Comparison is one of the greatest pitfalls holding us back from receiving our radiance. When we are comparing ourselves to others, we never feel like we are enough and be able to fully acknowledge our unique gifts. In this episode, I sit down with my dear friend and author Melissa Ambrosini to discuss the different types of comparison, on social media, in careers and related to the body. We honestly share our own personal experiences with comparison and how we’ve overcome them. If you’re looking for a more joyous life and comparison is holding you back, this episode is for you.
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Episode 368: Overcoming Comparisonitis with Melissa Ambrosini
By Sahara Rose
Namaste. It’s Sahara Rose and welcome back to The Highest Self Podcast, a place where we discuss what makes you, your soul’s highest evolvement.
What an incredible couple weeks it has been! We sold out of Dharma Coaching Institute in just one week. I am blown away by the response and it really has shown me that people have been waiting for a Coaching Program that is equal parts embodied, spiritual, ancient, sacred and grounded, practical, business-oriented, including of psychology, cultural nuances.
So, these are all of the things that make me – me. I love to dive deep into the meaning of life, and I actually wrote the book “Discover Your Dharma”, and it really matters for us to be able to bring this out into the world and to be able to support ourselves and create businesses because we need more abundant, spiritual people. There is nothing spiritual about being broke and so many of us have guilt around charging for our gifts; guilt about having business; guilt around being seen and heard and celebrated for who we are. And I’m so excited that so many of you have already overcome those, to say yes to your soul’s highest calling and embark on this journey of becoming a Certified Dharma and Spiritual Life Coach, which is exactly what you will graduate with at the end of Dharma Coaching Institute, so I’m super excited to welcome.
We have 300 students who will be on this journey with us. It’s a 4-month training program. If you haven’t heard about it yet, that just birthed, this past April. We are taking our first generation; our inaugural class of Dharma Coaches on this sacred journey, and they’ll be graduating in September and then we’ll be opening doors again for our next class.
So, if you are feeling the call to create a career for yourself or you are helping people find their purpose and helping them heal in all areas of their lives that are interconnected with that, then I invite you to join us at the wait list at dharmacoachinginstitute.com and that link is in the show notes.
So, another thing I am so excited about is – we have made it to this summer! It has been a long winter for so many of us and I really feel this new reemerging energy of us finally being able to leave our homes and go out and explore and take all of the gifts that we have really been working on; the seeds that we have been sewing for this past year (plus) and bringing them out into the world. So, I’m so excited to spend more time with community. This really means everything to me. I truly feel my highest self when I’m with other, especially spiritual soul sisters, connecting on a deep level, doing ritual, just laughing, talking about our lives – that is everything to me.
I also have a 4 in my Human Design chart. So, if you don’t know about Human Design, it’s this astrological system that tells you about your energy body type. We’re actually going to be learning about that at Dharma Coaching Institute; and I’ve done a Podcast on it (several of them as well). But in my Human Design chart, I have a 4, which is the community-oriented person. So, I need to be around people, not that I’m an extrovert, I would consider myself to be an extroverted introvert, but something about being around like-minded people, in conversation or even just in creation, in making art together, is so rejuvenating on a soul level. So, I’m so excited for that.
And today’s conversation is with one of my dear soul sisters who I actually met years ago, just from Instagram, the social media world, and she lives in Australia, which is the other side of the world. However, we were able to connect on so many different things from our businesses to our spiritual practices, relationships and so much more. So, we’ve known each other for 4-5 years now, we’ve hosted masterclasses together, hosted events together and so much more. And I’m super excited to be interviewing her for today’s Episode on her new book “Comparisonitis”.
So, comparisonities, you may have heard this term before, but it’s essentially the dis-ease that we have when we compare ourselves to other people. And in this conversation, we really speak about how that can affect us in so many different ways and shapes and forms. So, from comparison on social media, to comparison with friends, family members; comparison about our bodies; our relationships. I mean, the doors are really endless to the number of ways we can compare ourselves, however, we can transmute this energy of comparison into inspiration and even compersion, which is the quality of feeling the equal amount of happiness that that person feels for their success that you do.
So, compersion is when you see someone who is just winning in life or winning in some area and you genuinely feel that same level of happiness that they feel for them, without it negating yourself or even being happy for someone because you know that you can do that too, it’s just to be happy for them. It doesn’t have to come back to you, I think our egos try to be like “Okay, I’ll be happy for you if that’s what’s going to make it happen to me”, it’s like, just to be happy for people.
And I love being in friendships where we can share our wins and successes and celebrate each other and not have to – you know, I’ve been also in friendships, in the past, where I didn’t feel comfortable to talk about my successes; I didn’t feel like it would been or received. I thought maybe it would be judged or make them feel uncomfortable, and you end up minimizing your light, and when you do that for so long, you become a shell of a person. So, how can we create friendships that we can honor and support each other in our beautiful light and hold space for each other, even in our darkness.
So, it all really begins by finding ourselves and each other as one; seeing ourselves as interconnected to the highest light that lives inside each and every being. And when we see ourselves as one, we’re no longer going to compare ourselves because it’s like comparing your left arm to your right arm or your left thumb to your right thumb. It’s all part of you and we’re all part of the whole. So, oneness and unity consciousness really is the ultimate way to transmute comparison. And in this conversation, Melissa has really studied this and broken it down and shares about all the different ways we compare ourselves and gives really practical and grounded; practices and frameworks and redirects that we can do when these feelings of comparison come up and if we can’t really connect to the highest unity consciousness, how can we overcome these feelings of comparison? So, I’m so excited for this conversation!
She is such a light; she is such a Queen; she just had her first baby, right after this book came out, so I’m so happy for her!
And without further ado, let’s welcome Melissa Ambrosini to The Highest Self Podcast.
And before we get started, I would love to share with you this special offer.
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Welcome back to The Highest Self Podcast Melissa, so excited to have you here!
Babe! I am so excited to be here! It’s just such a gift to be back on the show with you and to be in your presence!
So grateful! So, the first question I’d love to ask you is what makes you your highest self?
Oooh! Gosh, this is such a good question and I love it so, so, so, so much! I feel, for me, what makes me my highest self is when I am living in alignment. I have no idea what I said the first time by the way, I can’t even remember, but when I’m living in alignment with my core values in all areas of my life, that is when I feel like I’m my highest self.
Love that! Yeah, I feel like right now, I feel and I know you feel like, in all areas of my life, I’m in full alignment; I’m in full integrity – friendships, relationships, home, your baby coming, but to just let people know that it is possible to have alignment in all areas of your life and it’s going to look different for every single person (and not to compare your version with someone else’s), which you just wrote a whole damn book on, girl – “Comparisonitis”, it is so good! I was just loving all of the words that you wrote on there because I just think it’s so timely. We’re living in this time right now that we’ve just reached this threshold, I feel like, with social media specifically of just constantly seeing the highlight reels of everyone else’s life and what they look like with all their filters and their make-up, and this posed photo or video, and then we think that that’s life, and then when our lives don’t look like that, we think that we are failing.
So, can you share with us a little bit why you chose to write the cook “Comparisonitis”?
So, for anyone who hasn’t heard about it, it’s called “Comparisonitis”, how to stop comparing yourself to others and be genuinely happy. It’s really a book about deep radical self- love and self-acceptance, and reminding you of the truth of who you are – which is a miracle, because when you remember the truth of who you are, you won’t compare yourself to anyone else and there are so many tools and tips and tricks throughout the book that can really help you remember that and bring you back home to yourself.
And there’s a couple of reasons why I wrote this book. One of them was, and I start the book with this story where I’m sitting on the toilet, scrolling Instagram. And I’m scrolling Instagram and I’m comparing myself to a best-selling author who’s just hit The New York Times Best-selling list, for the millionth time, and here I am, sitting on the toilet, feeling so down about myself. And, even though all of my books have been best-sellers, I was just really down, I was comparing myself “Why aren’t my books New York Times’ best-sellers? What’s wrong with my writing? Why won’t mine hit the list?” all of that comparison, and my inner critic was going crazy. And then I went upstairs to my office and I sat down at my computer and I’d open my emails and there was an email from a follower of mine called Cathy. And Cathy poured her heart out to me saying “Melissa, I love your work, your books have changed my life, your podcast has changed my life. I’ve met you I person at one of your events, your meditations, I do them every day”, just pouring her heart and soul out to me, “You’ve inspired me so much, Melissa, I’m going to write my first book and I can’t stop comparing myself to you and wanting to write books like you.” And I had this realization, light bulb moment, literally moments before, “Here I am, comparing myself to someone and then there’s Cathy comparing herself to me”, and I had this realization that we’re all just freaking comparing ourselves to everyone else, and that New York Times’ best-selling author is probably comparing herself to someone else. And it just dawned on me that this comparison culture has become so part of the norm and the narrative, but it doesn’t have to be our reality. And we need to look at it, we need to do something about it now because if we don’t heal it within ourselves, we’re going to pass it on to our children and our children’s children.
And another reason why I wanted to share this message was, a couple of years ago, one of my closest girlfriends took her own life, and she suffered from severe depression and anxiety and she was very heavily bullied in high school, and she was my age when she took her own life. And the data and the science shows us that the rates of anxiety, the rates of suicide, depression and panic attacks are just going up and up and up. And it is one of the main reasons being this very toxic comparisonitis, this very toxic, unhealthy comparison that is leading us to feel anxious, to feel depressed, to feel panic attacks and to, maybe even have, suicidal thoughts. And it’s just not – we’ve got to do something about it, we can’t keep pretending that nothing’s happening, we can’t keep sweeping it under the carpet and just going “Well that’s just part of social media”. There’s so many things that we can do to have a healthy relationship with social media and we need to implement them so that we can heal our own comparisonitis and help our children.
And then, the third reason why I wanted to write this book was, during writing the book, I fell pregnant with my daughter who’s on her way, and I had this feeling that she was saying to me “Mama, you’ve got to write this! Mama, you’ve got to help people with this”, I’ve got full goose bumps because I thought about her and I thought about “Would I want her to compare herself to other people?” I’ve got full goosebumps! “Would I want her to think she was anything less than a pure miracle?” And the answer is the biggest NO! And so, I just thought we have to talk about this as a culture and we have to share about it so that we can help the young ones that are coming through; that are growing up with phones glued to their hand from as young as 5 years old, and it’s not healthy and we need to address it now so that we can remember the truth of who we are.
Thank you for sharing that, I had goosebumbs too when you were sharing about your daughter. And just to see all of ourselves like those children. We really are still those children who just want to be accepted, who want to be loved, who want to be acknowledged. And I think of that beautiful statue that was at a Burning Man of these two adults that are sitting back-to-back against each other but then within them are these two children just wanting to play and that’s really what we are.
And it’s so sad with comparison that it makes us forget that we are unique, it makes us forget our Dharmas, it makes us think that we are the only one who is missing something, the only one that doesn’t have it figured out, the only one who is alone in this uncertainty, rather than just this understanding that everyone is figuring it out. And I think that with social media, we forget – in conversation, if we were all living in a community, we would all see each other’s ups and downs, but we don’t get to see that so we’re like “I must be the only one having downs because no one else is really posting that.”
So, what are some tips that you have for social media so we can navigate it without this natural, immediate “Why don’t I have that?”
Yeah, so, there’s a whole chapter dedicated to social media, in the book, and then there’s and there’s a part on “Influencer/Influenza” I call it.
So, let’s chat about social media because it’s really important, and the only reason why I dedicated a whole chapter in the book is because it’s one of the most common areas where we compare. People compare to their friends, people compare to their cousins, to celebrities, to people in movies and magazines, but right now, the most predominant place where we slide into comparisonitis is through social media. And if we’re not careful, it can lead to very unhealthy thoughts and toxic behaviors and things like that, so we do need to address it. And I’ve got a whole bunch of strategies than can help you have a healthier relationship with social media. I mean, the first thing you can do is – if you want, you can completely get off it, no one’s forcing you to be on there. If that’s your truth, then you can do that, but for you and I, it’s part of our business and I don’t want to get off it, I really enjoy the benefits of it but I do need to set myself some healthy boundaries so that I don’t slide into that comparisonitis.
So, one of the things – I’ll just give you a couple of the strategies because there’s so many. But one of the strategies is to remember that it is everyone’s highlight reel; it is the highlight reel. Like you said, it’s not – unless some is doing Lives 24/7, like they’ve got a camera crew following them and you’re seeing the totality of their life, then you are only seeing snippets and mainly he highlight snippets which is something that we all know but we forget or we choose to forget because our inner critic wants us to suffer, and so it will say “Oh look, their life is perfect”, when really, deep down we know that that’s their highlight reel, but our inner critic said “No, no, no, their life is perfect”, no, there’s no such thing. And we need to remember that it is the highlight reel, it’s not the totality of their life. And for a lot of people, on social media, everyone is an Influencer. If you have an account and you have people following you, you are influencing people. And we have to look at it subjectively and go “Okay, this is just the highlight, this is people’s businesses”, for a lot of people it’s their business. So, remember that it is the highlight reel and that it is not the totality of their life – it’s really important – that’s the first thing.
You also need to – when you look at social media, remember that the platforms have one interest in mind and that is to keep you on there as long as possible and to monopolize on you being there. You know that they are built by the same people who build poker machines in the casinos and they’re designed to give you that dopamine hit. But we have to remember to zoom out. There is stuff behind that perfect picture or that perfect frame that we don’t see. And that might mean – say you’re looking at this beautiful girl meditating or doing yoga, or the most perfect vegan chocolate tart, or something like that, and you don’t know what’s beyond that frame. There could be a child chucking an absolute tantrum; the person could’ve just had a fight with their husband; the house could be in absolute mess but where the photo is taken it’s just perfect. You don’t know what is beyond the frame, so we can’t make judgments. And just remember to zoom out like “What is beyond the frame?”
And I share a story in the book about when my husband and my bonus son and I went to the Greek Islands, a couple years ago, I had to get some brands I was working with, and we’d gone to Santorini and I’m standing on the cliffs, on the Mediterranean, which was absolutely beautiful, the white tops and the blue Mediterranean, was just stunning. Here I am, just standing there in this gorgeous blue dress, it was amazing, and that mage went viral and it got so many comments and people were just like “Oh, it’s so beautiful and so perfect” and all of this. I shared, little did they know that beyond that frame was an 11-year-old who was absolutely chucking a tantrum because he was so hungry and bored and we’d been there for three hours and he was like “We didn’t come all the way to Greece just to take photos of you” and then my husband who was like “Come on babe, we’ve got to get this photo, let’s just do it”, and then there’s clothes everywhere, crumpled up on the floor – you know, you don’t see that stuff. And so, it’s really important to remember to zoom out and to not think that what you’re witnessing is just the totality of that person’s life. You don’t know, you have no idea and we can’t make assumptions and we can’t make judgments.
And then the next thing I wanted to share in regards to social media is setting yourself some healthy boundaries around it because you can get sucked in. And so, following people that inspire you and that light you up and that maybe educate or entertain you is really going to help you with your comparisonitis. And if there are people that you’re following that trigger you go spiral into that comparisonitis, then just unfollow. There’s no rule, so you don’t have to follow them, you can just unfollow them, graciously unfollow, and don’t write to them saying “I’m unfollowing you!” just unfollow! Surround yourself with love and people that inspire you and light you up. And if you need to take a day off (a week) from social media – I tend to take Sundays off which really works for me, I love having that day of complete rest from social media. And if you need to do blocks of time during the day – so, maybe you check two or three times a day but then the rest you’re not on – do what works for you. And they’re just a couple of strategies that can help you when it comes to social media comparisonitis.
I love that so much and I so resonate with what is beyond that frame. There’s so many times that I’ve also taken a beautiful food picture – my entire kitchen is a mess and I don’t even eat that meal, it’s not even what you’re really eating. Or, I saw that this hack that Influencers do, that when they’re taking this mirror selfie of themselves (you know the mirror selfies that they take) often times they actually have a camera on a stand and they’re holding their phones to look like they’re taking a mirror selfie, but they’re using a camera so they can stage the perfect thing and they can have the highest definition but look like it’s this nonchalant thing they just did. Which I was like “Oh my God, who has the time for that”, but if it’s your job, you do have the time or for a lot of these – I feel like, especially when you’re younger, you care about that so much. I remember when I used to follow all these Fitsbo accounts. When Instagram started 8 years ago or whatever, these girls with these incredible fit, thin bodies, which is just not what my body type is. I could exercise forever and I, just probably, won’t look like that, I look like something else. So, I would follow them thinking “If I just feel bad about myself enough, I would shame myself into exercising to then look like them”, and now I just ask my body “What kind of movement do you want to do?” not because I’m following these Fitsbo accounts, but it’s such an example. Even before with Thinsbo and all of these different inspiration things – are they actually inspiring you or are they just making you feel bad about yourself that you’re trying to shame yourself into changing? And into changing something that’s not even realistic.
Absolutely! It’s so unhealthy! And the amount of energy and time that we spend worrying, stressing, trying to fix and mold, think about what we could do with that, think about what we can do, how we could serve other people with that time and energy. And we only get one precious life and we don’t know how long we’re here for. And it is precious and it is very sacred and our time is precious and sacred, and so we need to use it for good and living our Dharma and being of service and not use it stressing and worrying about whether I’m skinny enough or whatever it is that you’re comparing yourself about.
I think it’s so important, and I had that realization too, of all of this time I’m putting into me trying to lose weight – imagine if I put it into something else. I would probably a master at it if I did that, and then I stopped and I naturally grew. And so many people listening to this, they may be doing that.
I find another area of comparison, especially in the manifestation world, is around money; it’s around “I manifested this car; I manifested this Chanel bag; I manifested this, so if you’re spiritual enough, you will also manifest all of these things, and if not, you have scarcity mindset”. What do you have to say about this money but in the spiritual lens around it?
Yeah! I mean, comparisonitis with material things is a big one as well, and I cover it in the book. It’s very much like “Oh, they have a better car; they have a better house; they live in a better suburb; they have nicer jeans; nicer handbags”, it is a big area where we compare and it’s got to be addressed and looked at. And it comes back to why do we even feel the need to compare; why do we feel like we need to compare? What is lacking within ourselves that we feel like we need to even compare ourselves to someone else?
And yeah, I think in the spiritual world with “I’ve manifested this and I’ve manifested this and what have you manifested?” I do hear that a bit and it’s the same, yeah, comparing “Well, I’ve got this car and this car and why does she have that car or that boyfriend, or whatever?” But it’s all leading us down this spiral to toxic comparison that’s not healthy for anyone and we have to remember that we are all on our own journey; we are all on our own path and we actually need to put our own blinkers on and stay in our own lane because we are all unique; we are all special and amazing just as we are. We’re a miracle, every single one of you listening to this is a pure miracle. There was one in four hundred trillion chances that you were born. So, your mom’s egg and your dad’s sperm came together; one in four hundred trillion, that is a pure miracle that you were created, and you are here, and you need to remember that. Remember that you are a miracle! And when you really remember that and you feel that, deep in your bones, in every cell in your body, every fiber of your being, you won’t compare yourself to other people.
So, when people are in this really heavy comparison, it shows me that they have forgotten how magical they are; they’ve forgotten how much of a miracle they are. And that’s what you need to come back to, you need to remember that, and it’s so important. I think about my daughter and I think “Would I want her to compare herself to anyone?” And it’s just, no. I want her to know, deep in her soul, that she is a miracle and when she forgets that, and if she forgets that, it’s my role to help remind her of the miraculous gift that she is on this planet. And whenever we’ve forgotten, we’ve just forgotten that we’re a miracle and we don’t need to compare. So, stay in your own lane, put those blinkers on and just go at your own pace.
Another big sign that you might even be suffering from comparisonitis is that you’re feeling behind “Argh, everyone’s having babies” or “Everyone’s married” or “Everyone’s bought their dream home already” or “I’m too old to go back and study” or “Everyone’s traveled already, and I haven’t traveled”, you know that feeling of behindness, like “Oh my gosh, I’m feeling like everyone’s doing things ahead of me”, that is an indicator that you may be suffering from comparisonitis. So, just remember that your life is at your own speed and you don’t need to look left or right to see what everyone else is doing, you just need to remember that “I’m going at my pace and right now, at this point in my life, this is where I’m at and I accept that whole-heatedly” because as soon as we don’t accept where we’re at, that’s when suffering happens. Suffering is resistance to ‘what is’ and so we need to remember that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, at the exact time, and we’re always supported and always guided, and the Universe is always delivering what we need in that moment.
Do you have any affirmations of something you recommend that, when we’re catching ourselves in this comparison, to bring us back into that remembrance?
I have a little four-step process that is called the ACES Technique that helps people come back, and this is what I use and this is what I still use today that’s really helped me. Basically, the ACES technique helps you feel ace again because when you’re comparing, you do not feel ace, you feel crappy about yourself.
And so, I wanted to create something that I could use for myself that could help me feel awesome again; help me feel ace again.
And so, I’ll take you through the four-step process.
The first – ACES is an acronym. And the first letter ‘A’ stands for ‘Awareness’ – you have to become aware of what your comparison triggers are and what areas you are most predominantly comparing yourselves. So, for a majority of people, that trigger is social media; maybe it is body image – that’s like the two big ones for them. So, write them down, where are you comparing, what are your triggers. Once you are aware of where you’re comparing yourself, you can then make change. It’s like with anything in the personal development and spiritual world, awareness is key. Once you are aware that you are doing something, you can then transform and make the shifts. So, that’s the first step.
The second letter ‘C’ stands for ‘Choose a Different Path’. So, once you are aware that you are comparing yourself to someone else on social media, you could either choose to go left and spiral into comparisonitis and compare yourself to them and go down that dark, slippery slope, or you can choose to go right and become aware that you’re comparing yourself and say “I’m not going to choose to slide down that slippery slope, I’m not going to choose that today or in this moment because I remember who I truly am”.
And then the third letter ‘E’ stands for ‘Eliminate’. So, you can eliminate the trigger from that point, whether that’s getting off social media, just closing the App and going outside and doing something beautiful for yourself, doing something so simple like that. Or you can exit the situation, like say you’re having dinner with a whole bunch of girlfriends and they’re all talking about their latest boy stories and you’ve just broken up with your partner of 5 years and you’re feeling really sensitive. You can just get up and go and get some fresh air or something like that, or if that’s not possible, you can just take a deep breath and exhale. Just sit there and just take a deep breath. So, that’s the third step – eliminate, exit or exhale.
And then the fourth step ‘S’ stands for ‘Shifting Your State’. So, we want to move that energy up and out of the body – shaking it out, dancing, twerking, jumping up and down, diving in the ocean, getting in the shower, washing your face, whatever you’ve got to do to raise your vibration, lift your energy and shift out of that funky comparison state.
So, that’s the four-step process. I literally take myself through that whenever I feel icky and funky now, if comparison comes up, and it works. And literally, it’s a four-step process, and the more you do it, you get quicker and quicker at it, which is really great, and those days, weeks, months or years, where you would compare yourself, turn into 5 minutes and then you can move on and get back to the present moment and get back to remembering the truth of who you are.
I love that so much! And it’s so simple yet we often, just don’t take the time to do it, it kind of ritualizes the experience. That’s what I love about it because it’s like you’re taking that moment to – you’re aware, you’re going to make that change, you’re going to breathe and actually create a shift.
I feel like, so often, we’re like “Oh, I’m comparing myself, I should stop!” but we’re not really and it’s still there, but to be like “Every time I compare myself, I’m going to splash my face with the water or I’m going to get up and jump one time or whatever”, it’s like a body-based reminder too.
I remember people had this rubber band they put on their wrist and every time they had a bad habit, they would flick the rubber band but I kind of – we need that somatic-based response so then we can train our bodies to see “Before you go into that spiral, let’s bring the vibration back up” and then you just naturally won’t be a fit for it anymore.
Exactly! Because it’s in the body – reprogramming – it’s doable, absolutely we can reprogram but sometimes it’s traumas in the cells and we need to do the bodywork as well as the spiritual and the emotional work.
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So, I want to talk about comparison with friends because I feel like this happens a lot and then you feel really guilty around it. So, if comparison is showing up with your friends, do you think it’s something you should tell your friend or what is the best way to go about it?
I talk about this in the book, there’s a whole chapter called ‘Fixing Fractured Friendships’. And it’s really important that we address the friendship comparisonitis.
I think, with friends, it’s really about turning the comparison and using it as fuel for inspirational motivation. So, this is about going inward. Whenever you feel triggered or comparing yourself to a friend, ask yourself why – “What are they triggering within me?” And usually, it is something that you’re denying within yourself. So, if you see a friend who’s following her dreams and living her Dharma, and it’s triggering you to compare, why? Is it because you’re not following your dreams and you’re not living your Dharma? So, instead of deleting that friend out of your life, use that as inspiration and motivation to follow your dreams and to live your Dharma. So, you can turn it around, flip it on its head and turn it around, use that comparison for inspiration and motivation. And, I mean, I don’t think you necessarily need to express it to them (if you don’t want to). I feel like it’s always about us, it’s always about us, why we’re comparing ourselves, and so, it’s about sitting with your journal and asking those questions “Why do I feel like I’m comparing myself to this person? Why am I being so triggered by them? What is it within myself that I’m not seeing or what is it within myself that I’m denying?” Because, ultimately, what you see in other people, you have within yourself; what you see within other people, you have within yourself and you’re simply being triggered because you’re denying it. So, that is what we need to look at and what we need to address.
I think that’s so important because always, for me at least, looking back on the people who maybe triggered me of “How is she doing that” or “How is that possible” or whatever the thing was, it was because she or he was showing up in a way that I knew I was capable of but I hadn’t yet actualized, so it was almost bothering me of like “Why is that person doing that” and then you try and knit-pick that person and make it a personal thing, but it’s not, it’s completely a ‘you’ thing. And when I did step into my Dharma and create this reality for myself, now I’m so grateful for all of those people who were huge expanders on my path that the first relationship may have been the trigger but it really turned into “Thank you for showing me what was possible”. And then, like you mention, it’s a cycle, I have people telling me the same thing happened with them and with me, and it’s a little bit uncomfortable to hear it, I’m not going to lie, because no one wants to feel like they triggered someone, no one’s like “I’m so glad I triggered you”, so I don’t think that you need to express it because it really isn’t about them, they didn’t do anything.
I remember, I think I told you, but I remember someone a couple years ago and somehow you came up in conversation and she was like “Oh, Melissa, I was on her website and she is just so perfect, she has a perfect life and a perfect husband and her perfect son, and I just couldn’t take being on her website because everything was so perfect about her!” And I was just laughing because she clearly doesn’t even listen to your podcast or know anything about your life to think that, but we can have this judgment on people where it was herself comparing about she wasn’t in a relationship and she hadn’t actualized her Dharma, so you doing nothing but shining your light so brightly, was such a trigger for her because you have shown a level of courage that she knows that she has within herself but maybe hasn’t quite come out yet.
Absolutely, absolutely! So, yeah, I don’t feel like you need to express it to people, it’s always an opportunity for growth within yourself when we compare ourselves. And like you said, use it as inspiration, use it as fuel, use it as motivation, turn that comparison into motivation and unlock something within yourself.
So true! When I started to share my dance videos online, I would get all these comments of like “Eww, what are you doing, that’s disgusting, you’re stripper dancing, you’re this, you’re that”, all of these comments like that and often, I have those exact same people come back to me a year from then being like “I’m sorry, I was in a really dark place and I was not comfortable with my own sexuality and expressing myself, and seeing you do that was so triggering for me because I’ve never given myself permission to be so free, and seeing you just do it and not care, I felt like something was wrong with you, but really it was, I just would never have given myself permission to do that, and now that I’ve done this healing work, I’m so grateful for what a reflection that you were at that time.” So, I’m so grateful when people can go through that growth and that’s why I think books like yours are really helpful so that we can look back on maybe things that – I remember in high school or college, girls would call other girls ‘a hoe’ or like “Oh, why is she dressed like that”, or “She must be asking for it”, or whatever else it is, but it was because we weren’t connected to our sexualities. So, now, these very same girls would never call another women that but it was just because their internalized patriarchy that was making themselves, really compare themselves to someone who wasn’t tied to those bonds anymore.
Exactly! It’s always a reflection of what’s going on within us.
Yes, so good! And, I just really think our triggers are our most powerful healers. And it’s impossible, I think some people are like “Oh yeah, nothing bothers me; nothing triggers me”, it’s like go into those triggers, that is where the juice is; go into those people that you’re so envious of them or you can’t believe they’re doing that or “Who do you think you are”, those are your people who are going to show you what is possible for you too.
One hundred per cent! I think, any time I get triggered now, I ask myself “Oh, what does that mean for me? Why did I get triggered there? What did that bring up for me?” And we’ve got to be really honest with ourselves, that’s where the work is, not sweeping it under the carpet or spiritual bypassing – what did this trigger within me? And dive deep into that because that’s when the growth and evolution will happen.
And I think too, with the trigger, let’s say someone is triggered by one of us, like “Wow, they have these podcasts and they’re doing it” but they don’t see the (we’ve been podcasting for 4 years now) but they don’t see the hours of work, so maybe the trigger is “I’ve never committed to something that long, so I’ve never been able to see that type of success with something because I’ve never put in that much dedication and work”, so, we’re showing you that that’s possible.
O the trigger could be – Our friend Sophie Jaff, who has her three kids and her business, and she’s doing so much and I’m sure she triggers moms who feel like “I’m not doing enough, something must be wrong with me, how is she doing all of this? I hate her!” And it’s really showing you what’s possible for you as a mother.
I love hearing about your pregnancy and how smooth and easy it’s going because for me, it’s showing me that that could be possible for me too. So, it’s having that mindset shift.
So good! So, you talk about these four types of Headspace Healers which can transform your mindset from a place where self-worth can flourish and camparisonitis can no longer have a foot hole. So, can you share with us what those four Headspace Healers are?
Yes. So, I love these because we have many toxic little unhealthy mindset habits and programs, and these Headspace Healers have really helped me over the years. And I just wanted to share four of them that have transformed my life, really.
And the first one is about living vibrationally. So, we all know that everything is energy and that everything vibrates at either a high vibration (or high frequency) or a low vibration (or a low frequency). So, comparison is definitely low vibrational, it’s very toxic. And what I want to encourage everyone to do is to start to tune into how they feel in different relationships and different situations and circumstances, and start to live high-vibrationally. Surround yourself with high-vibe people, do work that is high vibrational that means something to you, nourish yourself with high-vibrational foods, high-vibrational water, high-vibrational products, high-vibrational experiences, make everything in your life a high vibration because then you’re going to radiate at a high vibration and you’re going to be able to share that with other people, you’ll be able to walk into a room and literally change the whole energy of a room with your vibration, with your energy. So, that is one of the first things that you can commit to, is like “Okay, I’m going to commit to living a high-vibrational life, what does that mean to me? If I was living a high-vibrational life, what would that look like? What foods would I eat? Who would I surround myself with? What would I do in my spare time? What movies would I watch? What movies would I not watch? What music would I listen to? What music would I not listen to?” There are so many different things, and when you’re vibrating at such a high frequency, you become a magnet for more of those high-vibrational experiences and things to come to your life. So, that has been huge for me because there was a time in my life where everything I did was low-vibration – the people I surrounded myself with; the work that I did; the food that I ate; the alcohol; the drugs; the partying; the movies I chose to watch – everything was just low-vibe. And as a result, that is what I created in my life and that is what I manifested more of in my life. So, that is the Headspace Healer number 1 – live a high-vibrational life! And that will look different for every single person, but get clear on it, go through all the different areas of your life – what does that look like for you? And it’s just so rewarding; it’s so rewarding when you do. And then if you do find yourself in a low-vibrational situation, you know, okay, you can choose something different and you know how to get out of it. So, that is the first one.
The second one is about dialing up your self-worth. So, I can tell a lot about someone by their actions that they take. Someone who is choosing very low-vibrational experiences, low-vibrational people, low-vibrational foods, tells me a lot about where their self-worth is at. And I talk about this in my first book “Worthyometer” and if 10/10 on the worthyometer is “I feel the most worthy I’ve ever felt” and 0/10 is “I feel like a worthless piece of crap”, where do you sit on that scale? And when we’re comparing ourselves and when we’re suffering from comparisonitis, we’re usually down the bottom end of the worthyometer and our self-worth seems to be down quite low. So, when we are living high-vibrationally and choosing those experiences, your self-worth is going to be overflowing. So, just remember that you can dial up your self-worth and it’s a choice in each moment, and that is something that can really help you come out of comparisonitis and live your dream life.
And then, the next one, the third Headspace Healer, is something I’ve written about and it’s about casting aside your inner critic or mastering your inner mean girl. And I’ve done a whole TED Talk on it and my first book was done on it, but really, if we want to heal our headspace and not suffer from comparisonitis, we need to master this inner critic inside our mind that’s telling us we’re not good enough or we’re not smart enough or we’re not pretty enough or we’ll never be able to get out of debt or meet the soul mate or whatever it is that our inner critic says to us. So that is a really important piece, is that we learn to master and cast aside that inner critic so that your true self can shine through.
And then the last one is shifting from, what I call the pie perspective to the candle consciousness. And what I mean by that is basically, what a pie perspective is what many people have, it’s that limiting scarcity mindset, it’s that “I’ve got a beautiful, delicious, organic, vegan chocolate pie, and if I give you a piece of that pie, there’s not enough pie for me anymore. I don’t have enough pie to share around” and it’s that lack mentality, that scarcity mindset. And then there’s the candle consciousness, which is, say you’re in a dark room and you’ve got a candle and then your friend walks in and they have a candle but it’s not lit and you say “Come and light your candle off my candle” and then you’ve got even more light in the room; and then someone else comes in and then there’s even more light; and more light; and more and more people come in and you’re just sharing your light and your luminosity, and that is abundance mindset, there is enough to go around. The more we light people up, the more light there is and the more love there is. So, switching from that pie perspective, that lack mentality to candle consciousness is a huge Headspace Healer.
And I used to have severe pie perspective. I grew up with very lack mentality, I grew up with toxic money mindset and “You’ve got to work hard” and both of my parents came from nothing and there was a lot of “Well you can’t do that because we can’t afford it” and things like that, so I had to really work on my headspace healers here and switch from pie perspective to candle consciousness, and it’s changed my life, it’s absolutely changed my life, and it’s possible. And these Headspace Healers (these four Headspace Healers) have literally transformed my life and allowed me to create what I’ve created and live the life that I now live.
So beautiful! And I love that analogy of the candle and just lighting each other’s candles up, and that’s really what we’re here to do, to ignite each other’s flames and to remind each other of our Dharmas and all of the radiance inside of ourselves, and to trust that the more people do it – we want that, it’s not like “Oh, only I can share spirituality, but no one else can”, that’s against spirituality, or “Oh, only I can manifest, but no one else can”, well, that’s not really the mindset you’re going to manifest from. So those very things that we want, we push them away by trying to safeguard it, and it does come from this old, old, deep ancestral fear of “Maybe I won’t survive if someone else takes this from me” so we try to hold onto it and it’s that lower reptilian brain that’s always telling us “You’ve got to watch your back”, “People are going to come against you”, “People are going to take from you”, and it really takes that deconditioning. And I feel so inspired by us, our generation and what we’re doing because I really believe our children can all grow up knowing that yes, there’s enough to go around; yes, you can be successful and so can your sister and you can celebrate each other. And what a world we will get to live in that everyone is in full alignment with their light and they’re no longer looking around at others outside of them and I really believe that with conversations like this, this will be possible. And, we’re getting so close, I mean if we can go through such a transformation in just our one lifetime of complete scarcity to complete unity, sometimes I’m sure little snips come up, but to snap back into it, then what could this look like generations from now, it’s just so exciting. I think we’re going to relate so much better, not only with ourselves but both with our environment, everything, so much more if we get out of this comparisonitis, scarcity mindset.
So, thank you for writing this book and for sharing this with us and for really – you have been doing this book launch pregnant, you’re due in 5 weeks, and yeah, I’m just so grateful that you’re sharing this. And I know so many people right now are deeply needing this message, especially after a 1+ year of quarantine and not feeling like you have access to real life and seeing the real problems that exist but feeling like you’re living in this computer box where everything is perfect except for you. So, thank you for shining light on this and I really think with conversations like this we can create better social media and a better world.
Yeah, 100%. And yeah, I feel blessed to be in time, space, reality where we have been able to transcend so many things, and we’re still on our journey, we all are, and I hope this book really does help and support so many people just remember the truth of who they are and come back to their highest self.
Thank you so much for sharing that.
So, where can listeners get your new book “Comparisonitis”?
You can get it anywhere you order your books, and head to comparisonitis.com and you get some beautiful bonuses when you order the book. It’s out right now and I’m so excited, come and check it out and come and tell me on Instagram what you got out of it once you finish reading it, I would love to hear.
And, if you feel called, you can leave a review, that would just mean the world to me.
Well thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us, we’re so grateful.
Thank you for having me again darling, I love you lots!
[56:22] End of Interview
How incredible was that conversation with Melissa! It truly feels so great to be able to speak woman to woman, open-hearted to another person who has also experienced comparison and feelings of unworthiness and feeling like you aren’t enough and just know that no matter what you are going through, where you are, that it’s okay to feel these things, they come up, they’re part of the human experience, so don’t deny these elements of yourself, and really look at them to bring about healing. Ask these parts of yourself questions – where do you come from, why are you here, how can I nourish you and make you feel like you are enough?
And be sure to also get Melissa’s “Comparisonitis” for more tips and hacks for overcoming your internal comparison. And also know that it doesn’t go away until you do the healing, there’s no level of success that one can get to that they’re no longer in comparison, it really is an internal job. We can’t skip the healing, unfortunately, we’re going to have to go through it, however, the reward on the other side is so worth it because you stop competing and comparing yourself with yourself, which is really our biggest antagonist. So, be sure to get the book!
And if you are wanting to join a community of other spiritual soul sisters and have workshops tailored to your spiritual growth, from opening to channel, womb medicine, healing and so much more, be sure to join me in my community Rose Gold Goddesses. We have new workshops, masterclasses, programs every single month; our own App so you connect to other spiritual queens as well as Dharma Support Circles where you can form your own circle of four queens to mastermind with, every two weeks, to really support each other in living your Dharma. So, you can learn more about it and join us over at rosegoldgoddesses.com and I can’t wait to meet you inside.
Episode 368: Overcoming Comparisonitis with Melissa Ambrosini
By Sahara Rose