeating that cycle, maybe you can hold onto the mask a little bit longer or a little bit less.
So, I think it’s really important, in relationship to, naturally, be that person’s dream girl. Now, what does that mean? It’s like, maybe you’re physically their type, you know. And this doesn’t always happen, I do hear of relationships where they say “This person was physically not my type”, but I would say a lot of the times, like, you are Tory’s type, we know that, right, he loves the Latinas, you know. So, being physically their type.
Having them like the way that you dress, I think that’s really important too, because if you don’t like someone’s style, it’s like, there’s always going to be that, like “Ugh, like, I wish I could change…” And I see a lot of…I don’t know if men care as much about women’s style, as women care about men’s style, but it’s like, I see a lot of women, they’re just like “Let me change it, let me…”, and it’s like, you can. I think men are also less attached to their styles, that they’re more likely to change it if it really was bothering you. But for a woman, it’s like, you want someone that loves the way that you dress because that’s an expression of who you are and how you see the world. You want someone who loves your little mannerisms, and the way that you laugh, and the way that you see things, and your quirks. And you know, no one is all light, but even someone that, out of all the shadows in the world, they would choose to be with yours, you know, even that is being part of the dream girl, because even the dream girl has her shadow side too, and it’s like “What shadows am I willing to be with?”
And I think the nature of the feminine and masculine, it’s like, the masculine is the hunter, he is the provider, he is the protector, and the feminine, she is the flower, she is the muse, she is the prize. And I do feel there needs to be that element of a man being like “I’m with my dream girl to continue pursuing her on a daily basis”, whereas if he doesn’t feel like he’s with his dream girl, he’s going to wonder “Well, what else can I hunt?”
[19:50] Rosie
Right. Like “What else can I get and can I find somebody that fits exactly the way that I want them to fit?”, it’s really interesting.
I have a question, and I’m going to use my own personal experience, I’m curious to hear your take, because you said the clothing aspect and men are less attached. You know what I noticed, though, I noticed that Tory had a different, like, he had a little bit of a different style before, and I noticed that I would, kind of, comment in a negative way, if there was something that he wore that I didn’t like. He used to have this, it’s not velour, it was like an eggplant colored, kind of a fun design, dinner jacket. I would call it, like, purple rain, even though it’s Prince, whatever, I love Prince, but I was like “Oh, your purple rain jacket?”, I just did not like it, I thought it was so obnoxious, I just, you know. And Tory’s got a very unique style and he’s a designer, you know what I mean, but just, kind of, randomly, he comes out with certain things, I’m just like “This is no, this is a no for me”.
[21:04] Sahara
He’s taking a fashion risk, we like that.
[21:05] Rosie
Right, right, but do we?
[21:08] Sahara
But you weren’t into it and he retired it.
[21:09] Rosie
Right. He took a minute, but he ultimately did, and I bring it up sometimes. And there are certain things that he…purple rain, and we would start singing that song.
[21:21] Sahara
But I, kind of, like a guy with a little bit of a backbone, that’s like “I’m keeping the jacket”.
[21:25] Rosie
Look, you have to be neutral in this because I want to ask you a question. I know you’re team Tory.
[21:30] Sahara
I’m team Tory for everything, yeah, Tory can do no wrong.
[21:33] Rosie
She’s like “I’m going to just call him and say hey, dog out that purple rain jacket and put it on when you guys go to dinner”. Okay, so, here’s the question – the way that they, our counterpart, may dress, do we agree the way that we dress is a form of expression?
[21:54] Sahara
I would say, if you’re consciously choosing the way that you dress, yes. But I would say a lot of people just buy whatever, especially guys.
[22:02] Rosie
Okay.
[22:03] Sahara
I find women, because of the feminine energy, just tend to be a little bit more attuned to “How does this make me feel? What does it say about me?”, not always, some people just don’t, they wear LLB, and whatever. But I see a lot guys will just wear a t-shirt and whatever, and sometimes they actually want you to help them get dressed and choose their style. I would say there’s something so sexy about a man who can dress well, like, and you like his style, it’s like “Oh shit, we’re speaking the same language here”.
[22:30] Rosie
Yep, yeah, no, I…
[22:32] Sahara
I, personally, could not…well, I guess I have, but…moving forward, I could not date a guy whose style I don’t like because…she’s dying right now. Because what I’ve learned is, you probably don’t vibe with a lot of other stylistic choices in their lives. Because it’s like, the way that you dress says a lot about your culture, right?
Like, I remember, okay, like, in middle school, in my school at least, maybe in your school, it was like, you were either hip hop or goth, like, choose your track, you’re either Evanescence or Ja-Rule. I was hella Ja-Rule! So, I was like June sneakers, baby fat, alphabet, velour, like that whole thing. And I had a lot of friends who, they went the goth, right, they went the hot topic route. And it’s like, that wasn’t just how we dressed, that was the music we listened to, that’s how we felt, you know, like, that, like, really deeply spoke about where we were at, even, like, emotionally, in our lives. So, I do think the way that…
And I know for myself, my style changes as I make big shifts in my life. The first thing that I do, you can see right now, I changed my hair, I changed my style, I’m going to London, so I’m dressed up like London, you know.
[23:39] Rosie
We’re going to London.
[23:41] Sahara
Going to London. But for me, I am such an artistic person, that I, probably than the average person, does that. So, I would say…so, what was your question? Can we judge someone or can we change their style?
[23:53] Rosie
I think that what does it say about us if we’re wanting to change the way that somebody dresses? I’m asking for myself, right.
[24:02] Sahara
I mean, I think it’s like, if they were to have never change their style, would you still be down for them?
[24:08] Rosie
Yeah.
[24:09] Sahara
Like, if the purple jacket was here to stay, would you have continued being in a relationship with Tory?
[24:14] Rosie
I think it would be really hard, but I would do it, like, I would struggle, because for me, it just, I don’t know, I feel like, I think it’s more one of those choices that just because you think something looks cool on a hanger, doesn’t mean you should wear it.
[24:32] Sahara
Right.
[24:34] Rosie
You know what I mean?
[24:35] Sahara
But the thing about clothes, like, for example, my friend Ally, she talks a lot about when she met her husband Michael, she did not like his style at all, it was very New York, slicked back hair, not her thing. And over time, she softened him, like emotionally, she softened his heart, and also, she changed his style too, but, like, not like you need to, but rather, like, it was just a natural result of him stepping more into his spirituality. Then he grew out his hair, then he started to wear more cotton, and now, he’s, like, dressed like this, like, spiritual shaman man, and that’s what she likes. So, but it was his choice, but she supported the softening, which led to a stylistic choice, you know.
[25:13] Rosie
Interesting. Yeah, because it’s like, maybe this is his natural state and the other was just him, sort of, doing what he thought…
[25:19] Sahara
Well yeah, he lived in New York, and that’s how people dressed in New York. Because where you live also determines a lot about how you dress.
[25:24] Rosie
Absolutely, yeah.
[25:26] Sahara
And I think that’s also a big thing about being the dream girl, is like, is how you dress, your dream girl? And also, one thing I want to add about being the dream girl is like, it sometimes needs to be a little over the top.
[25:39] Rosie
Okay, let’s dig into this, I’m excited about this.
[25:41] Sahara
Okay. For example, when I was in Bali I met my friend Bianca Aquin, who’s an RnB singer, and one of the things that really inspired me about her is, she would get dressed to the nights, she has this very, like, Zoe Kravitz style, like crystals in her hair, and like, just like, all this cool jewelry, she looks like a mystical being at all times. And that really inspired me about her because it was like, to go to the whatever, the convenient store, she would, like, put on her septum ring and, like, her rings, and I was like “I love that”, because she’s not waiting for the date, she’s not waiting for the photoshoot, she’s not waiting for the thing, like, she’s choosing to be art all the time. And that really stood out to me and made me, like, consciously, because, sometimes, you can get really lazy when you’re working from home, you wear your same sweatshirt, you put on your hair in a messy bun, especially when you’re in a long-term relationship, you’re just like, you just stop caring. And that’s one thing I will never go back to again, mark my words here on this Podcast, I’ll never go back to just not caring about how I look at home, because I realized that itch, just like you said, it changes your energy with yourself. And I feel like that’s why in a lot of cities like New York and in London, and in places like that, people spend a lot more time outside of the home so they need to get dressed up, so that gives them this more social energy. Whereas in places like LA or Texas, where you’re at home most of the time, it feels almost weird of like “Why would I get dressed up to go on a Zoom call?”
But like, even my team members, like, I had a team member who, I never met her in person, only on Zoom, she would do her hair and put on these beautiful earrings and, it, to me, just made me feel I was talking to a professional, the fact that she would do that. As opposed to some people, would be like, in their bathroom, in a messy bun, even if it was a Zoom call, like, the way that I felt like she was showing up for her work was so different based on the way that she was, uhm, you know, being a little bit extra.
So, I would say go a little extra because our space line, we always try to, like, not be like that tall flower, they have that term for it in, like, Australia and New Zealand.
[27:41] Rosie
Yeah, yeah, tall poppy syndrome.
[27:42] Sahara
Yeah, tall poppy syndrome. Be the poppy, the dream girl is the poppy. Like, go over the top, like, do the nail color that you think is too much, do the hair that you think is too much, do the thing, wear the outfit that you’re like “People are going to stare at me”, good, because people stare at dream girls, because dream girls stand out, dream girls are not attuned to this 3D reality, we’re here on our own motherfucking planet.
So, wear that thing, that you would be like “Oh shit, if I saw someone walking down like that, I would say that’s my dream girl right there!”
[28:10] Rosie
Yeah.
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[31:29] Rosie
Ah, I love that, that is so true! I mean, it’s a level up, right, it’s a level up! I really feel like, especially in relationships, we get so complacent, and I think that we lose that. I mean, I felt like, during the, you know, 2020, I was like, you know, I don’t think I put makeup on…
[31:50] Sahara
2020 was the year that Americans had the least sex than ever. So, we were spending the most time with our partners, but having the least amount of sex. And sex has drastically declined in relationship since, statistically.
[31:59] Rosie
Really?
[32:01] Sahara
It changed our dynamic, because what is our attraction based on? It’s based on the unknown, it’s the based on the space.
[32:09] Rosie
Yes, the missing.
[32:11] Sahara
Exactly. You went for work and you came home, and like “Wow, what happened to you today? Oh, this smells different”, and that intrigues mystery. But when we’re together all the time, that person’s in the room, we baseline, and instead of being in our feminine and masculine, we both become neutral that, there’s no longer that polarity, the opposite sides of the magnet anymore, that you just want to cuddle, and eat, and watch Netflix, which is cute and that’s an important part of relationships, but then that like “I want to jump your bones” feeling is gone. And I think a lot of our natural inspiration for getting dressed up and being that dream girl is related to desire.
[32:48] Rosie
Yeah, I think so.
[32:50] Sahara
And when that desire…I noticed in myself, like, being single, and single girls that I know, are a lot more attuned now to beauty, and sexuality, and sensuality, because it’s like this desire, this yearning that, when you’re in a relationship, it’s like, you already know your man is obsessed with you, you don’t need to… you know, you feel like you don’t need to, but then, what happens, you lose it. And it’s not about making the man want you, it’s like, don’t you want to want you?
And that’s the thing I see a lot of people, and myself included, in long-term relationships, miss. You’re like “Ah, I remember thinking I miss my…I never really dated, I miss those days, I took it for granted”, you know. And it’s like, what I missed was the unknown and the mystery within myself that anything could happen at any time. And guess what? You could just step into that energy right now.
[33:37] Rosie
Yeah, you don’t have to wait. And I think that’s beautiful, what you’re saying, it kind of goes back to what I was saying about the getting dressed for your muse, right? You’re, essentially, putting on, or expanding your peacock feathers, to, essentially, seduce yourself, to draw yourself in, to feel the energy, because, ultimately, that’s what people are going to be attracted to. And we talked about this during our magnetic conversation, right? But I think it’s so important to be able to really embody that and embrace that, and do the thing, like, put the makeup on, get dressed, put the earrings on, you know, for the meeting, or go work somewhere else where it requires you to dress up, like, that special outfit that’s been sitting in your closet, when are you going to wear that, you know, are you planning on wearing that?
It reminds me of, during that year, I think, I had a wedding dress picture I posted during that time, Tory and I had planned a wedding in 2020, it got pushed to 2021, and I had ordered one of the three dresses I planned to wear, and it was just sitting in my closet and I’m like “I’m never going to wear this, like, why is it just sitting there, collecting dust?”, and he was like “Why don’t you just put it on?”, and I thought that was such a great idea. And so, I put it on, then I did makeup, then I did my hair, and then he got the camera, he was like “Let’s go take some pictures”, and then we had a dance party, and then, you know, we ended the night perfectly, you know what I’m saying? Like, it was just…
[35:14] Sahara
And those pictures are amazing. You used them for a long time, and made you fall more in love with yourself.
[35:18] Rosie
Yeah, and it was this feeling of “Yeah, I’m going to treat myself that way, I’m going to treat myself like my own dream girl, I am my own dream girl”, you know, and the people around me should feel that and sense that. Yeah, I love that.
[35:36] Sahara
I think taking photos of ourselves, while it sounds like “Oh, like…”, you know, Deepak always says “Don’t confuse yourself for your selfie”, and I agree with that, we are so much more than our physical looks. And there’s something about feminine consciousness that we feel ourselves, we are turned on by ourselves. Like, even in sexuality, like, when a woman is turned on, she’s touching herself, she’s lost in herself, she’s looking at herself in the mirror, like, guys don’t do that, you know. So…
[36:05] Rosie
Maybe some do.
[36:06] Sahara
Some, but…
[36:07] Rosie
They do, they post pictures topless a lot.
[36:10] Sahara
But even us women, we’re like, we’re not into that, you know. And it’s something about feminine consciousness that, like, beauty is part of our spiritual pathway, it’s always been the way that we’ve honored the Goddess. We give her and worship her with flowers, and fruit, and honey, and beauty as a pathway. So, what photoshoots, to me, do, is like, they crystalize a moment of consciousness within yourself. Like, you’re always going to look back on those pictures and remember that day, where, instead of being in that slumpy, random Wednesday, that you would’ve totally forgotten about, you have that memory, which might be, like, one of the few memories of that year, for the rest of your life, you know. Like, literally, we forget, it’s only peak experiences that we remember, you know. So, it’s like, you’re going to look back and you’re going to remember that time that you put on your wedding dress for no reason, for the wedding that you ended up not even having yet, and even though it was 3 years ago, it’s like, that stands out in your consciousness.
And to me, like, this summer when I was going to Afronation, I got this, like, long pony tail extension with a braid in it, and I was like “I don’t know how to do this, it’s so hard”, and I just, like, figured it out, and I put on this, like, Y2K outfit of like these jeans cool shorts and this like metallic shirt, and I got, like, henna on my hands, they were doing henna on the streets, I was like “Sure, I’ll do henna”, like, I was just like in this, like say yes to everything mood. And I put on this Aaliyah song and my friend just recorded me and I just, like, did this dance to it, and I was like feeling myself and vibing, and that is probably like one of my favorite videos of me, in my life. Like, when I’m in a bad mood, I look back at that video of me, because I was just in such a vibe, I was feeling myself, I was not performing, I wasn’t doing a TikTok dance or something, but I was just, like, in my dream girl energy, and when I watch that video, I fall more in love with me. And I don’t remember who looked at me that night or what happened, but I keep looking back on me. So, I think it’s important to have these crystallizations of our dream girl selves, and even if you’re not, like, a coach, or whatever, you don’t have anywhere for these photos, for yourself.
Like, doing a boudoir shoot is such a fun this, that, there’s so many amazing boudoirs.
[38:12] Rosie
You’ve been there, right?
[38:14] Sahara
I’ve not actually.
[38:15] Rosie
You’ve not?!
[38:15] Sahara
I need to, yeah, I totally need to.
[38:17] Rosie
I’m shocked.
[38:18] Sahara
I’m shocked too, but…
[38:20] Rosie
We should do this next Episode, we should have that…
[38:23] Sahara
Right here, yeah. But a boudoir photoshoot, for those of who don’t know, it’s like, they, it’s like a really empowering thing is, typically is like a female photographer, they dress you up in lingerie that makes you feel really good, and you just take these, like, sexy but self-loving pictures of yourself.
So, doing a boudoir shoot, getting an outfit that you’ve always wanted to wear, getting your hair and makeup done, doing a dance, like, maybe wearing your wedding…even if you’re not…I know someone, that she had a wedding for herself.
[38:46] Rosie
Yeah.
[38:47] Sahara
She’s like “I don’t want to wait, I just want to have my own”.
[38:49] Rosie
That’s great.
[38:49] Sahara
It’s like having these things like that. Like, I started doing so many more photoshoots this year, that I would, like, get these cool crystal outfits and, like, wear them, instead of me just going and hiking in the waterfall and, like, taking a picture on my phone, I’m like “I am the waterfall, here I am”. And now, like, those waterfalls carry so much more meaning to me because I took that extra effort and initiative to create art and merge with art. And I feel like, for me, that’s what being my dream girl self is, is like, like, 50% human, 50% art, that, like, everything I’m doing is an expression of my creativity, from the way that I adorn myself, to the poetry that I write, to the way that I start my day, to the conversations that I’m having. And then, like, when I’m sad, it’s like, you know me, I’m writing a million poems about it, I’m in my feels around it that it’s like, even I might cry little dream girl tears, you know, and it, like, makes everything so much more beautiful because that’s, like, what romanticizing your life really is about.
[39:45] Rosie
Yeah, I love that you’re describing this as art, like you’re walking art, you feel like a piece of art. And I think that’s so important because, I think, as women, we have so much pre-conditioning to think that “Oh, I don’t want to overdo, I don’t want to be extra”, right?
[40:01] Sahara
Because what will girls think about me, what will guys think? And that’s the shadow side that I have experienced that I have experienced about stepping into my dream girl, is, it is a lot for some people, you know. There are, if you’re single and dating, there are a lot of men who’ll be like “Oh my god, I can’t handle it”, but guess what, perfect. Because if they don’t want someone who’s, like, fully in their expression and magnetism, they want to be with someone who’s a little bit insecure and needs them, it’s like, thank god you dodged that bullet.
[40:26] Rosie
Yeah. It’s true, ah, love that.
[40:30] Sahara
And I feel like, also, it’s the sister wound, of like “If I’m too beautiful, then what will other girls think about me? They won’t want to be my friend”, and, you know.
[40:38] Rosie
Orl, then, or they might get torn down by people in their lives, it’s that tall poppy syndrome again. So, the whole idea of the tall poppy syndrome is that, if that one tall poppy starts to grow above the others, the root system of the other poppies will go and pull it down, essentially, it’ll pull it back down so that they’re all growing at the same level. And I think that’s really, you know, it’s something to look at, just as women, in our society to…think about when you’re scrolling through your Instagram feed, if you see somebody who’s posting a bikini picture in the Bahamas or something, what is your initial reaction? Are you rolling your eyes? Are you liking it? Are you commenting lots of fire signs? Like, what is your initial? This is really a great, sort of, a great limpness test that you can give yourself to see where are you in that journey, so to speak. Because we all have those, right? We have that sister wound where we can feel either judged or taken down by somebody else, somebody might say a passive aggressive comment and then, all of a sudden “Oh, no, I’m not going to post these pictures”.
Imagine if somebody said to you, you need to stop posting those pictures, of you on a waterfall, or whatever, you know, it’s like…
[42:00] Sahara
“That waterfall and your crystals, that amethyst really triggered my third eye”, like, bitch, you need extra.
[42:08] Rosie
But do you notice…but, think about, like, if it was somebody really important in your life that said that to you, you know. Like, I think, you know, if I did something like that and you were to be like “I wouldn’t do that, I would…”
[42:20] Sahara
And it’s like, why have you given that person so much importance in your life? And again, it might be your parent, like, does my mom love my shoots? No, she used to not, at least. So, it’s like, some people in your life, you can’t change, but you can’t live your life to please your parents. But if it’s, you have a friend, that every time you shine and they’re bringing you down, or they’re saying little comments, why are you…you can’t change a friend, why are you choosing to have this person in your life?
[42:46] Rosie
Yeah, exactly. And I think that part of us, you know, we live in this culture now where we share everything, so this is just a part of our life, how we connect with others, is sharing.
So, I find it empowering whenever I have a friend or somebody pops up on my feed, because I also love the female esthetic, you know.
[43:09] Sahara
Oh, if someone saw my explore page, they would think I’m a lesbian, for sure. It’s like, women, like, dancing, and twerking, and being sensual, and I’m like “Like”, “Love”, “Amazing”, “Adore”, “You are a queen”, that’s what I love, exactly.
[43:23] Rosie
Yeah, and that, I think is, part of, you know, like is going to attract like, and we attract women and people in our lives that are the same, that it’s like, oh, fire sign, you know.
[43:33] Sahara
My ex used to laugh because he’s like “You just sit down, and eat dinner, and watch belly dance videos”, I’m like a Middle Eastern man, I’m just like “Habibi, mashallah!” But I just love the feminine form, I think it’s so beautiful, like, I’m inspired by them.
But that’s the difference, and it’s like, for a lot of people, the thing that triggers them is actually the thing that’s their biggest inspiration, it’s just when you get through that threshold.
So, yes, if seeing women dancing, women shining their light, women showing their full expression, women owning their bodies, women owning their sexualities, women being in their beauty and being unapologetic about it, if those are your triggers, there is something there for you on the other side, otherwise, it would just be neutral.
[44:18] Rosie
Yeah.
[44:18] Sahara
You wouldn’t feel anything. Like, for example, I don’t want to have a baby right now, so when I see mom stuff, I just, kind of, don’t feel anything. If I really wanted to have a baby and I was seeing these mom announcements, which I see happens to some of my friends, I would be like…you know, some of my friends have babies, they get messages like “Why are you bragging about your baby all the time? Like, why do you feel the need to show this off? Some of us can’t have babies as easily”, and it’s like, obviously, this is a trigger for this person. Is it about this person posting about her baby or is it about how this person feels in her relationship with it, you know? So, it’s like, ultimately, nothing is personal and everything is about our projections and how we feel about ourselves.
So, your dream girl self will be a trigger for people who know they have that dream girl selves within them, but they haven’t yet accessed it.
[45:04] Rosie
Oh, I love that. Love that, so good.
[45:07] Sahara
They’re like “I feel like I could be that Barbie, but I’m not yet, so, fuck that Barbie! Argh, bye Barbie!”
[45:13] Rosie
Yeah, instead of just taking some time to do some self-inquiry. Look, maybe not everybody has to share their dream girl moment, you know, maybe it’s something that, again, you’re doing for yourself, maybe you’re just getting dressed up for yourself, you’re taking yourself out on a date. I mean, I still take myself out on a date, you know, I’ll go have a little tea date with myself, or I’ll go, you know, get a little appetizer somewhere, because I think it’s important to be able to dress while I bring my book, I’m not just sitting there, like, staring into nothingness, because I don’t want to, you know, like…but if you do that, totally, that’s…
[45:47] Sahara
And even more kudos to you.
[45:49] Rosie
Yeah, more kudos to you. I need the, you know, entertainment. But I think it’s really important for people to know that they don’t need the, sort of, external validation all the time, right? They don’t have to share their, you know, photoshoot, just because they’re doing a photoshoot, they don’t need to share it, it’s like, I think if you share it, share it for you and your reasons, you know. I have no problem, I love, again, I love your description of it being art because that’s the way I see the female form, as art. It’s beautiful and it’s the most attractive thing and I enjoy it, you know, and I’ve never felt some type of way of somebody sharing too much or not enough, or whatever, you know, when it comes to their own empowerment.
[46:37] Sahara
Oh, we love it.
[46:38] Rosie
Yeah, we love it.
[46:39] Sahara
We’re like “Can we be their friend?”
[46:40] Rosie
Yeah, it’s like, who is this, is this person going to be our third?
[46:42] Sahara
Yeah, exactly.
[46:43] Rosie
Like, what’s happening?
[46:44] Sahara
It just shows our own relationship with it. And for some people it is that journey. So, whatever it is that’s a trigger for you, move into, and then, yeah, like, you can’t only be a dream girl in front of the camera because then it’s going to be fake, so it is who you are in those micro moments, that’s why I think little things like having your morning practice, your thoughts, are you thinking dream girl thoughts right now, you know?
[47:06] Rosie
What are some good ways to have dream girl thoughts?
[47:09] Sahara
Like, I remember before, people would talk about self-love and I got it, but I didn’t really understand what it…I got it, I even read a book on it, so, I read the book, but I was never like “Self-love”, that was never my thing, I’m like, of course I love myself, look how my life looks as a result of me loving myself , but it wasn’t until after my divorce that I, like, looked at myself in the mirror and I was like “Oh my god, I’m so freaking proud of you. Like, the way that you have handled this”, and that cracked me open to a level and knowningness of self-love that I had never experienced before. And it’s shifted now, every time I look in the mirror, I say something loving to myself, and it’s not coming from this like “I am beautiful. I deserve everything”, you know, like, the affirmations that are, like, so forcing and you don’t believe it, but it’s like, I just look at myself and I’m just like “You’re so cute, like, look at us doing this thing”. And you know, like, life is challenging and there’s a lot that doesn’t feel dreamy, you know. And being a dream girl is to connect to your highest self and to elevate to the part of you that is beyond the shit that’s happening in your life and to remind yourself that you aren’t the trauma, you aren’t the story, you are who you create yourself to be as a result of it.
So, it has entirely shifted my consciousness because, before, I would look in the mirror, and I wouldn’t really even think, I didn’t say anything negative, I didn’t say anything positive, I’d just be like “Ah…”, I didn’t really look in the mirror that much to be honest, because I was just working, you know, I didn’t need to.
And now, I take that extra effort to not look at my hair and what I don’t like, and my eyebrows, but like, to look myself in the eyes and, like, to really see myself in that moment because we’re going through life so fast and all we, ultimately, want is to be seen, and that’s often why we get into the relationships and why we put ourselves out there on social media, we just want to be seen. So, if we can just take moments to really see ourselves and be like “Wow, you are doing so freaking well, you are amazing, you are a rockstar, I’m so fucking proud of you”, and just to take that moment, it just sooths you from the soul and then, naturally, you’re like, from this place of feeling good, what else can I do that makes me feel good? Oh, I want to, like, dance. I’m laughing all the time, by myself, all the time. Like, I was texting you, I was at the equinox dying of laughter alone, that I started drooling on the floor because I was laughing so hard, I was thinking about some stuff that we were talking about, and I just don’t care. People probably look at me and they think I’m crazy, and guess what, if laughing makes you crazy, I don’t want to be sane, take me to the mental asylum because I’m going to laugh and I’m going to sing and I’m going to live my full expression and feel my full emotion, and feel my full rage, because that, to me, is what being my dream girl is.
[49:54] Rosie
Yeah, I love that. I think. For me, my inner dream girl wants to be seen, heard and understood. That is the ultimate expression.
[50:03] Sahara
That’s the ultimate human desire from everyone, yeah.
[50:07] Rosie
And I think that, for us to be able to, yeah, wake up in the morning and talk to ourselves in a loving way or be present with ourselves and really just appreciate where we are and how we are and the experience that we’re in, really allows us to step into that power.
[50:25] Sahara
Yes. And in the next Episode, we’re going to talk about how we are always in the in-between and how we’re always in this simultaneous, like, arriving, yet not having yet arrived. So, stay tuned for the next one with Rosie and I.
So, thank you so much for being on, I love these conversations, we always end up in rabbit holes that I never would’ve expected.
So, where can listeners connect with you and learn how to mediate with you?
[50:51] Rosie
Ooh! They can go to radicallyloved.com, that’s my website, and they can connect with me on Instagram at @rosieacosta.
[50:59] Sahara
We’ll have those links below. Well, thank you so much for tuning in. If you loved this Episode, please share it on Instagram, it’s a really good way of actually, like, putting out feelers of like, where’s your dream girl possie at, people who resonate with this Podcast are going to be people who are on your vibe, because the way to cure tall poppy girl syndrome, I wanted to add that, is like, surround yourself with other tall poppies, because then, if everyone’s rising tall, it’s like, oh, there’s the unicorn one there, and there’s the angel one there, and there’s the dark goddess one there, and they’re all these beautiful flowering poppies and we’re all like “Grow bitch, grow”.
[51:30] Rosie
That’s the affirmation.
[51:30] Sahara
Exactly. Grow, grow, grow, grow. So, share the Episode to grow, grow. And also, if you leave a review for it in the iTunes Store, I will send you my FREE Womb Meditation. So, this is a meditation to help you drop into your womb space so you can receive her answers. So, this is really the seat of our feminine consciousness.
So, all you’ve got to do is leave a review in the Apple Store, take a screenshot of it and then email it over to me at [email protected], you can find that link and all the other links that I mentioned in this Episode in the show notes. You can also watch this as a video, if you’re not watching it as a video, we’re on camera right now too, so you get to have the full experience on Spotify and on YouTube, if you just look me up Sahara Rose – Highest Self Podcast.
[52:11] Sahara
Alright, thank you so much for being here and I’ll see you in the next one.
Episode#516: How To Be The Dream Girl with Rosie Acosta
By Sahara Rose