One of the most common questions I get is, “What do I do if my partner is not in alignment with their dharma? Do I stay or go?” I wanted to answer this multifaceted question on this episode and offer you two perspectives depending on your situation! Enjoy!
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Episode 350: What To Do If Your Partner Is Not Down for Dharma
By Sahara Rose
Namaste. It’s Sahara Rose and welcome back to The Highest Self Podcast, a place where we discuss what makes you, Your Soul’s Highest Evolvement.
In this Episode I wanted to break down a question I get all the time, which is such a juicy and important question, and that is, what do I do if my partner, my romantic partner, is not in alignment with me living my Dharma or is not in alignment with their own Dharma? Do we break up? Do we stay together? What do I do?
And I, first of all, want to just acknowledge you for the self-awareness that you’re experiencing right now; to know how interconnected our personal well-being is to our relationships and for wanting what is best for your partner and for yourself. So, I commend you on that and I totally know what that feels like, to feel that you are shifting and growing and that your partner is not, and feel like maybe you can change them and love them through it, or feeling resentful that they don’t care as much as you do, and all of it normal and valid. I do believe it is extremely important to be in an environment that you feel like you are being respected and received. So, an environment where you can share your hopes and your dreams; where you can honor what is true for you; where you can voice your celebrations and your curiosities and not be judged. It is very hard for a flower to blossom when it is constant thunderstorms and when we’re living in a home with a person who, every time we have an idea, they’re like “Ah, that’s never going to happen” and “you’re so lost and confused” or “That’s delusional” or whatever else it is, that flower is never fully going to be able to blossom. Now, is it their responsibility to water and tend to your flower for you? No! Is it possible to still live your Dharma while another person is not? Absolutely! However, it is going to be more of a challenge because our romantic partnerships are a container in which we want to express the different sides of ourselves. It is very natural to want to share what is on your heart and not want to compartmentalize “My Dharma, I can only share with people on the internet, but I can’t share it with my own partner because they’re going to think I’m crazy or stupid”.
So, if you’re finding yourself in this place that you don’t feel supported by your partner – it’s a very multi-faceted answer because there’s not a one-size-fits-all. It really just depends on where you are at in your life and what you want, and so many other external and internal circumstances. So, if you are dating someone, you don’t have kids, it’s easier to go your separate ways because you don’t have children, you don’t have marriage papers, etc. Does that mean it’s the only way? No, not at all! But it is easier.
So, if you are in a relationship with someone and every time you bring up that you’re living you Dharma or you’re exploring it etc., and they’re knocking you down, I would say that this not the relationship for you. Because you want your relationship to be a place that you can be seen, and expressed, and celebrated, and loved and cherished, and all sides of yourself. And if someone is trying to prevent you from living your Dharma, that is preventing you from being of service to humanity. And why is that person holding you back? Are they holding you back because they’re afraid of stepping into their own Dharmas? Are they holding you back because if you follow your Dharma, you may change and they want to keep you exactly as you are? Are they confronted by something it is inside of them that they are not listening to? Are they just not at the same consciousness level as you? What is the thing? And chances are that thing is not in a vacuum, it’s showing up in other areas of your relationship. Maybe they only want to be the successful one and are having a hard time with you being successful; or maybe they are self-sabotaging and have different addictive behaviors or narcissistic behaviors and this is showing up in all different areas.
So, someone who genuinely loves you will want to see you happy and will want to see you thrive, and they will love you through your fullest expression even if it means you amy change. True love is “I will love you through whatever it is that you are moving through, even if it means one day you change and you fall out of love with me because I don’t want to contain you and feel like I own you, because that is the only way I can control you loving me” because that is not true love, true love is not saying “Grow, but only to the point that you will always choose me but don’t grow anywhere past that”. Of course, we probably do want to remain together but true love is if one day you grow in a different direction than I do, we will both respect and honor that and we will also make a commitment to communicating wherever we’re at along the journey and bringing the other person along with us even if that journey looks different for them.
So, if someone is holding you back from you living your Dharma, there is any form of abuse, of course, even just a belittling or making you feel unsafe, unheard and you can leave the relationship, I would say leave.
Now, let’s say you are married, you have kids, that definitely does make things more complicated. So, I would work with a therapist, I would talk your way through it; if there is abuse happening or any other forms of just belittling, that is something to definitely look into and not overlook. However, is it also possible for you to be living your Dharma with a person who is not, if they are not preventing you from living your own.
So, let’s say you’re on this dharmic journey of understanding the truth of who it is you are and your partner is not, maybe they aren’t doing their own internal work in this way but they’re supportive of you doing it; maybe they just haven’t gotten there in their evolution; yet maybe they’re like “Hey babe, I don’t understand all the things you’re saying right now but I’m so happy to see you happy and I respect and honor the choices that you’re making and the ways that you’re showing up for yourself, and I love you even through this new transition that you’re moving through”. So, that is giving you safety, it is giving you security, and that is very important in relationships. So, you feel safe and supported and comfortable to step into the discomfort.
So, if someone is maybe not living their Dharma but they’re are supportive of you doing so and they’re not holding you back in any way, then stay together. I do see some relationships that one person is really on their Dharma and another person is not, and people like that in a relationship. Some people prefer to have a partner who’s in more of a supportive role and they really admire that. But what I often see actually happens is even that partner who may have begun in that more supportive role, by living with someone and loving someone who is living their Dharma, it kind of rubs off on you. It’s really a contagious energy and chances are that other person is going to start questioning the truth of their soul.
Now, spirituality does not always look the same way especially spirituality for the feminine and for the masculine. So, a lot of times, the more masculine partner’s spiritual practice is going to be their sports or their music, or whatever it is that they’re doing, and it may not look spiritual for you but it’s actually them being in their own form of meditation.
So, for my husband, it is producing music that is his meditative state. When he’s in that studio, he’s making beats and he’s fully just immersed in the melodies, that is meditation for him. At first, when we first started dating, six years ago, I was like “You should do this, and you should do that, and you should come with me to this yoga class” I was trying to make him an ultra-spiritual man-bun-dude and he was very open to it and receptive to it, and that form of spirituality, which I was more into, was not his path, however, now he has found his own path which is more Allan Watts and non-dualism and zooming out, very stoic, it is a more masculine version of spirituality, but I never pushed that upon him, I never told him “You need to be this way or I’m going to leave you”, he went on his own journey and I lead by my own example of committing myself to my Dharma and my path that it inspired him to do the same. So rather than telling him, I showed him, I led by example.
So, I did not do this with the intention of “I’m doing this to change you” I did it because “I love you regardless of if making music is your meditation, I love you anyways”, and it led to him deepening into other forms of spirituality. And today I even call him ‘guru’, he teaches me so much.
So, that is an example of your partner may not be ‘spiritual’ in the way that you consider spirituality to be, but maybe it’s – for one of my friends, her partner makes leather goods in the garage and listens to heavy metal rock and just completely zones out, and that’s his practice and he’s just a good person. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what matters?
So, don’t feel like your partner needs to be doing all the kirtans or the ecstatic dance or drinking turmeric lattes and that’s what spirituality looks like. Their form of spirituality may be something that is so simple that you may just be overlooking it.
So, long story short to this entire question is – if you partner is withholding you from living your Dharma, they are holding you back, they are belittling you, then question leaving the relationship. However, if they’re supportive of you living their Dharma even if they’re not living their own, or their version of spirituality may be different from yours, then continue.
So, I hope this helped. I know it is something so many people are moving through. I further break down these Five Stages of Dharma Discovery that we go through in our Dharma journey in “Discover You Dharma”. So, if you have not yet, be sure to head over to my website iamsahararose.com/dharma to get the book, all the links are there and you can submit your receipt to get my Dharma Embodiment Practice to dance your way to your Dharma, my Discover Your Dharma Meditation and my Dharma Tapping Practice. So, all that is available for you on my website, the link is in the show notes and I’m soul excited to share this book with you.
So, if you’ve been reading this book, please tag me on your Stories, I’d love to see where you’re reading it, what you’re getting from it and I’m so honored and so grateful for you to say yes to your Dharma because the world needs it at this time.
If you loved this Episode, I would love to send you a free gift which is the first half of my unreleased book “Eat Right for Your Mind Body-Type“. This is a different book than “Eat Feel Fresh“. My first book ever which is not released anywhere, and I am gifting it exclusively to those who leave a review of my Podcast in the iTunes store. So all you gotta do is head over to iTunes where you’re maybe listening to this Podcast and leave a review, take a screenshot that you’ve left it and email it over to me at [email protected] and I will send you back the first half of my unreleased book “Eat Right for Your Mind-Body Type“, which goes all into Ayurveda, Doshas, Plant-Based Nutrition, Body Types – all of the things in a really fun and engaging way. So this is my gift to you for free for supporting the Podcast. Every single review I personally read. It really helps the Podcast be listened to by more people so we can raise the vibration of the planet together, and I am soul grateful to have you on this journey.
Thank you so much for listening and I’ll see you on the next Episode. Namaste.
Episode 350: What To Do If Your Partner Is Not Down for Dharma
By Sahara Rose