Many of us experience loneliness during the holidays—but it isn’t all the same.
In this episode, I share how each Dosha deals with loneliness differently—and what you can do about it.
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Intro + Outro Music: Silent Ganges by Maneesh de Moor
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Episode 147 – How the Doshas Deal with Loneliness During the Holidays with Sahara Rose
By Sahara Rose
Namaste. It’s Sahara Rose and welcome back to the “Highest Self” podcast. A place where we discuss what makes you your soul’s highest evolvement. Want more video content from me? Well head over to my YouTube channel to check out my new show “Ask Sahara” where I will be answering your questions each week related to all things spirituality, entrepreneurship, Ayurveda, wellness, self-care, relationships, and everything in between.
Head over to youtube.com/sahararose, and if you have any questions that you would like me to answer on “Ask Sahara,” simply send me an email over at [email protected] We already have a bunch of episodes live talking about all things from how to know if you’re a cross between two doshas and what you should eat. How to become more confident, how do you find the one, how to shift into abundance mindset, and so much more. So head over to youtube.com/sahararose to dive in.
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The holiday season can be tough. It is a time that if you are not in a relationship can be really, really difficult for you because, you know, the questions come from your parents. “Oh, you’re still single? Are you not seeing anyone? Do you want to get married? You know, you’re in your 30s, time is clicking.” And it can bring a lot of shit up. I mean even if you are in a relationship it brings a lot of shit up. I think loneliness is something that everyone experiences whether they’re surrounded by friends or absolutely alone. Because loneliness is a state within you, it really has nothing to do with your surroundings, it has to do with your connection to your surroundings and your ability to see them as understanding you or not.
So the holidays seasons can be a time that we are surrounded by people who really don’t see us. They may be blood related to us but they’re on a different vibration from us, they’re a different path, a different journey, a different dialect essentially. They’re not talking about dharma, and spirit guides, and Ayurveda, and these kind of topics. And you may actually feel awkward bringing up the true you to your family because you know that they’re going to judge you and that makes you shut down.
And then even though you’re around them you feel lonely, so I just want to open this up by saying everyone feels loneliness during the holidays whether you’re single or not. And it’s something that we can change from shifting the connection to your family and realizing that it’s something deeper than that. It is a bloodline, it is a lineage, it is a gift, it is an offering, we have chosen our parents for a reason whether we understand it right now or not. There are soul contracts and lessons that we may not be able to see but actually we needed the exact experience that our parents gifted us with. Whether that was trauma, or struggle, or hardship, or bliss, and union, and joy but those were the lessons that essentially we chose before we came here on this physical dimension.
So when we can look at it from that deeper level than we can drop, “Oh my God, I can’t believe he likes Trump.” Or, “Oh my God, I can’t believe he thinks the caravan is full of drug lords. I can’t believe this, I can’t believe that.” It’s like, yeah, I can’t believe it either, but they’re here, and sometimes we just have to accept that we’re on different vibrations, but we’re in each other’s lives for a reason. So let’s talk about how the doshas deal with loneliness during the holidays.
So if this is your first time listening to “Highest Self” podcast, hello, my name is Sahara. I am the author of two books: “Eat Feel Fresh” and “The Idiot’s Guide to Ayurveda.” And a lot of what we talk about here on this podcast is Ayurveda, which is the world’s oldest health system, the sister science of yoga based on the mind-body connection. So in Ayurveda there are three doshas, three archetypes, three mind-body types. These are called vata, which is air energy, pitta, which is fire, and kapha, which is earth. So vata-air, pitta-fire, kapha-earth.
So these doshas pretty much tell us how our mind is, how our body is, our relationships, and we are a combination of all three, but in varying amounts. So as I talk about them you may be like, “Oh my God, I’m totally a vata,” or, “My husband’s totally a kapha,” or “My mom’s totally a pitta,” or whatever. Or you may see, “Oh, I’m kind of a cross between these two,” or, “I feel like I can connect to all three but in different parts of my life,” and that’s okay because you know just like any archetype you’re not just one archetype. You may have one that you embody right now, relate to right now, but you may have one that you related to in a different period of your life.
So the doshas are ever-changing, we have a set of the three doshas that we were born with, that’s called our prakriti, our natural born constitution, but there’s something called our vikriti, which is the constitution that we have right now, and that is related to what’s going on in our lives, our diet, our lifestyle, our relationships, stress levels, all of these things can change our dosha.
So I’ve done a lot of episodes on Ayurveda, just scroll back, you’ll see a lot of episodes about it. What’s your entrepreneurship dosha is a really good one to start. That was like two months ago-ish, and obviously I’ve written two books about it, so if it’s something you’re interested in you can check out my books: “Idiot’s Guide to Ayurveda,” “Eat Feel Fresh.” And you can take the quiz on my website if you head over to iamasahararose.com—Sahara with an S. Then right on top you’ll see it says “Discover your dosha,” and you can take a quiz on my website which will tell you what your dosha is. But within the mind, within the body, breaking it down with percentages.
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So without further ado, let’s talk about how they relate to loneliness during the holidays. So vatas are the airy types, they are the type of people who always seem to be up to something new—new career, new partner, new hairstyle, new everything. They’re just constantly changing, they’re shifting their identity, they’re traveling, they’re going from one thing to a next, it’s like you can’t keep up with them. So during the holidays it’s very easy for them to distract themselves by going to a few too many holiday parties, or having a few too many drinks, or just doing a few too many things to distract themselves from actually just feeling lonely.
And if you ever try to avoid an emotion, guess what, it’s going to amplify because it’s saying, “Why won’t you look at me?” And when you don’t look at it it’s gets bigger, and bigger, and bigger. So if you don’t sit with, “Yeah, I do feel lonely, I wish I did have someone to bring home during the holidays, I wish I did have someone to connect to when I came back at home.” And if you could just acknowledge that, just feel it for like 90 seconds because actually we can only feel an emotion fully for 90 seconds. Like sadness, longing, whatever it is, you can really just sit with it for 90 seconds and then the emotion moves on. So if you can just sit with it then you won’t constantly be needing to fill up your time with new things because you’ll say, “Yeah, it’s there, and I’m going to do the best that I can.”
So what vatas always need to realize is that them being alone is the greatest freedom that they can have. Because when you can truly sit with yourself, you no longer have the need of distraction of others. You’re able to tap into the greatness of who you are. So oftentimes when we are surrounded by people we’re distracted by the conversation, by this, by that. But when we are actually alone we’re able to tap into the subtleties of who we are, why we are, and this allows us to become our own friend, to find that grounding within ourselves. You learn new things about yourself, you can practice self-care, and you finally have time for those creative projects that you’ve been waiting to do.
So vatas really need to focus on grounding during the holiday season So it’s a lot of air energy, vatas mentally get really in their heads, anxious, insomnia, forgetful, restless. So what they need is to ground their energy down, focus on staying in more, focus on just connecting with earth, connecting to your body. Use this time to really go inward, connect to your kapha, your earth energy. So even if it’s cold outside, take a walk, put on some boots, and be in the snow. Look at the empty trees and make friends with the seasons of life. You know, not all the time needs to be go time. We can only heal our emotions when we fully go through them so by truly allowing yourself to be alone you can no longer really feel lonely. So if you relate to a vata, re-listen to that any time you feel lonely during this holiday season.
Now pittas, pittas are the fiery types. They always have something going on and are determined to achieve their goals. So when they’re lonely during the holiday season, they can get super obsessive about their work. And really what they’re using their work for is as a means of distraction. Anyone? Anyone? So pittas are the ones that everyone’s like, you know, singing a song, or telling stories, and they’re like, “Uh huh, uh huh,” secretly typing on their phones under the table. Why? Because they feel like if they’re not always getting ahead of everyone then they’re going to fall behind.
So though they are fiery, really what it is coming from is fear. Fear of not being enough. Fear of if you are not the most accomplished person in the room then you’re no longer special. So this is something that I for sure had to deal with growing up as like someone who always tried to get good grades, and be the best, and realizing that it came from my need for approval of my parents. And when I was finally able to let that go, I realized that I don’t need anyone’s approval. So I’m just gonna do me and I don’t need to be the smartest person in the room or have the best grades, or the best GPA, or the best job, or whatever it is, I can just be me.
And the thing is you’ve realized that other people have permitted themselves to do the same. Like other people aren’t stressing out about work during the holidays, it’s something that you’ve just created for yourself out of your definition of worthiness. So when you realize it’s just this story that you created yourself, then you see that it’s an illusion and you can get out of it.
So another big thing that pittas have is their need for control. And a relationship is a place where you no longer have control, you’re essentially putting your heart and your hands in another person’s. So when pittas are single they feel like they couldn’t control finding the one, so they put all their energy towards their business. They’re saying, “Oh, well I’m single, I don’t even care, so I made this much money this year, look how many houses I’ve sold, look how many volumes I made, whatever it is.” But really, it’s coming out of their need of control because the one thing that they couldn’t control they don’t have. And what they end up doing is they put so much energy into their business that they end up burning themselves out and then no longer being in a place where they can meet someone.
I mean during one of those family holidays when you’re so busy typing away on your phone even though no one’s even responding to emails cause they’re enjoying the holidays, that could have been a chance that you could have met someone or had a conversation with someone who could have introduce you to someone. So pittas are like, “I know everyone here, no one’s going to introduce me to anyone.” But just putting out that energy of openness, of invitation, is essentially telling the universe that, “Yes, I’m ready to meet new people and have new conversations and new experiences.”
But when you’re closed off and you’re saying, “No, that doesn’t look like what I need. I know what I want, no one here knows what I want.” You’re essentially sharing energy with the universe that you’re shut down. And that is going to translate in every area of your life of being shut down, of having walls, of having guards, and that’s why a lot of these people they seem like they have their guard up all the time. And that is the opposite of the invitation of the opening of your heart that you need to be in relationship.
So focus on opening your heart. Maybe it’s with Aunt Sally who you can’t stand but that’s your guru right there, that’s your teacher. Maybe it’s connecting to the 12-year-old at the table and you’ll learn something new. Maybe there’s a cool new social media platform out there that you’re not aware of. Not everything has to be calculated, not everything needs an immediate reward at the end. So pittas can look at life that way, and when you can hop off of that, you open yourself up to so many more experiences that will bring you into places that you could have never planned for yourself.
So pittas also sometimes avoid confronting their loneliness because they’re in denial. They say they don’t have time for love when really the thing is that they won’t make time for love. So again, it comes down to what do you value? Do you want to be in relationship not because it’s what you’re supposed to do. Maybe you don’t want to be in a relationship and you have to be okay with that. Because sometimes people feel like they should be in a relationship but they actually aren’t in a place to be in a relationship. And sometimes people really want to be in a relationship but they’re telling others they don’t want to be in a relationship because they don’t know how to say, “Yes, I need something.”
So really tap in with yourself and see what do I really want? Do I even have space for another person being in my life right now? You know, what I always tell my single friends is if you’re single, set off two hours for yourself every Friday night or every Sunday morning and whenever it is that you had spent time with your beloved. And keep those hours totally open and do that thing that you would want to do with them. Take yourself out to dinner and a movie, take yourself to brunch and a bike ride. Do that thing that you would want to do with your lover. Because when the universe sees that your schedule is so filled up with things, it says, “Hey, how am I going to send you your soul flame when there isn’t enough time in your calendar for them?” So you need to create that space and say, “Yes, I am open to receiving.”
So pittas, focus on the presence, create that work-life separation, otherwise your identity and your work will become one. And realize that you’ll actually perform your best when you unplug for a while. You have to move into the kapha, the sacred pause, the grounding, the earth, the connection so you can move into the vata, the idea creation. It can’t be from the pitta, it moves in a cycle. So unplug for a while, allow yourself to experience that sacred pause and that’s when the ideas will come through.
And also really know that you are going to be loved whether you are the most successful person or not. Your level of love that you receive is not based off of how hard you work. You already are loved. Nourish yourself, spend time with children, play, laugh, and stop taking everything so seriously. This will be the greatest life lesson for you.
Now kapha, kaphas are the earthy types. They are grounded, they’re supportive, they’re stable, humorous, I think of them as grandmother energy. They’re always making sure everyone else around them is okay. They’re checking in with people, holding space, they’re humorous, they’re indulgent with their time, they’re laughing, they’re smiling. But sometimes—or a lot of the times—they put others in front of themselves.
They’re just natural-born empaths, so the holiday season can be a really tough time for someone who’s an empathy. You’re holding onto memories, your exes, family trauma, which can really spark up some heavy emotions. You may be in the kitchen, you’re making cookies, and you’re setting the table, and you’re you know, being really cheerful, but deep down inside you may still be hurting. And kaphas, though they are the most humorous, they are the most likely to suffer from sadness and even depression because they hold onto things.
And why? Because energetically it’s like the earth, it’s stagnant, it’s stuck, it’s resistant to change. Kaphas would rather be with someone for five years even if they know that they’re not the one than have to deal with a break-up, and dating, and meeting new people because that just sounds like too much of a commotion. I mean online dating there’s predators out there. But what ends up happening is you end up situations that you know are not serving you for way too long.
So kaphas really need to focus on putting themselves first. I mean if you don’t put yourself first in your life no one’s going to put you first in their life. And you have to let go of this need to be the happy-go-lucky person for everyone around you, the one who’s smiling, and supportive, and humorous. You can have shitty days, you know, that’s fine. You don’t need to always be funny and perfect. People will still love you just because of who you are.
So kaphas often go to food to deal with loneliness, particularly carbohydrate-rich foods. And this is because the carbohydrate-rich foods essentially increase our dopamine levels, our happiness hormones in our brains. They create essentially the same feeling as love. So we use this food, these comfort foods, these cookies, this mac and cheese, whatever it is to fill up the void in our heart.
And kaphas often give themselves the excuse, “Oh, well I’m single, no one cares what I look like.” But that subconscious thought is only further creating the gap between the true you and the outside you. So essentially you’re building a shield around yourself to protect yourself from being hurt. So kaphas, you must use this holiday time to try something new. Spark out of your regular routine, sign up for an exercise class you love, get Class Pass in your local area. Maybe you’re visiting your parents or somewhere, get Class Pass, get moving.
Or maybe this is not the year that you should visit your parents. I know that may sound hard and weird and harsh, but sometimes they take you back to a time and space that is no longer serving you. And if you visiting your family is just making you feel worse, then I would say don’t visit your family. Because visiting your family and being resentful about it the whole time and then coming back and feeling depressed, and grumpy, and irritable is actually really not serving anyone—your family included.
Sometimes you need to take a break from being around the family, from doing the same things you’ve been doing your whole life. And this is the time to go travel, to go use this week to sign up for cool new classes, to go on a meditation retreat, to go dancing, to do something new, especially on your own. Kaphas often feel like they need to be surrounded by other people. And when they’re by themselves they feel like, “Oh my god, well you know, who am I without others?” Because when others are around you they put you in a good mood, but essentially you are staging a good mood because you don’t want to let them down, but that’s not your actual good mood. You were just creating that good mood to make them happy so then when other people are not around you no longer have anyone to impress that you are just being yourself and then you have to sit with the emotion that you ate not feeling your best.
So this is why I urge you to take time to yourself. Maybe you have kids and you can’t, you know, leave your kids, but to do something on your own. Maybe your sister or your friend like babysits the kids for a day, and you just take that time to really get out of your routine, go dancing, go hiking, meditate, journal, do some crafts. Whatever it is that really is calling you that will make you feel like a more elevated version of yourself. But remaining the same is not doing anyone a favor—including yourself.
So get out there, go to a party you don’t know anyone, dance till you’re dripping in sweat, like literally shake our body. It’s so helpful to shake your body, it removes the stagnant energy that’s just stored somatically in our systems. So when I had a kapha imbalance I used to just go outside, I would just shake, shake, shake and I would feel so much better after. And soon after when you’re meeting new people, which will lead to new opportunities, and eventually along this road maybe you won’t find the one, but you will realize that you already are the one.
So I hope this episode helped you learn more about the doshas and how to deal with loneliness during the holidays. Again, loneliness is something that everyone experiences and it’s not a bad thing either. It just means that we haven’t taken enough time to sit with ourselves. Because when we truly sit with ourselves and make friends with who we are on our won we can never experience loneliness.
So thank so you so much for listening, and if you loved this episode, and you’d like a little gift for reviewing it, I would love to send you the first half of my unreleased book. It’s called “Eat Right For Your Mind Body Type,” it is not available for sale anywhere, never will. So as a free gift for reviewing this episode in the iTunes store you just head over to iTunes on your phone, on your computer, click “Write a review,” write a nice review, take a screenshot of it, and email it over to me before you hit submit. My email is sahara, S-A-H-A-R-A, @eatfeelfresh.com, and I will send you back the first half of my unreleased book, “Eat Right For Your Mind Body Type.” I hope you loved this episode and I’ll see you on the next one. Namaste.
Episode 147 – How the Doshas Deal with Loneliness During the Holidays with Sahara Rose