This episode is sexy AF. I mean you wouldn’t expect less for Valentine’s Day, would you? If you’ve been yearning to go deeper into your sensuality, this is for you. I sit down with Alexa aka That Sex Chick to discuss becoming our own best lover and dive into various toys and practices we can use to support. We discuss jade eggs, crystal wands, g-spot wands, cervical de-armoring and various types of vibrators.

She then shares with us how she maintains erotic spark and intimacy in her long-term marriage – even giving the breakdown of their practice to move them out of their heads and into the body including elemental massage, sensual touch, energetics and kink – leading to the best sex ever. You’ll want to take notes in this episode.. And have your partner listen too!

Connect with Alexa here https://www.instagram.com/thatsexchick

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Intro + Outro Music: Silent Ganges by Maneesh de Moor

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Transcript

Episode #483: How To Have The Best Sex Ever + Maintain That Spark In Long-Term Relationships with Alexa That Sex Chick
By Sahara Rose

[00:00] Sahara

Such a huge percentage of women are just not even experiencing orgasm through sex, just to begin with, because the men, you know, are following what porn does, and it’s not even what we want, and lack of communication, and then women faking orgasms, and just like, not exploring. But when you’re able to go there and know your body, it’s like, every single one has a lesson for you and a softening. 

And for me, like, my cervical orgasms, it’s like I see visions, I see, like, hieroglyphics, I get, like, downloads. Like, I got this download once that like the real reason that the pyramids are there is because the women would be directly under the tip in the pyramid, in this, like, aligned sphynx position and her chakras are, like, completely in alignment with the top of it, and she would transmute her sexual energy that would go through the top of the pyramid into the Sirius galaxy, and like, all these downloads.

[00:48] Alexa

Yeah. It was that good, good!

[00:50] Sahara

Yeah!

[00:51] Alexa

Or it’s terrifying. You know, some people almost avoid orgasm because they’re afraid of them.

[00:56] Sahara

Oh, I’m like, give me all!

[00:58] Alexa

Oh, I know. I have a friend that is so sensitive to sensation and afraid that she’ll blast off, you know, because even being around people that are on substances or whatever, she’s like “I’m so sensitive”, I’m like “Are you self-pleasuring?”, she’s like “I can’t remember the last time I did because I’m so afraid of blasting off”.

[01:15] Sahara

But that’s the beauty of sex, because you’re so in your body.

_______________________________________ 

[01:29] Sahara

Hey, it’s Sahara Rose, and welcome back to The Highest Self Podcast, a place where we discuss what makes you, your soul’s highest evolvement. 

[01:36] Sahara

I have been really diving into my own sensuality and it has been such a beautiful journey of self-love and spirituality, but also play and fun. 

[01:46] Sahara

So, I was super excited when I met That Sex Chick aka Alexa, because she is the queen of all of these things, from the sensual side, to the erotic side, to the kink side, and everything in between. And as soon as I met her, I knew I had to bring her on the Podcast for a Valentine’s Day Episode because, come on, let’s get real, we keep it spicey up in here, and this is definitely the spiciest conversation we’ve ever had on the Podcast! We are breaking grounds right here! And this is like the Sahara single era, so it’s a whole new era of me. So, get ready for an even more open, and juicy, and unleashed version of me on the Episodes to come!

[02:23] Sahara

So, this conversation is just a spiritual as it is just, like, sexy and fun. We talk about tantric sex, she goes through many different sex toys with us, that she actually brought.

So, if you’re listening to this and not watching this, I highly recommend, also, watching it either on Spotify video or on YouTube, so you can actually see the sex toys that she’s sharing with us. So, she goes through the jade egg, the crystal wand, various forms of vibrator, kink toys, and shows us how to use it with ourselves and with partners. 

[02:52] Sahara

So, it’s such a beautiful Episode to allow you to have the best sex ever, and also maintain that spark in long-term relationships, because, let’s be real, after a few years of a long-term relationship, it’s often work to keep that spark going, and it doesn’t mean it’s impossible, in fact, it can keep getting better, however, it does take active communication, and vulnerability, and trial and error on both sides, so she really speaks into that. And she actually gives us the step-by-step ritual she does with her husband which, I was just like “I’m in love with you guys, this is amazing”, bringing that into my next partnership, for sure! 

[03:27] Sahara

And also, after this conversation, she gave me a private little experience with various toys. We did not have sex, but I had my clothes on, but, you know, she was putting the feather on my back and this, like, cold thing, and just like, various sensations, and I loved it because it’s such a beautiful practice of receiving and giving to a lover or a partner that allows you to be in your body and out of your mind. 

So, after I recorded this, I was like “I’m ordering all the different tools and things”, just to have more pleasure and sensation, because we really are embodied beings, we’re able to connect back into that, especially, we spend so much time on our laptops, in our heads, in our masculine, it just drops back into the heart and back into the body and womb.

So, this is a really juicy conversation that you’re going to want to send some friends, you’re going to want to relisten to, like, it is fun, you’re going to be laughing along with us. This Episode is a good fucking time! 

[04:22] Sahara

So, before we get into it, communication is key to, not only relationships but to living our dream lives because the truth is, the reason why we aren’t in the relationships that we want, we aren’t in the careers that we want, friendships, we’re not being seen and heard, is because we’re struggling with our communication. 

And your voice is your calling card, it allows people to feel into your energy. Like, I’m sure you feel so much into my energy from just hearing my voice. And the reason why the voice is, like, the missing link of all these things is because the voice is deeply connected to the yoni and the womb. So, when you open both up, you’re fully in your power.

[05:04] Sahara

And for me, stepping me into my voice has allowed me to create this Podcast, which has become the number one spirituality podcast in the US; it has allowed me to speak on stages at places like Google and Facebook and conferences with tens of thousands of people. But more than that, it has allowed me to really live my truth. 

You know, every single week, I get to come on this Podcast and have my ideal conversation that I would just to have in my life, it has allowed me to have deeply profound friendships, it has allowed me to go on IG Live and feel confident in sharing the downloads and the messages that I’m learning, it has allowed me to create two 7-figure businesses, which has been such a blessing for me, allowing me to travel right now and fully share my mission, sponsor many children around the world and be able to make the impact that I want to make. 

[05:54] Sahara

So, for me, opening up my throat chakra has been the most important work that I have ever done in my life, and it is my gift, and it is my dharma to share. And so many of you have been asking me like “How did you become such a good speaker?”, “How did you become so eloquent and confident?”, and I really sat with that, like “Okay, how did I do this?”, because if you go back to my first Episode, in 2017, I did not sound like this, you can definitely feel a shift in my voice and being. So, I broke it down step-by-step into what I would do in 21 days, to become a powerful speaker. And I put it all together (and it took me a while) and I actually created this a year ago (I’ve been sitting with it for a year), to really create a course that, in the little most amount of time possible, like, 10-20 minutes a day, for just 21 days, you will become an amazing speaker. Like, going from unconfident to confident, if you do each day, and the practices. 

And I know, in the economy and changes, like, it’s hard to sign up for expensive courses right now, so I made it the most affordable course that I’ve ever done in my life. And right now, because it just launched, it’s 50% OFF, and you’re never going to see this price again.

So, this is my Speak With Soul Course, it’s a 21-day guided journey to activate your voice, whether it’s for you career, your coaching practice, growing an audience, or even just for yourself, in work, relationships, friendships.

So, if you’re interested and curious, you want to snag that special discount launch rate, head over to speakwithsoulcourse.com. Again, that’s speakwithsoulcourse.com and you can find that link in the show notes. 

[07:27] Sahara

So, now that we’re getting our communication going, let’s talk about our fantasies, let’s talk about our desires, let’s talk about us! Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about boobs in the club, let’s talk about making love, let’s talk about cherries on top. Girl, it’s going down! Girl, I want to talk dirty to you, baby, on the hotline, on The Highest Self Podcast! Let’s go! 

________________________________________________________________ 

[07:56] Interview

[07:56] Sahara

Welcome Alexa, to The Highest Self Podcast, it’s so good to have you here!

[07:59] Alexa

Yes! We’re going to do it!

[08:01] Sahara

Yes, we’re doing it big today! And the first question I’ve got to ask you is, what makes you your highest self? 

[08:09] Alexa

What makes me my highest self? So, something that I’m working on now in my life, as a person who has often overdone it, whatever it is, overcommitted, gone up against the edge of burnout, has just, in general, overdone it, what I have found, especially recently, after going through grief and loss, and yeah, just kind of being brought to my knees in life – it kind of sounds cheesy, but it’s balance. And it’s by infusing more of the soft, and the sweet, and the tender, and the graciousness, in my world. 

So, to answer the question what leads me to my highest self, is ensuring that I know that I have drive, and I know that I can provide value in so many ways in my world and a lot of that is a very push energy, a very do energy. And the way that I really access my highest is when I juxtapose that with things that slow me down, that allow for me to feel what’s real, feel my sensations, feel my emotions all the way through so that I can hear myself and hear, you know, what my next step might be, and actually have access to my highest self.

[09:26] Sahara

So funny you say that because I was writing this poem yesterday and it’s like “Yes, I’m strong and powerful, but I’m also soft, and gentle, and tender, and vulnerable, and romantic, and all of those are also parts of me”. And you know, I feel like in life, often, we encounter obstacles and situations that require us to be strong and we can’t have the strength without the softness, but to really cultivate that surrender and cultivate that heart openness, for me, it’s what makes everything worthwhile.

[10:00] Alexa

Agreed! 

[10:01] Sahara

And sex, such a beautiful way of experiencing that with yourself, with another, with God. And now, post-divorce, navigating my own journey of like “What is my true, like, erotic energy within myself? Who am I sensually, sexually? What do I desire?”, and really cultivating that within myself. Becoming my own best lover has been my work, because, often, when we’re in romantic relationships with people, we kind of, like, expect that person to fill our needs, or we get what we need, sexually, from them. And you know, when you’re on your own, I feel like it’s such a huge invitation to be like “Okay, like, who actually am I, like…?” I was asking you about all these different questions and stuff that I had, and it’s like cute, because I mean, I haven’t been single since I was 23 years old, so it’s like, little girl in me coming out like “Oh, what are all these things? Tell me more! Wow, what are all these toys?” 

So, the first, kind of, topic I’d love to jam on is becoming our own best lovers, because it’s so easy for us to, you know, watch the movies and be like “I wish I had someone to sweep me off my feet and give me everything I want sexually and take me to this higher state”, but ultimately, we can’t even have that with someone else if we don’t know how to get there on our own. So, let’s start with self-pleasure – how do we really cultivate a self-pleasure practice that connects us to our hearts and our pussies?

[11:25] Alexa

Yeah, yeah! Wow, I think I know so many people that get into relationships and then, often, when it comes to sexual dynamics, if they’re really honest with themselves, they’re performing the whole time, they’re doing what they think is going to turn their partner on vs doing things that turn them on, for the sake of their turn-on. 

And so, sometimes, I find with, especially women, when I give them, maybe, the practice, because it is a practice like you show up to the mat for yoga, like, if I haven’t done yoga for a long time, and then I go to the mat, and then, you know, everyone around me is getting into a hand stand and I’m like “I can barely hobble, you know, a foot up in the air, and like this takes practice in order for me to get to standing on my head”, you know, and that kind of example. But when it comes to sex, I position, you know, if you were to take this, maybe this practice, and do it one time with yourself, what is that going to feel like? But if you only do it one time with yourself, and it’s challenging, and you rush through it, then there’s a possibility that that’s happening in your sex in general and your connection with your sex, in general. 

So, sometimes, I find women have a hard time even going to do it, it’s almost like all the stuff that they wind up taking into the bedroom, starts to peep through because they’ll say things like “Well, I save that with my partner, I’d rather just do that with my partner and not do that for myself”, or I give them the assignment and they resist it, and resist it, and resist it, or they go to do it and they get frustrated and they abandon it and they will leave it because it’s uncomfortable.

Sometimes, giving that exercise to people, or encouraging them to do that, is harder than saying “Bring this into your actual partnership to do with your partner”, because then it’s something that they can act on vs something that they can be with. And when they’re being with themselves, stuff can come up. And I think there’s this idea that if I’m going to self-pleasure, or if I’m going to masturbate, which, I like the word self-pleasure vs masturbation, because masturbation is a work that literally means to defile, so it doesn’t have a good connotation. And so, is we say you’re going to self-pleasure and you’re going to bring touch and presence to your body, maybe not just your genitals, but your whole body, and you’re going to be sweet with yourself, and you’re going to turn your favorite music on and you’re going to make sure everybody’s locked out and you have this private moment, what’s going to come up? Because for a lot of people it’s not just an orgasm. For some people it’s challenging achieving an orgasm, and for some people, they’ve never touched themselves that way, maybe even their lover doesn’t touch them that way, and it can be very confronting. And so, I can understand that a lot of people have challenges with it, but if you were to continue showing up to the mat, so to speak, and continue being sweet with yourself, and seducing yourself and touching yourself, and holding yourself when you cry, and having an orgasm that leads you to a fit of laughter or having an orgasm that leads you to sobbing, and you are just with yourself, you’re going to learn to trust yourself a whole lot more. And that connection to your pleasure is going to, just, continue to become stronger. And when you absolutely can bring that then into your dynamic with your partner, and who you are and how you show up in your sexuality, is that much more vibrant. 

[14:48] Sahara

So, why does that happen, that the orgasmic energy causes us to laugh or cry or feel whatever the suppressed energy is?

[14:56] Alexa

You know, I don’t know. Sexual energy moves really fast, it moves really, really fast. That’s why for a lot of people, I encourage them to just move much slower, just slow everything down so that you can truly feel the sensations. 

I mean, in the genital area, the root of your body, you know, that, for a lot of people, is their sense of safety. And so, if you move too quickly with sexual energy, then you can potentially bare down or store, and I guess I’ll just use this term, store traumas and infractions, kind of, in that part of the body. Or sometimes when someone has something happen in their lives, it’s kind of too fast, too soon, there’s a baring down of the perineum, so to, like, brace themselves, they hold, you know, they tighten. And even as I’m saying that, you might be squeezing your butt, you know, like squeezing the pelvic floor where it’s like I – you know, let’s say someone’s raising their voice at you and you squeeze and you tense, and where are you tensing – it’s in that general area.

So, orgasm and pleasure, and especially if you can remember to breathe through it, you are dispersing that energy. And I would say, occasionally, for some people, when they experience orgasm, they experience, well, most people would say it’s a release. And so, you might be not just releasing and having pleasure, you might be releasing things that you don’t even know what it’s attached to. And that’s why sex can be so healing, you know, it is a very creative type of energy, it is lifeforce energy, it is behind so much of what we see in the world, of all that we see in the world. And so, it’s really big and powerful and it has the power to heal.

And so, the thing that might, you know, roll to the other side of your orgasm is a fit of laughter, and that’s the way the rest of the energy wants to be dispersed. 

Most people, when they have the crying or the laughing, or the cry-gasm, or whatever, they’re not thinking of anything, consciously, it just is. So, then, that’s, you know, part of the work is not trying to give it meaning, it’s just letting it be and going “Thank you”, “Thank you to yourself”, “Thank you to spirit”, whatever, that you want to say thank you to for moving that through you.

[17:01] Sahara

I feel like it just opens up your heart and your spirit so deeply that whatever the emotion that wanted to be expressed, that wasn’t able to, it finally gives it that space. And it’s so beautiful because you can simultaneously heal through pleasure. And it shows that healing doesn’t just have to be the deep shadow work and, you know, the grief and all of that, that’s definitely a part of it, but it can also be through this pleasure, like, transmuting through your body and clearing any way, and, like, stored, just, like, blockages and, like, chakras and stuff that we have.

So, I feel like a lot of women, on their own, may let themselves go there, they might let themselves sound out whatever they’re feeling, but then, when it comes to being with a partner, then it turns into the performance again and they’re embarrassed and they’re shameful. So, how can we introduce a more healing version of sex with a partner?

[17:57] Alexa

The first tip is to slow it all down because a lot of times people are like “Wham-bam, thank you mam, like, you want this from me, I have this thing, I want you to be happy and let me do my duty and let’s move on”. Sex is not – it’s a tool for many reasons, and one of them can be healing. And of course, it’s connection, and it’s release, and it’s to diffuse conflict, there’s so many reasons, you know, ways, you can leverage sex with the act of sex or penetration and certainly pleasure, above that, or alongside that. 

But the next piece is – I always ask people why, you know, why do you want that, why is that intriguing to you, why are you curious about that, and what do you hope it’s going to lead you to? And typically, underneath that desire, in general, but let’s just use this desire, there’s something vulnerable and it’s “I want to feel safe”, “I want to feel a certain kind of connection”, “I want my partner to show up in a particular way”. And so, you can ask a partner “I want to have more connective, intentional sex”, and they can go “Okay”, but how are they going to respond to that? You know, you have to ask that question until you can say “Oh, well, I asked them for more intentional, whatever kind of sex, but how they deliver that can look like so many different things. So, unless you’re specific and connected to your why, and able to communicate that, you don’t know where they’re going to lead you. As you ask somebody for intentional, more intentional, healing sex, you could ask five more people and they’re all going to lead you to something different and have a different idea of what that means. So, what does it mean to you and what would you like out of that?

And then collaborate with your partner, you’re on the same team, you’re both on the journey together, so, collaborate on what you’d like the experience to entail and what you’re going to try. And also, understand that you might fuck it up, like, it might not go well. And so, what are your bumpers that you’re going to put in place to support you? And if this goes a little sideways, how are we going to raid it back in and make sure we come back to love and we show ourselves that we’re safe, our bodies are safe. 

And so, the precursor to this is a conversation, and so, that it’s a willingness to be vulnerable because you could go to a partner and say “I want this type of sex” and the partner go “I don’t know what mumbo-jumbo that is, what are you talking about?”, you have to be willing to be rejected and manage and process that because a lot of times people will reject what they don’t understand, and so, that might take some time. And so, you might not approach your partner and be like “I want this incredible tantric, vortex, whatever kind of sex”, and it’s “Hey I’d like to, you know, have maybe some – let’s try this, something different, how do you feel about bringing some sensual implements into the mix?” And I don’t know if you would say implements, I use the word implements, so like “I want to change the lighting and I want to change the color, I want to change the music. Will you meet me in this? Will you meet me in this? This is what I desire, this is important to me. Are you down?” And if they’re not, do your very best not to take it personally because they might not be ready yet.

[21:14] Sahara

Yeah, I feel like so many us women, we desire this, like tantric, soul-enriching, like, harmonious ‘take me to God’ sex, but we don’t know what that looks like. So, you might express that desire like, you know “The dear lover, like, I want you to take me, ravish me and take me to the depths of my core”, but then it’s like, okay then, what does that mean? 

And like you shared, most men, they want to satisfy us and be there for us but they just don’t know what that looks like in these words like ‘tantra’, ‘spiritual’, like…

[21:45] Alexa

Or even ‘ravish’.

[21:46] Sahara

Ravish, it’s like, buzz words. But I think what comes up for me, when I feel into it, is like, and this could be like the feminine wound of like “Well, if I tell them what it is, then it’s not them leading me, I want them to lead me to it”. So, how do we state our needs in a way that’s not, like, then planning out with the sexual encounters?

[22:07] Alexa

I often talk about my relationship with my husband Jordan, which is by far my greatest achievement in life, is my relationship. I could cry even just talking about it! The way that we show up for each other is, I never thought that I could have a relationship like that, with my backgrounds, my mom’s married five times, single mom, military, I’m from south Louisiana, I grew up very catholic, kind of, upbringing, so I had a lot going, kind of, stacked against me to have a life and a love like I have right now. And I’ve worked damn hard for that!

And so, some of my work is to, like, to stop working so hard occasionally and actually be present with the work, the fruits of my labor. But when I look at my relationship, the way that I speak with Jordan about it is that, I’m the visionary, I’m the leader in love, and I’m the leader in where our family’s going to go, and he’s the executor. And so, I have a vision for where we’re going to go and then he goes “Cool, you have the vision, I trust your feminine intuition”, and which has been a challenge for him at times, but now he’s, like, fully on board now, he’s like “You’re a witch. I’m going to do what…”, you know “I’m going to believe…”

[23:10] Sahara

Amazing, that’s what we like to hear. 

[23:11] Alexa

Right, right? You’re a witch, holy shit! But then, he helps my dreams to come into actuality, into fruition, because how we create life is both of us. And so, he, I’ll, a lot of times, have the vision, and he goes into planting the seeds and nurturing them and all of there, and I go through and I nurture them, and he just continues doing, and if we want to use that kind of language. And so, when it comes to sex, I can’t be surprised if I don’t want to tell someone something, like, they can’t read my mind. And so, if I don’t want to tell them something, because I don’t want to take the sexy out of it, well, then I’m just going to wind up with lack luster dynamics where I’m upset or I’m not fulfilled. 

So, the way that I would suggest for people to go about that is to talk about it, even beyond, when you’re going to do it. So, you know, there’s some things that my husband knows now, like conversations that we have, that are over coffee and then let’s say, well, I’m off of coffee now so maybe I’m drinking tea in this, you know, imaginary space. I have tea and he has coffee and we’re at the kitchen table, on a Sunday morning, and we’re talking about things that we might be interested in. It’s in a non-sexual environment and it’s a way that we can talk about it, just like we would be talking about the hike that we’re going to go on in a couple of hours, or what we’re going to doing, you know, in the week ahead. 

And so, I would encourage people to speak about these things, not just right before they’re going to do it. That way, your partner is just picking up clues.

And then, another thing is to get really curious about each other and to just continue asking questions. And I know some people do do that and they wish that their counterpart would do that back to them or take that initiation. And I’m going to be super straightforward about another thing here, especially for women. Just like I said I am the visionary in our relationship, we have our own language in the way that we operate, but in general, women are the leaders in love, you are the leader in your connection. And so, your guy, if this is, we’re talking about a heterosexual, male/female relationship here, he’s a leader in many other ways. So, a lot of times, you’ve got to stop trying to lead in the ways that, you know, he’s meant to lead, which can look different for each relationship, and make sure that you’re leading in the connection and that you’re leading in love.

[25:33] Sahara

What does that look like, to be the leader in love? 

[25:35] Alexa

Yeah. So, it’s inspiring these conversations. Instead of steadily waiting for the guy to show up at the kitchen table and start asking you about your desires, it’s probably not going to happen, they’re a little bit more logical than that. So, set them up for success, set you up for success. So, like, maybe you don’t lay out every single thing that you’d want in a scenario, in a sexual scene, but you give them the clues and they understand how to act on it, and through practice, because it is practice, if you are asking them to do something they’ve never done before, through practice, you’ll eventually get to authenticity and embodiment, because that’s another piece. You might ask them to do something and they’re like checking off the box, “Well, she wants this, and this, and this”, and guess what you wind up having is someone who’s just going through the motions because they think that’s what you want, but they don’t how to embody it yet because they need to practice. So, you have to lower the expectations in that regard, and assumptions in that regard, and make more space to fuck it up, to actually go there and kind of, like, mess it up a little bit, and return to love, and choose to laugh about it after. These are choices that you make. If you put this in like an impossible little box of standards, that’s a you challenge, not your relationship. Your relationship has the relationship, and I could say this, like, for some people, I don’t know what your relationship status is right now, or what it looks like, but everything that you desire and you want, if that is two people that really want to be with each other, anything that you can imagine, that you can desire, is possible in that relationship. If you’re good people and you’re showing up for each other, and maybe you’re just, like, a little bit, kind of, your puzzle pieces aren’t fitting together, or the term “Maybe we’re just not compatible”, I hear that a lot, there’s way more exploration that you can do. 

And I find that a lot of people will think that they’re incompatible, and really, they just need more conversation, more inspired conversation. So, you know, my husband and I, we were talking a little bit about the erotic blueprints, we’re completely opposite on that spectrum. He is sensual and sexual, or sexual first, the sensual, and I’m kinky and energetic. I speak very different language, turn-on-wise than he does, and he had no idea. So, some people could look at that and go, or we could look at it and go “We’re sexually incompatible, this is never going to work, we’re never going to be able to please each other”. Or we can choose to look at it as the ceilings are really high and I want to please you, I want to show up. And then, another piece is “I want to be devoted to you and your happiness and your pleasure. So, how do I show up if I am devoted to my pleasure and yours?” It’s not like it’s tit-for-tat and I’m building credit, you know, so to speak, and “Well, I did this for you last Tuesday, so why don’t you do this for me this Friday?”, unless it’s a playful negotiation, but it’s also not holding it against each other.

I was just talking about this because I have some friends that, like, this dynamic is playing out and it’s a little bit, it’s relevant, is that if I withhold my love from him, we both lose. If he’s not doing the thing that I really wish that he would do, and I’m also not being communicative of it, and I stop touching him, like, even just like throughout my day, and I start withholding the love that I know he wants to get and in the way that he wants to get it, we’re both losing and it’s going to create resentment, and it’s just brushing shit under the rug until we have a giant pile underneath the rug and we just can’t even move around it.

[29:02] Sahara

Yeah, I love what you said about it’s not just about “Oh, we’re incompatible, we have different erotic blueprints, like, bye”, but when you love someone and you guys are honest and devoted and have a great communication, it’s like you want to show up for that person, you want to – it’s like, no one’s going to be your clone, like, you’re never going to find that, and it’s such an expression of love.

And a lot of people’s blueprints shift over time too, you know. You know, you might think “Oh, I would never be into energetic or kink, or whatever, and from practicing it with your partner and, like, being in their turn-on, it might actually become your turn-on as well.

And I feel like, ultimately, we’re all, kind of, shape-shifters deep down inside because we’re able to play in all of them.

So, you’ve brought some fabulous toys and I want to start with the crystal wand because I feel like that is very healing, and I’d love for you to share, like, the different crystals and how they’re related to different types of healing. But even before the crystal wand, would you recommend getting started with the jade egg, what are your thoughts on getting started on this journey?

[30:04] Alexa

It’s really personal and it’s kind of, like, the crystal chooses (the wand chooses) the wizard or whatever.

[30:11] Sahara

Yeah, it’s like the Hogwarts of sex toys.

[30:13] Alexa

Right. When you go into a crystal shop or something, it’s like “What decks want to come home with me?”

[30:19] Sahara

My yoni likes the obsidian.

[30:20] Alexa

Right, right! It’s like “Wow, we’re down for some shadow work stuff”, you know, it’s actual shadow work. And it’s really what calling to you.

So, there’s a practice with yoni eggs, which I almost brought, I have like five of them at home that are all different stones. So, these are, what I would say, more spiritual or more personal practices.

So, my crystals, that I have, that I actually work with and use, are typically things that I use in my own self-pleasure practice, and self-love practice. And I’m not saying that I do this every week, or certainly not every day. Occasionally I’ll go through a period of time where I’m doing a self-pleasure practice and I’m working with my crystals maybe once a week, for a stretch of time, and then I leave them for a little while, and I go back to them. And so, it’s kind of like a lot of other practices that I have.

So, when it comes to the jade eggs or – the three common stones are the jade, rose quartz and obsidian, those are the three most common. They’re also particularly good for this practice because they have, they’re not very pores, so they can’t harbor bacteria, they’re less likely to create infection, that kind of thing. And a couple things that I want to note on those practices, that I think some people kind of brush over and they just go “Oh, I want an egg”, and they run it under some hot water and they stick it in and they’re just like “Oh, I’ll just wear it till it falls out”. If you wear it until it falls out, you’ve exhausted your muscles and your yoni is tired, your pussy is tired, and that’s not – kind of like, if you continue doing a curl until your arm gives out, we don’t want to do that to her, we don’t want to do that to the rest of your body. But the way that you feel down there is different to how you would feel a muscle exhaust, like your biceps or your quads, your back muscles.

So, ideally, you’d only leave a yoni egg in, for the duration of a practice. So, if you do a 15-minute meditation, or a 30-minute, or an hour-long meditation, and then you take it out.

[32:24] Sahara

Just 15 or 30 minutes?

[32:26] Alexa

Or an hour. Don’t sleep with it. I would say don’t sleep with it in because even though you’re resting, your muscles are still holding that in place. So, my encouragement would be to have a practice that goes along with it. So, let’s say you choose a rose quartz, and that’s connected to your heart. And so, you have your heart with the rose quartz and your yoni, so, of course, I’ll trade back and forth pussy, yoni, vagina, flower, whatever you want to call it, right, whatever sounds good to you. So, you place that inside of your vaginal canal, now, the egg has one, the top of it is a little more narrow because it’s like an egg, so you flip it around where the large side is inserted first, and then the small side is towards the outside. Some of them are drilled, where they have, like, floss, you know, coated floss.

[33:15] Sahara

Which I highly recommend! 

[33:17] Alexa

Yeah, to pull it out, much easier!

[33:18] Sahara

Yeah.

[33:19] Alexa

So, kind of like a tampon string. So, you place that in, and let’s say you have an incredible meditation that Sahara has put out to the world.

[33:26] Sahara

I have a meditation that I share at the end of this Episode.

[33:29] Alexa

There you go! So, you have a meditation! You put your crystal in, close your eyes, deep breath, you pulse and you relax, if that’s what you want to do in your practice, you listen to that meditation, you have the experience, you go take it out, you go about your day. That’s how I would recommend starting to work with things like the jade egg.

[33:46] Sahara

Do you think the yoni needs to be, like, turned on, to like, suck it in, because otherwise if you, like, stick it in, it’s like a trauma on the yoni? This is something I’ve heard. 

[33:56] Alexa

I don’t work with them enough to have an opinion on that, but I would say use lube and run it under warm water first, so that it’s not quite a shock to the system, because they’re cold. And that’s my pro-tip for any of the elements. So, if you’re working with, you know, toys that are made of metal or steel, if you’re working with glass or you’re working with crystal, wands are a little bit different, though I don’t know, you can run those under warm water too, but I would run it under warm water so it feels closer to body temperature. I would even run it closer to hot water and then leave it on your heart for a little while, like, lay it on your heart or hold it on your chest and breathe with it for a little while. And so, I would tell my body, I would encourage people to tell your body you’re going to do something to it before you do it. And then, some people, it might not bother them, you know, they just, they pop it in, they have their practice and they pop it out and they go about, everybody’s body is different.

[34:53] Sahara

Yeah, I mean, I’ve heard so many different practices from different people so it’s like, it’s so interesting because some people say sleep with it overnight, and then some people say only do it for practice, and some people say, yeah, like, go work out with it, so I’m like “I don’t know”. Some people do vaginal weightlifting.              

[35:11] Alexa

Right, like Kimanami, right? And so, I’m not trying to life my surfboard, I don’t have a surfboard, I will never have a surfboard, I’m from Louisiana, we don’t need it. So, I won’t be lifting my surfboard, or weights, or cinder block, with my vagina muscles, but I want to have great orgasms and I want to be able to, you know, have a certain kind of experience in sex, and I want to be connected with her, so, meaning my genitals, I want to stay connected. So, I really look at it as a practice to stay connected.

[35:42] Sahara

Yes, and I feel, when I use it, like, even for a few days, I feel so much more connected to my yoni after. However, for some women, the problem, especially when you work out a lot, you’re more, like, muscular, could be too tight. That’s why I’m like “This isn’t really the practice for me because that’s not what I need, to be more tight”, you know. So, it’s interesting because we think, like, jade egg is for everyone, but for some of us, we need to more learn to soften and yeah.

[36:08] Alexa

Soften and loosen, yeah. So, for you, even, I would talk, I would work with like an elixir (yoni elixir) and massage, I would massage and breathe. And so, massage the perineum, which is the space between your vaginal opening and your anus, I would massage that, I would massage all around the vaginal opening, all around the inner and outer labia, I would encourage that practice, where you’re inserting, kind of, just like, kind of mapping, where you’re just like placing pressure on various parts of the vagina, and relaxing. And some people have pain, you know, it’s tight, or there’s pain, or there’s trauma, or there’s fear, and so they kind of bear down. And it hurts to even put a pinky or a tampon inside of their vagina. And so, using dilators or using, like, smaller items, to kind of, like, get used to, that’s a thing too – granted if you’re working with the eggs, the smaller the egg, the tighter you’re going to work the muscle. So, the larger the egg is, it’s a bit looser, from what I understand, that you work from the larger egg to the smaller egg, so that, if your vaginal muscles can hold the small egg, then they’re able to be really tight.

[37:19] Sahara

So interesting! So, let’s move into the crystal wand. How and when do you recommend introducing that? 

[37:25] Alexa

This one is from Chakrubs, but I have some items with me too, which are from Yoni Pleasure Palace, which are amazing, I love all of their products!

Like I was telling you before we started, I was like “I know a little to a medium size amount about a lot of things”. And when it comes to toys, I would say I know a decent amount about toys, when to use them and how to use them, and all of that. But I’m sure that there’s people that are out there that you could look up if you want like a really in-depth practice and that kind of thing when it comes to, especially, the crystals.

But for me, it’s, again, a solo pleasure thing. I use, now, I’ll just describe what I have used some of my crystals for, again, run it under warm water so that it’s room temperature or body temperature, rather, at least. Start the practice, I might be laying down, I’ll take the larger ends of the, you know, the wand, and I’ll actually, kind of, massage my body, sometimes, with it. Maybe I’ll put it next to my neck, maybe I’ll hold it on my heart for a little while, I might roll it, I just, kind of, let my body get acclimated to it. And, you know, of course, I want to tune into the frequency of the crystal, the properties of the crystal, share with my body, share with the universe what I’m open to, what I’d like to do in that experience. And then, sometimes, I’ll use either side of the crystal and massage, again, inner and outer labia, the groin muscle, and it’s really just a practice for me to be, again, sweet with myself. And occasionally, when it comes to massaging, just like I was saying, with your fingers, which is a little bit different because you can kind of stretch the muscles out, but for here, some people use these for things like yoni de-armoring, where they’re putting pressure on certain points inside of the vagina, and then, you know, for some of these crystals, they’re specifically shaped to massage the cervix and that area as well. So, it’s really, again, another self-pleasure tool.

I don’t really pull these kinds of things out when I’m playing with my husband, this is like, I’ve got my sacred implements, my sacred items, and then I have the ones that are more fun to leverage with him. So, occasionally I will pick up one of the glass toys and he’ll watch me. So, it’s like, he’s like “I want to see how you treat yourself. I want to see where do you touch yourself first”.

[39:41] Sahara 

And the glass toy is a curved G-spot one?

[39:45] Alexa

This one, cervix serpent, this one is from the Yoni Pleasure Palace. So, this one is meant to, because it’s really long, so it can reach, you know, into your cervix, which, for some people, their vaginal canal is not really all that long anyway. This is just, when I look at it, I’m like…

[39:59] Sahara

So, which side are you putting in?

[40:01] Alexa

I mean, you can put in either side, it’s glass. It’s another one that I would run under warm water, but this side, and it has the ridges here. So, if you want to pause where the G-spot is, or as people are starting to call it now, the clitoral-urethral-vaginal complex.

[40:15] Sahara

It’s a really easy word!

[40:17] Alexa

CUV.

[40:19] Sahara

Yeah.

[40:19] Alexa

CUV. Because G is Gravenberg, which is an old man.

[40:23] Sahara

Oh yeah, naming our yoni parts after old men, we think they’ve discovered them.

[40:27] Alexa

Right. Well, it’s an area of the vagina where a lot of nerve endings and things cross.

[40:33] Sahara

It’s basically the other side of your clitoris, right?

[40:36] Alexa

Yeah, the underside, but it’s like, kind of the curvature of the clitoris, but then also your urethra is passing right there, and it’s a vaginal sponge tissue. So, there’s just lots of sensation, out of all of the area of your vagina, that’s an area that has more nerve endings than some of the other area of the vagina.

[40:54] Sahara

I’ve heard of – there’s like three feminine archetypes and the clitoris is maiden, so, it’s like your fun little, playful, first orgasm, first rodeo out on town. Then your G-spot is your wild woman, and that’s like wet, wild, gushy, all the feels, you know, just in her Shakthi. And then your cervix is the crone, and that’s like deep, introspective, visual, but, like, takes time to get there.

[41:23] Alexa

Yeah. I don’t like prioritizing them necessarily, but using them as archetypes in that way is, that I would say, for that too, I mean, I found clitoral orgasm by 4-5 years old, which, you know, some people are like “What? How?”

[41:38] Sahara

Oh, most children are experimenting with their bodies at that age.

[41:40] Alexa

Oh yeah, for sure. So, that’s your cervix serpent. But I could take time, and like you said, it takes time to get there and it will be practice in order to figure out when you’re even having that sensation and when it feels good because if you, I mean, if anyone has had penetration happen too soon, or like a penis and penetration hit the cervix too soon, it’s painful, can be painful. But if you’ve been really, properly, warmed up, tended to, there’s a lot of blood flow which – if there’s a lot of blood to that area, which is why a lot of people like spanking, it’s because it encourages blood flow to the entire base of the body. So, if you want to switch at some point into, like, BDSM questions, I’ve got you, but if you’ve got a lot of blood flow there, in, just the general, pubic region, and it’s very wet and it’s very juicy, and you’ve actually had something – the vagina does something called tenting, where it actually elongates and the cervix shifts its position. So, until you’ve had that process, which takes, roughly, on average, about 20 minutes, of a lot of stimulation in some kind of way, it doesn’t have to be direct touch stimulation, it could be mental stimulation, energetic stimulation, that’s when, you know, you have access, to being able to stimulate the cervix.

[43:01] Sahara

Yeah. Even for me, it’s like, a cervical orgasm is like a few orgasms in, it’s never my first, it’s like the third or fourth. 

[43:08] Alexa

Yeah. I have a friend of mine, he’s dubbed himself a sex hacker, Kenneth Play, and I loved having him on my show, and he just goes “Oh, you need to give her at least one orgasm before you ever think about penetrating her”, and I was like…

[43:24] Sahara

It’s true.

[43:26] Alexa

Did anyone hear that? Can someone give him a megaphone!? I know he’s got a microphone, you know, to record a podcast, but can someone…where can we put this in more places, you know! 

[43:35] Sahara

Totally, because we don’t realize – I mean, men and women, all, non-binary people, we’re all multi-orgasmic, right? But I think as women, especially, we can really access those realms because you can have breast orgasms, clitoral orgasms, different types of clitoral orgasms, G-spot, etc., and go back to them and deepen into them. But I think, often, I mean, such a huge percentage of women are just not even experiencing orgasms through sex, just to begin with, because the men, you know, are following what porn does and it’s not even what women want, and the lack of communication, and then women faking orgasms, and just, like, not exploring, but when you’re able to go there and know your body, it’s like, every single one has a lesson for you, and a softening.

And for me, like, my cervical orgasms, it’s like I see visions, I see, like, hieroglyphics, I get, like, downloads. I got this download once that, like, the real reason that the pyramids are there is because the women would be directly under the tip of the pyramid, in this, like, aligned sphynx position and her chakras are, like, completely in alignment with the top of it, and she would transmute her sexual energy that would go through the top of the pyramid into the Sirius galaxy, and like, all these downloads.   

[44:46] Alexa

Yeah. It was that good, good!

[44:48] Sahara

Yeah!

[44:49] Alexa

Or it’s terrifying. You know, some people almost avoid orgasm because they’re afraid of them.

[44:54] Sahara

Oh, I’m like, give me all! 

[44:55] Alexa

Oh, I know. I have a friend that is so sensitive to sensation and afraid that she’ll blast off, you know, because even being around people that are on substances or whatever, she’s like “I’m so sensitive”, I’m like “Are you self-pleasuring?”, she’s like “I can’t remember the last time I did because I’m so afraid of blasting off”.

[45:13] Sahara

But that’s the beauty of sex, because you’re so in your body too, that you’re not going to blast, it’s not like taking much of LSD, you know, it’s like, you’re so in your body.

It’s like, every time I have an orgasm, in general, I’m like “Oh, this is why I’m alive”.

[45:27] Alexa

Yes, yes.

[45:28] Sahara

Like, this is who I am.

[45:30] Alexa

Yeah.

[45:31] Sahara

And it’s like, and then I’m like “How am I not doing this all the time?”

[45:34] Alexa

All the time! Because we’d get nothing down.

[45:36] Sahara

Yeah.

[45:37] Alexa

Or we’d low-key create everything.

[45:38] Sahara

Or why did I ever, like, postpone this? Or, like, think of it as like “Oh, my god, it’s a chore, I don’t have time”, like, then once I had it, I’m like “What? This needs to be every day, all the time!”

[45:48] Alexa

Yeah, yeah.

[45:50] Sahara

But it’s like, it’s just like in life, the things that are good for us, we don’t do. And like, so healing, heals your hormones, it opens your heart and it’s so beautiful. And that’s why I’ve been, you know, so interested in sex, as a path of, like, spirituality, because I really see them as one of the same.

[46:06] Alexa

Yeah, I’ve learned more about myself. I’ve got a little bucket. Travel has taught me a lot. I lived and worked on cruise ships for almost 6 years and traveled extensively, and that taught me a lot, beyond, like, small town Louisiana. Sex and psychedelics, those have been, like, the most profound experiences. And of course, I guess I would couple my relationship underneath the sex component as well, or love. That’s another fussy one too.

[46:36] Sahara

A good spanky spank!

[46:38] Alexa

Yeah, absolutely. But sex can tell you so much! I mean, think about it, how you show up in sex, how else is that showing up in you, in your life. And this is kind of paraphrasing Dan Savage, who is quite a character, if anyone wants to look him up, but it’s “If you ask your partner to pee on you, what can you ask your boss for?” 

[46:58] Sahara

Wow! But it’s like, how you have sex is how you live, and it’s like, are you someone that rushes, are you someone that tries to get to the end, are you someone that disassociates and isn’t really present, are you someone that’s performing for the other person, people-pleasing for the other person? There’s no way that’s not showing up in other areas of your life. And when you look at that and you even change that through sex of like, going slower, being more in your body, letting go of any goal, it’s naturally going to show up in everything else that you do.

[47:25] Alexa

Absolutely!

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[49:13] Sahara

So, take us to the next toy, where are we going next? 

[49:16] Alexa

Oh, where do you want to go? Do you want to go things that buzz or do you want to go to things that…?

[49:22] Sahara

Let’s finish up the non-buzzing and then we can go into the buzz.

[49:25] Alexa

Okay, great. So, the other things that I have here, that are non-buzzing, let’s go into – this one is a metal toy called an In-Joy, it’s made of stainless steel, it’s very heavy, if you want to give it a life.

[49:38] Sahara

I mean, I don’t want to touch your sacred toy.

[49:39] Alexa

Oh no, this is not a sacred, this is a piece of metal, we’re done with the – only the rose quartz…

[49:45] Sahara

This is very heavy. This is for – what is it for?

[49:48] Alexa

So, this is…

[49:49] Sahara

It’s kind of like a Mulla Bead.

[49:51] Alexa

Kind of.

[49:52] Sahara

It’s very cold too.

[49:53] Alexa

Yeah, and it’s so heavy that I always think of like – have you ever played the game Clue?

[49:58] Sahara

Yeah.

[49:59] Alexa

So, when people, and I’ve done this – I don’t know if you’ve ever…

[50:01] Sahara

Yeah, had the weapon.

[50:02] Alexa

Right, the weapon, where I’m so colonel Mustard died in a library with an In-Joy! When someone, like, chooses your murder weapon, I’m like “An In-Joy”.

So, it has a nice density and a weight to it, it’s meant as a G-spot massager and it’s also a toy, it’s a fan favorite for gushing, squirting orgasms as well. So, for those people that might be interested in that play, because you can kind of rock it with its weight. It pushes, kind of, massages, rhythmically, so…

[50:35] Sahara

And this is also both sides?

[50:37] Alexa

Yeah, you can use both sides, but if the larger side is inside of the vagina and kind of nuzzled up to the G-spot, then you can kind of, just, rock it from the outside. And if you rock it just right, another thing that I know from Kenneth Play, because you can probably Google his name and this toy, and watch him do it to someone, he is definitely doing the aspect of sex education that I will not do, which is, like, actually working with actual naked people, I call it kind of like sex ed porn. But you can also use the other side too.

This was originally a male anal toy, when it was originally going on, kind of, out on the market, but it’s been a fan favorite for many other uses, and G-spot as well.

You said it was cold, so, that’s another thing. If you have a blindfold on, and I lay this, and you’re faced down, and I lay this on your back, and the room is nice and toasty, and I lay this on your back, it’s “Ohh”, it’s, you know “Ohh, that’s cold”, and it’s like “I’m just doing to let that warm up right there, before I use it on you”, and you won’t – if you’re blindfolded…

[51:45] Sahara

I’ll never see it coming.

[51:46] Alexa

You know, like, it’s just a way to tease a little bit. So, you can use something like this for temperature play as well (again, run it under water).

The other thing that I have here, speaking of the behind, is a prostate massager, which was originally a medical tool that someone who was having to go to the doctor to get his prostate milked because he was getting to his time in life where his prostate was enlarging and he was having a hard time urinating, realize, by going to the doctor, was a little bit humiliating because you have to have a doctor in order to access the prostate, to put a finger in the butt and push on this gland. And so, he was like “I want to figure out a way to be able to do this and worry about having to go to the doctor”, it, simultaneously, felt good. So, made this tool so that men could milk their own prostate and be able to, like, process net fluid.

[52:39] Sahara

I’ve never heard this phrase ‘milk the prostate’.

[52:41] Alexa

Yeah, like, encourage the fluid to be removed so it doesn’t engorge and doesn’t get inflamed. So, a prostate massager has a loop for your finger, it has a piece that goes in and pushes on the prostate from the inside, and a little knob that, kind of, rubs the prostate, externally. And so, with stimulation, and then, also, let’s say you stroke the shaft of the penis and get that to come to orgasm, while you’re also putting some pressure on the prostate, it can lead to even bigger orgasms, or even bigger, let’s just say, ejaculations.

[53:14] Sahara

And this is just for men? 

[53:15] Alexa

I mean, you could stick that somewhere, if you want to, but this is shaped for a male use. So, I didn’t want to just bring all of the…

[53:22] Sahara

Yeah, men deserve some play too.

[53:25] Alexa

Right. Well, a lot of men are, they’re missing out on a lot of pleasure and sensation because of shame.

[53:31] Sahara

Yes, yes.

[53:32] Alexa

You know, it’s, if I like any kind of stimulation around my anus, then I must be gay, is like the main thing that I hear. Or, I don’t know, “I’m not into butt stuff!” And that was definitely my husband until we got a bunch of these prostate massagers sent to our house because we’re connected to the brand DeNeros, and I left him alone one day and he was like “I tried one of those things”, I was like “Oh, you did?!”, he’s like “It’s really good!”, I’m like “Great!”. And so, we’re working on creating environments where he might feel safe, because that’s so vulnerable, and I’m like “Now you know what it’s like to be penetrated”, right?

So anyway, that’s – I didn’t want to only bring stuff for female body parts.

[54:13] Sahara

Yeah, I think it’s, you know, kind of, interesting how, in the Bible they’re like “Man cannot sleep with other man”, but it’s like, God designed the male G-spot in his butt, it’s like, and that doesn’t make you gay, that’s just like how your body is designed, but there’s so much shame around that. 

[54:32] Alexa

Yeah, absolutely! And so, that’s, you know, a part of my work is to, like, make this normal. You know, I pulled out the prostate massager and I just spoke to you like I’m talking about the weather, you know, and that’s what I want you know. It is what it is, it’s a tool, you can leverage it. You can either turn it into something to vilify, be upset about and just have shame about and all that, or you can just look at it and be like “Cool. Maybe I’m into it, and maybe I’m not”, you know. And some people will buy some of these things, and they’ll leave them on a shelf inside of a closet for, like, a long time, and that’s okay, they serve a purpose, you know that they’re there. Eventually, you might pull them out of that closet and say “Let’s see what this is about”.  

I can tell you, anyone who wants to buy any kind of toy, which is – what is a toy? It’s a thing you play with, right? And so, you have to have, you have to cultivate a little bit of that childlike innocence to go “What do we do with this thing? What else can we do with this thing?” Curiosity, not “I’m going to wield this thing and be automatically good at wielding it”, like “I don’t know”, right?

And so, you have to leave some space for “Well, we’ve got to figure this out first, and let’s see what happens”. And I can tell you, the In-Joy, we’re still figuring that one out. I love it on my own, but when it comes to my partner and I working with it, we’re, like, still figuring it out, and I’m like “Oh, we’re not quite there yet”, and it’s both of our job to make sure that we don’t take it personally. I don’t get upset with him because he still doesn’t understand and he doesn’t feel overly criticized by me leading him not to try anymore. 

[56:06] Sahara

That is so imperative, of like, keep trying and not making each other wrong, not feeling left out, not being like “Well, you know what you’re doing with the toy, so you don’t need me”, and just, like “Let’s figure out a way to use this together”.

[56:18] Alexa

Yeah. And this is not in place, this is not a competition, this is support. You are both the stars of the show, let’s not get it twisted, these things just add some flavor. And beyond the toys, your best resource is your mind and your hands. Your mind and your hands can lead you to all kinds of interesting places that, I guarantee, you’ve never been before. And these things are just cool things to add into the mix sometimes.

[56:46] Sahara

And then, what we have left are these two vibrators here. 

[56:50] Alexa

Yeah, we’ve got a few. There’s one by YouTwos, the OG magic wand which you – the OG Magic Wand, if anyone remembers Sex and the City when Samantha goes to The Sharper Image and she’s like “Excuse me sir, for the worker, I don’t know if you’ve seen this, and he goes “Yes”, and she goes “My vibrator isn’t working”, and he goes “Mam, that’s a back massager”, she does “Whatever”, you know, it’s like one of those, like, old-school, it looks like a back massager, but… 

But when I was a kid, those had the cord and my mom had one on the bedside table, in her, like, bedside draw, and I thought it was a back massager, that I just got clued in on, that also felt good if you put it down there (I don’t know if she knows that, but…)

So, I have two vibrators One is an internal vibrator with external stimulation, and the one is, kind of, localized pinpoint. So, there’s all kinds of different vibrators now. 

And what I would say when it comes to choosing a vibrator – you’ve got to decide what kind of surface area you want to work with. That’s one of my main things – do you want really localized sensation to, like, one little area that you know is your spot? Or are you one of those kinds of people that – think about when you use your hand, does your finger go to the one little spot and then you have a specific kind of friction that you put in order to send you over the edge? Or are you one of those kinds of people that like to use your whole hand and cup over all of your genitals and put pressure in that way?

And so, if you like total coverage where everything is being moved and stimulated, then use something with a larger surface area like a magic wand, and if you go right to that one little specific spot, then you can do something like a Zoomeo, which has the little tiny tip on the end and it will go right into that one tiny little spot. 

I will say, you know, if you want to add some various elements to the mix, and let’s say it gets a little kinky, and you’re blindfolded, and a part of what you’ve agreed upon or that you’re into, is forced orgasms, then you use something that’s really intense, it has a very localized sensation and vibration, and it’s “I’m going to play, I’m going to figure out where your spot is”, because usually, people have a concentrated little area, like, there’s some concentrated area of nerve endings that, like, once that is hit, it’s like toes curl, everything starts vibrating, you know, the kind of, outer body experience. But I’ve seen people use the Zoomeo or use, this is a Jimmy-Jane, on that little localized spot where they, like, kind of, go there and then back off, go there and back off and edge; or they go there and they don’t move it until they’re, like, essentially forced over into an orgasm, which is really intense. And some people love being played with that way. 

This is a clandestine, you take it into the bath tub…

[59:43] Sahara

It looks like a little stingray.

[59:45] Alexa

Stingray, yeah. It’s large surface area and you take that one in the tub with you.

[59:50] Sahara

That’s called a what?

[59:51] Alexa

Clandestine. 

[59:53] Sahara

Clandestine. 

[59:53] Alexa

Yeah. And so, really, there’s all kinds of things that you can try. And I would say, how do you know what to do, what are you interested in? Ask yourself that question and first and foremost, get something that you can get comfortable with on your own, give it a whirl, and then, potentially, bring it into the relationship.

Though, there are some toys that are meant for partner use, and there are some toys that, like, it’s kind of hard to flog yourself, that you need a partner for.

[1:00:21] Sahara

Yes! So, what is your perspective, I’ve heard this in the tantra space, that if you’re using vibrating toys, you’re, like, desensitizing yourself?

[1:00:30] Alexa

Yeah, I just had a really in-depth conversation with a doctor who teaches at, I believe, the University of Florida, her name is Lori Mense, but I just had a big conversation with her, asking her about – she specializes in research and studying orgasm gap, and she’s been involved in research about the nerves, and about vibrators, and about all, like, if you name it and it has to do with orgasm and pleasure, like, she studied it, so, I was really, kind of, fan-girling at her in my conversation with her. But she, like, blankly just said “There’s no such thing as desensitizing”, and I go “Oh”, well, that depends on what they mean when they say ‘desensitizing’, what do you mean that when you say that, that you don’t feel anymore? That over length of time you won’t be able to feel, how long is that length of time? 

And I think if you’re rubbing on an area and there’s no lube in between, you know, let’s say, if I were to sit here and rub my hands, and I rub it, rub it, rub it, dry fingers on dry skin, and I just keep going, at some point my hand is going to get red, and at some point, my skin is going to get a little itchy and a little irritated. And so, there’s something putting friction on a very sensitive area of the body. So, if you don’t put lube there or you place a vibrator for an extended period of time, on that area, it’ll start to get tingly, it’ll start to get, kind of, potentially, itchy and it might have the sensation of, kind of, numbness, but it goes away. It goes away, everything is restored.

So, if that’s the question of desensitization, then, I don’t know if that’s really what’s actually happening there. If the question is “Now I’m desensitized to other things or I’m now only able to have an orgasm…”

[1:02:26] Sahara

Yeah, that’s what – like, what I hear from some friends is like “I can only have an orgasm with the vibrator, or even sex with a vibrator”.

[1:02:36] Alexa

Yeah, and so, you know what, some people have a habit, and so, they’re wired for pleasure the way that they’ve shown themselves that they achieve pleasure is through this thing. You know, if I were working with them, then I would say “We’re going to put the vibrator away for a little while”, if they want to work this. If they don’t and they’re okay with this, then you have your orgasmic life with your vibrator. 

If you want to expand where you have your orgasms with your vibrator, and other ways, through other means, then let’s put the vibrator away for a little while and give yourself some new, let’s say, neuropathways to pleasure. So, it’ll be a practice. You practiced in order to figure out how to make that vibrator work in that way. You figured that out and then you kept doing it, so, let’s figure something else out.

[1:03:27] Sahara

I’m curious, how much of, like, the way that you orgasm is based off of, like, how you’re naturally born. Like, some people are naturally of this, like, cups, some people are more pinpointed vs like, however you just started touching yourself for the first time, built that neuropathway. Because I’ve heard, most people end up self-pleasuring however they just first did it and that created the neuropathway, but I wonder if that was like how they’re biologically created or that’s just what happened to – they just saw the vibrator thing and it just happened to be?

[1:03:59] Alexa

Yeah. There’s a really amazing book called “Vagina, A New Biography”, by a lady named Naomi Wolf. And in her book, she talks about research in the nerves that go from the brain, down the spine and then they, kind of, like a root system, go into the root, and there’s nerves that go towards the vagina and the vaginal canal, and goes towards the clitoris, and then there’s ones that go towards the perineum, and there’s ones that go towards the anus, because you have a lot of nerve endings in the anus because you need to know when something’s going in or out, of that space. So, there’s a lot of nerve endings there, which is why a lot of people like some sort of anal play. 

But that, what she described in the book is that these nerve endings are like a fingerprint, they’re unique in every body. And so, where my “spot” is, that, like, gets me over the edge, might be in a totally different location than yours. But there’s a percentage of people studied that has this spot be in this particular quadrant or this particular area. But there’s some people that, if they stimulate where their perineum is, that sends them into orgasm, you know.

And when it comes to, even the clitoris, because there’s also some – in my space, I watch people kind of debate on it so much, you know. I’m just taking the newest information and running it through what seems and feels really real, and talking to people and going “This is what I’m going to go with today”, because what I was talking about on podcasts, several years ago, probably different to what I’m maybe even sharing with you, but there’s this idea that there’s all these different types of orgasms. But then, there’s some people that will argue that all clitoral orgasms, but you’re stimulating the clitoris from these different places. 

So, even if it’s a nipple, let’s say a nipple or breast orgasm, and it’s like, the breasts are being tended to, and they’re being touched, and they’re being stimulated, but where is the orgasm building from? That pressure is still happening in the clitoral area. And a lot of times it’s coupled with some tension, like their thighs, their thighs are tense, or there’s some kind of pressure (internal), or you’re burying down, down there. And then, with every breath and every, like, move across the breasts, and every pinch of the nipple, and every, like, mouth suck and whatever, there’s that every breath in and then breath out that you’re pulsing your pelvic floor and putting pressure from the inside, to your clitoris, to then lead you to an orgasm. Or that the G-spot is an orgasm, but you’re putting pressure from the back part of the clitoris, and chances are, a lot of people who are stimulated internally, in the G-spot, they’re also being pressed onto, like, the outer part is being massaged or pressed onto. And same with on, and on…

[1:06:47] Sahara

Even the cervix?

[1:06:48] Alexa

And even the cervix. There’s some like, depending on the G-spot, and depending on the cervix, what I have discovered, just in my own experiences, and, like, hearing from other people, is that it’s an orgasm, it almost is like beyond what I can find language for. It feels like it’s beyond explanation. The clitoris is certainly stimulated, but when you get to, like, the right amount of time and the right amount of blood flow, and all of that, and you’re putting pressure there, where you’re sent, in the way that you’re sent there, feels so unique.

And so, I think that’s why people will say “It’s a this type of orgasm” or “That type of orgasm”. And I think, really, what you’re even possibly doing, even, in the cervical stimulation is, there’s still being stimulation of the clitoris, but it’s completely – you’re doing it in a very different way.

[1:07:44] Sahara

God bless you, clitoris! You’re always there for us!

[1:07:46] Alexa

Right! 

[1:07:48] Sahara

Underneath it all, the wind beneath our wings!

[1:07:50] Alexa

Right, right! A surreal MBP!

[1:07:52] Sahara

Yes.

[1:07:53] Alexa

Yeah.

[1:07:54] Sahara

Yeah, I mean, I’ve heard that perspective as well. But I do think they still feel quite differently too, but, like, I guess the clitoris is what brings it all together. 

[1:08:05] Alexa

Yeah. And you know, it’s kind of, so what, it’s what experience do you want to have. So, I mean, I’ve had an orgasm on a plane taking off and my seat not even – like, nothing happening, just my seat is vibrating because you know, just sitting cross-legged in a seat, like “Oh my god, am I having an orgasm in front of all these people around me?” I just, like, closed my eyes and pretend like this isn’t happening.

[1:08:27] Sahara

I definitely have that from breathwork before.

[1:08:29] Alexa

Oh yeah.

[1:08:30] Sahara

Yeah.

[1:08:30] Alexa

Yeah. Well, I usually go into my deep dark memories and there’s usually someone over there, to the right, that’s, like, having a full-on orgasm, I’m like “When is my breathwork going to lead me there?”, you know.

[1:08:42] Sahara

Totally! So, a question, kind of, what you spoke about, how, like, when the clitoris is receiving sensation, it pulses and our body tenses, but a lot of what tantra speaks about is to soften and relax, but can we have an orgasm, like, in the sense that we experience orgasm, without any form of tensing? 

[1:09:04] Alexa

It’s all, again, a practice, it’s another practice. That’s a lot of work that I’m doing for myself and that I’m consistently working on clients with, because a lot of people learn to bare down. You know, for me, growing up and, like I mentioned, the, kind of, well, not kind of, the catholic upbringing, and I went to catholic school when I was a kid, and I found pleasure before I learned it was a sin. And then I learned it was a sin and then I panicked, I was like “How am I going to undo this, I’m already going to hell? This is happening, oh shit!” And then, I would, tether, as my hormones continued to adjust, as I became a pre-teen, and then eventually a teenager, and I would tether between “I don’t want to sin” and “I can’t help it, I’ve got to touch it, I’ve got to do something with it! Like, it’s just out of control! The edge of that mattress looks really great, the water faucet looked really great, the remote, the electric toothbrush”, and all is like, people think like guys want to fuck everything, both, everybody actually, we just say everybody. It’s kind of absurd, and it’s understandable, like, out sex hormones are through the roof.

And so, when I was learning about this, and really starting to piece it together, I learned to bare down, to be quiet, not to breathe, not to make sounds, to close my eyes, and that’s what was patterned. So, like, to kind of, go back to the patterns, you know, and how you go into self-pleasure or pleasure in general, and I brought that with me into relationships. And so, it has been an active practice for me too. In my head, have a check-list, open your eyes (if I want to open my eyes), breathe, slow down, like, take that localizes energy and ring it everywhere, you know. And sometimes, you know, it feels good to just leave it there, and sometimes it feels good to disperse it.

And so, I would say, for my husband and I, sometimes, we’re just like, we get some maintenance sex on the sched, where it’s like, we just need to get it done, I’m not so concerned with it, but we have a practice that’s at least every month, occasionally we get into a cadence every week, and it’s sex magic, and that’s all magic, every part of it is very slow and intentional, ritualistic, has a certain playlist, there’s certain elements that are to it, we set intentions and we know that that sexual experience is going to be long and we know it’s going to involve multiple orgasms. Chances are I’ll cry at some point of it, there’s just in and out, and it’s so beautiful, we create this little portal, vortex, kind of thing. And then, sometimes, we’re playing with something kind of kinky. And a lot of times the tantric exercises of, like, eye-gazing, and breathing together, and slowing down, we infuse that into some of the other things, you know.

If we’re going to try something new, we’re going to eye-gaze first, so we can connect, that way we can disperse the jitters of, like, we’re going to do something new. 

We eye-gaze and we remind each other that it’s okay if it’s a flop, we’re not going to hold it against each other, we’re not going to take it personally, to the best that we can. So, we try to set ourselves up for that success.

And then, a lot of times with the kinky play that we do, it’s very sensual, it’s all about creating sensations and holding a container and a space for the other person, to go on a ride.

[1:12:28] Sahara

So, what does that look like for you? Do you guys just say, you know “My desires in this experience are XYZ” or do you, kind of, just have your bag (mystery bag) and see what happens? Because it sounds like it’s a mix of sensual and kinky together.

[1:12:42] Alexa

Yeah, yeah. I mean, there’s little elements of kink that kind of weave its way through a lot of our lives now because I’ve introduced my husband to that, and there’s certainly elements of our lives that is very sensual, which is very important to him, and it’s become important to me because it’s important to him.

The one thing that we consistently work on, you know, and sometimes we’re better than others, is the energetic component. He’s getting much better at it. 

So, in practice, we are actively trying to conceive, so, that’ll be the first part. So, I’ll say, so, our intention, when I’m ovulating, is kind of obvious “We’d like for this to create a human, if it’s time”. And so, this part window, we actually had a hotel room in the city and we had that booked, and Jordan – so, the previous week, I led our experience, and then this time, that I’m referring to, he led the experience. So, we went to a hotel in the city, we brought color changing lightbulbs, where we changed the lamps in the room, so that we can make them red, we bring a speaker and we have a certain playlist that we like, and a lot of them, if you just type ‘tantric sex’, we love just whatever tantric playlist comes up, we like music that doesn’t have words and all that. We brought all kinds of sensual implements – so, the pinwheel. 

And so, if you’re watching this and seeing the video, you’ll see me holding a pinwheel up, a Wartenberg wheel, which looks kind of scary but it’s not all that scary, it just feels prickly. So, we brought, you know, a pinwheel.

[1:14:15] Sahara

Looks like a gynecological tool.

[1:14:17] Alexa

I hope it’s not a gynecological tool! It should look like a nerve tool, to check and see if you’ve got…

[1:14:22] Sahara

So, you put this on each other’s backs?

[1:14:24] Alexa

Sensitive areas – backs of arms, kind of the bend in your elbow, the backs of the thigs, the back of the knees, bottom of the foot, around the ankle, along the sides of neck, kind of in the nape of the neck as well. And so, we bring elements like that. Feathers, candle wax – we brought all kinds of different things with us. We started the night with a connection card deck, just to soften it up, so that we ask each other questions we’ve never asked before. And so, we started with that and changed the…

[1:14:57] Sahara

I love you guys, you’re so cute, I want to do this!

[1:15:00] Alexa

Oh my gosh, yes! And so, this kind of answers the question before, it’s like, how do you keep the passion in a long-term relationship? You’ve got to prioritize.

[1:15:07] Sahara

Yeah, like, booking a hotel room, bringing the feathers and the candle wax, and playing a card game, I’m like yes!

[1:15:12] Alexa

It was…

[1:15:13] Sahara

Manifesting this for my future relationship.

[1:15:15] Alexa

Yes, yes, yes! And then, eventually, Jordan said “Lay down”. We also bring our waterproof blanket everywhere we go, you know, because it’s just, it represents sex to us. Actually, it represents intimacy, you know. And so, he said “Lay dawn”, and I laid down and we had massage oil, and so, he started with just rubbing my whole body, you know, and my shoulders, I hold a lot of tension there. Work on my computer, and I don’t know if you know this part, but we both work for my business, and so, I’m his boss. In a lot of ways, I’m his boss, and so, that is, like, a power dynamic that we get to navigate. And I am actively working on how do I surrender? How do I surrender to myself? How do I surrender to pleasure in general? How do I surrender to my husband, who wants to please me? And if my dick’s out too, like, we’re not going anywhere, it’s not getting anywhere, we’re just like, just not going to happen, right? And so, I’ve got to, like, tuck it. But he started off with just giving me touch, and that’s always a great place to start because that’s very grounding, it gives him something to do, gives me something to just, like, chill the fuck out and just surrender. And then he led me through the experience. 

We had our card deck, we set intentions for our time together, we always do, and then, laid me down, rubbed me and then, eventually, once I felt nice and yummy, and that touch was good, then he started, like, kind of, stretching the touch to, like, around the curve of my back and my butt, and you know, just the way he started touching me, had a little bit more of the elements mixed in, so it wasn’t just this grounding earthy touch. Then it started to feel more fluid, so, kind of the element of water. So, just, you can play with the elements here too. Then, in fires, when he’s, kind of, like, working it a little bit, so, you can also, like, make some of your touches have a little bit more heat in them. And then, energetic, which I consider to be very airy, in this regard, then he started to bring in, which he knows, I, like, lose it over, he started to bring, like, very, almost not touching me touch, down my spine. And it’s just like fireworks every time. And his breath – and then he started bringing different elements, the feather, the pinwheel, and then you go back to touching, and then he would rub my hair a little bit, and he was whispering affirmations into my ear, telling me things that he believes in me and that he knows that I love…

[1:17:47] Sahara

You guys need to make a movie.

[1:17:49] Alexa

I know, I know, I know! We should learn how to make a porno! But yeah, then eventually, it led to, I was so turned on – even though I wasn’t, like, actively doing anything to turn myself on, I was open, every part of me was open.

[1:18:05] Sahara

And did you teach him all of these things or he just knew them? Oh okay, you taught him.

[1:18:08] Alexa

Yes.

[1:18:09] Sahara

I’m like, where do I find one of those?

[1:18:11] Alexa

I’ve taught him everything he knows, yes!

[1:18:13] Sahara

Yes, just got to send them to training school.

[1:18:15] Alexa

You know, he’s just watched me do it. He didn’t always work for me – we didn’t always work together, because I, very much, consider it a collaborative…

[1:18:24] Sahara

Yeah, most dudes aren’t teaching other these things. It’s, like, we have to initiate them.

[1:18:27] Alexa

He’s teaching it now, he’s like Yoda, “Yo-dudes, bros, listen…”

[1:18:34] Sahara

“Five-element massage, it’s where it’s at!”

[1:18:36] Alexa

“Listen…” But I think what’s really great for him is that, he’s like a frat guy, he looks, and feels, and is so “normal”. So, he’s not one of these Shivas in the gown, with the long hair and the pony-tail and the whatever, that is just so hard for regular guys to connect with, he’s like your best bro that wants to play games and crack inappropriate, politically incorrect jokes, and be like “I hear you, I see you, I feel you”. So, I love that for him, I love that, certainly for us! But I think he just watched me teach it enough and then started cluing in, and then, eventually, I got over being critical, because that was a thing. 

I had a mentor of mine, Omer Panni, he’s a Dom, he’s an enormous Indian man, just like, big in stature, very tall, and is like, kind of, awkward, and is very awesome, and he’s older. And one of our experiences, I went to a tantra, BDSM experience, it’s where tantra and BDSM merge together, and I was student, first round going to this, I’ve been through it now a couple of times, and I can’t remember what I asked, but it was something contrary type thing, it was something like, something that had to do with like him not showing up in the way that I wanted, something like that. And he basically told me “Cut the shit”, he, basically, like, very direct, and he was like “Be a cheerleader or don’t show up”, but he just like, really hit me, you know, where he was like “Cheer him on and make him win. Make him the winner, make him your winner”. And I was just hit with it, like “Oh, I am in our way right now”, you know, and if I don’t stop with my bullshit, he’s going to stop trying and then I’m going to be this, like, cactus, like, prickly, kind of, hard to surrender, hard to touch and get close to, and he’s just – what’s that going to create – a people-pleaser nice guy, that’s like “You know what, if you won’t let me do, then just tell me when I need to do so that…”

[1:20:48] Sahara

Which is such a turn-off.

[1:20:49] Alexa

And it is, but it’s my fault if he does that. And I say fault, we’re both at fault, so to speak, but we both have responsibility here. But that’s, certainly, like, in our world, men have been told “You have to listen”, “You have to do all these things”, and it has them, kind of, abandon their inner masculine that’s like “Hey, stop!”

And what I loved about Om, one time he had someone in the group that, kind of, was being bratty towards him a little bit, and, like, the questions she was asking, and when she asked one question, he went “Are you done yet?”, and then he goes – I mean, I can’t remember exactly what he said, but he goes “I have all the time, I have all day to work this out”, whatever you’ve got going on, just work it out, what else do you need to say in order to be like “I’ve got time”, which basically meant I will be present with you, like, whatever you’ve got to work out of your system and then we’ll begin. Let her kind of, like, finish and she, like, had her moment and then he goes “Are we good to continue?” I was like, that’s present, a lot of times in relationships. But, like, the guy that you love is not knowing what to do with it, you know. Om is a master at handling those kinds of things.

And I think, I love for more women’s, kind of, ‘a-ha’ bolt to go off in that, is like, when you are challenged by what’s the role you are playing in it, because to you, you think you’re doing all these things consciously; to you, you think you’re doing all these things and he’s just not meeting you, but there’s much more to this picture, you know, and there’s much more area where you can take responsibility. And it’s one thing to say “Okay, I take responsibility for this thing”, but what are you going to do about it, what really hard conversation are you going to have, that’s going to lead you both to deeper connection and deeper love? And a lot of these things start with conversations, which is, like, a lot of times very unsexy.

[1:22:49] Sahara

But you need to have those unsexy, real, honest, vulnerable conversations, to have this beautiful sexy, like, customized for you, you know, experiences.

And I think that – like, for me, as a feminine being, it’s like yes, I want a man who’s, like, not going to take my shit and is, like, going to lead and, you know, like, listen to me 100%, but not, like, give in to my drama. So, there’s, like, something really just, like, sexy about that energy, but of course, there’s just so much trauma in the feminine collective, of people being like that who are not in integrity and not in alignment, that I think, for a woman, it’s like, we have to have had our guards up because we cannot trust. And that’s the beauty of truly being in a conscious relationship where you can trust him to lead and that requires you to surrender, and that surrendering means it’s not always the exact experience you want either, you know. And sometimes that surrender is him taking you on his journey and you just get to be curious and see, and maybe it’s not how you would design it, but you’re also here for him as well.

And I think there’s so much beauty in making sex about both of you guys coming together, rather than “This one’s for me and that one’s for you”, kind of thing. 

[1:24:02] Alexa

Yeah, yeah. “Okay, I’m going to get mine, okay, flip over, okay, you’re going to get yours, you good, you good? Okay, let’s take a shower”.

[1:24:08] Sahara

Right!

[1:24:09] Alexa

You know. And sometimes, that’s cool.

[1:24:12] Sahara

Sometimes, yeah, but it’s like, I think many long-term relationships default to that because you know each other’s bodies so well, you know their parts, so you’re like “Okay, we’re done”, and it’s like, sex is not just to make each other come as fast as possible, it’s to connect.

[1:24:28] Alexa

Right, right, right, and so much more.

[1:24:31] Sahara

Yes.

[1:24:32] Alexa

And so much more. But have you ever had a really yummy, juicy sexual experience and you didn’t come?

[1:24:37] Sahara

For me? No. 

[1:24:38] Alexa

No?

[1:24:39] Sahara

Yeah, I’m…

[1:24:40] Alexa

Is it relatively easy?

[1:24:41] Sahara

Yeah.

[1:24:42] Alexa

Okay. So, I’ve had, just out of the plethora of sexual experiences, I would say, across my life, have there been ones where, maybe, it was so yummy, like, the orgasm was like, I would say the cherry on top. The experience itself was so good. 

And I know some women kind of wish that orgasm occasionally wasn’t even on the table, where it’s like “Can I just have my experience without the pressure to have an orgasm?” or “Actually, I’m really into this”, and as soon as it shifts to this goal-oriented, I’ve got to make you come, then it’s like…

[1:25:16] Sahara

No one can make you come.

[1:25:17] Alexa

Right.

[1:25:18] Sahara

Yeah.

[1:25:19] Alexa

And if – but can it be okay if I actually don’t want to?

[1:25:23] Sahara

Yeah.

[1:25:23] Alexa

And I just want to be with you in this thing, and I’m not going to get to an orgasm, but why are we prioritizing the success of this experience based on if I have an orgasm or not? Then, we’ve just taken it away from me having pleasure and towards you achieving a thing.

[1:25:41] Sahara

Yeah, opening up that orgasmic container. An analogy that I once learned from a tantric teacher is that, your orgasm is like filling up a cup and it’s like, okay, if you have a little teacup, you just put in a little bit of water and it’s very easy for it to tip over and you have the orgasm, it’s a little teacup orgasm. If you have a big cup, it’s a bigger one; if you have a gallon, it’s going to take a lot more time to fill that gallon up with water. So, that’s a lot of riding that orgasmic wave, edging, letting your body breathe, expanding into that orgasmic energy, taking breaks, pausing, filling up that cup, to have that full body orgasm that, you know, is so much beyond the genitals, but is like full body. But you can only get there if you’re like, you know, when you’re at the sink and you’re waiting, waiting, you’re getting impatient.

And I think for so many of us too, we’re so time-strapped in our society that we’re like “I don’t have time for 3-hour long sex”, and you know, to…

[1:26:38] Alexa                              

Right. I don’t have time for that every week either.

[1:26:42] Sahara

Right, and then, it makes sense, it doesn’t need to be an every week thing, but it’s like, if you have time to watch a movie once a month, like, you have time to have 3-hour long sex once a month or however often you want to do it. But we need to prioritize these, like, just like, going on journeys with people, and exploring, and being curious and seeing where it takes us, otherwise, I feel what happens is, you take sex for granted and you think it’s supposed to just somehow, magically, happen in your busy schedules, and it doesn’t and you grow apart in many ways.

[1:27:15] Alexa

Yeah. And that’s, you’re underscoring a really big deal, like a really big thing for people. So, Jordan and I schedule most of our sex. I want to be conscientious, it’s not just like “Okay, at this time we…”

[1:27:27] Sahara

Google Cal, please confirm two hours ahead.

[1:27:30] Alexa

Then we show up, then we get naked, then we have sex. This is a block of time that we’re both committed to not filling with something else, that we’re going to be intimate.

[1:27:38] Sahara

Yes.

[1:27:39] Alexa

And we don’t know, necessarily, sometimes we plan ahead of time, like, we knew we were going to a hotel, but it was the, before we were leaving to go to the hotel, is when we started choosing what we were going to do. So, it wasn’t like, it wasn’t so prescriptive, so to speak, though, if he thought going to a hotel equals sex, and I thought going to a hotel means we’re going to go out to a nice dinner, and we’re going to go to a show, and then I’m going to be full, and I’m going to be tired, and I don’t want to have sex after those two things. Then it’s people that are misaligned with their desires, so, even then, we need to talk about it.

So, every week, Jordan and I look at our calendars and go “Where are our intimacy opportunities?”, because we both have people in our worlds that want our attention, lots of people, like, want calls, and there’s clients, and there’s podcasts, and there’s just all these opportunities for us to stay busy and externally reacting to things. And so, it’s definitely a practice, again, that we continue to leave time open for each other, because it’s so important. And when we don’t do these check-ins, we call them a check-in, and we do them every Sunday, and I lead, because this leads us to connection, he leads, like, the business of our lives, those meetings, where we’re talking about, like, our finances and stuff like that, and I lead our connection. If the meeting is about our connection, the leader in love is going to lead it. And that’s just what works for us. And then I go “Okay, what are you curious about? What are you interested in?” And sometimes, like, based off of where I am at in my cycle, I’m actually, not super down for much, I kind of just want to be held and, you know, he’s happy to oblige and respond. And so, a part of our check-in is him taking look at the calendar as well, and looking at the app and seeing where I’m at in my cycle. And a lot of times he’s tracking, you know, because he’s tracked even before we were trying to conceive. And so, we, intentionally, have date nights, we, intentionally, do deep dives where we look at how are doing in our relationship, like, are we achieving what we want to achieve, are we experiencing what we want to experience? We’re, like, consistently evaluating so that we’re actually being intentional with our relationship, and then we make it a priority to, at least once a quarter, go on a trip. So, we’re getting ready to do it, we’re leaving tomorrow to go to San Diego, which, he’s got some family there, so we’ll wind up seeing them at some point in it, but it’s our quarterly love trip (we call it) where it’s a reset, we’re pressing the reset button. And what we’ve just discovered over time is that every time we go and do it, we feel like new people, and we get so wrapped in the doing, in our lives, in the busyness, in checking things off and then having the sex, that we forget that we’re really interested in each other.

[1:30:24] Sahara

Yeah, I feel like when you travel, it’s like you’re a new person, you’re in a new hotel room, you’re not so busy and you end up having the best sex.

[1:30:30] Alexa

Yeah, yeah.

[1:30:31] Sahara

So, it’s like bringing that into the home. But also, like, traveling – and I love how you guys have, like, making love a priority, making intimacy, making romance a priority, because, ultimately, that’s what we want and that’s often why people cheat or you know, breakup or whatever things, because they’re missing that, like, romance. It’s often easier in the first year of relationship, but it doesn’t only have to be in the first year of relationship. By doing these things, you can keep that spark and that sexiness and actually build it even more so because you know each other so well and you can be more playful, and more explorative, and dive deeper into each other. But both of you need to be communicative and make it a priority.

[1:31:07] Alexa

Yeah, for sure. And there’s a thing that winds up happening in long-term relationships, and that is, in the longer term, in the first couple, to a few years, it’s “Well, now I have assumptions. I’ve done this thing, it leads to you doing this thing, so that must be how you work”, and so, now I assume and I don’t leave you any space to unfold, to transform, to show me more of you, you know, and that can be very vulnerable from both parties. “I want to be with you so deeply that even at you’re 7, you’re 17, you’re 27, I’m still completely and totally enamored by how you continue to unfold for yourself and for me”. 

And so, some people just get into this assumption and they’re trapped there. And so, like, when people come in to various containers – with Jordan and I, we’re like “We’re just going to stop this assumption thing”, for everyone, just call it out, because, otherwise, you’re going to stay where you’re at, assuming on the other person, and then, they’re going to get self-critical or insecure and they’re not going to want to show you what’s possibly under there, because it then winds up not being safe.

So, there’s much more. If you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s kind of wild, you know, to get across the person, to go “You know what, I’m ready, I’m ready to learn even more about you, I’m ready to check the assumptions and the expectations and I want to learn more about you”, and that’s very vulnerable because you might be sitting across from someone that you’ve been in a relationship with for 10 years, and in one conversation, you’re going to go “Holy shit! How did you have all of that inside of you and I didn’t know”, or, you’re going to sit across from someone and they’re going to be so deeply moved by the fact that they don’t know what they want, and you’re going to see that they’re challenged by that, and that they don’t know the direction to do in. And that gives you an opportunity to hold them and say “You know what, let’s find out together”, and that’s just so sweet and vulnerable and you’re teammates, you know. And sex, like we were talking about, it’s leverage for so many things. And in that regard, it’s very healing.

[1:33:19] Sahara

Absolutely! I couldn’t have said it better myself! And I know now, being single again, I’m like, I feel like I’m a new person sexually, that I want to explore myself, and I’m like “Wow, I probably, always, have been, but because I was in a relationship, I just got stuck in whatever that pattern was”. So, it just shows we’re always changing sexually, right? But sometimes in the relationship, we just stick with however we entered into it, but being in open communication and, you know, just like we change our diet and our books that we’re reading, and all the things, like, we’re changing, sexually, all the time, inviting in these new edges and explorations, and never assuming anything about that person based on how they were.

So, I love that, I love all the tools that you shared! Thank you for sharing all of these fun toys with us! And where can people connect with you and learn from you even further?

[1:34:04] Alexa

Yeah, this was a big convo! And of course, it’s still a drop in the bucket, you know, a drop in the well. So, I would encourage people to just really inspire and stoke their curiosity, listen to more podcasts, read more audio books, read actual books, texts, that have to do with just expanding your sexual horizon and education.

[1:34:25] Sahara

And books you recommend?

[1:34:26] Alexa

Yeah. So, I mentioned “Vagina, a New Biography”, by Naomi Wolf, earlier. I love Wednesday Martin’s “Untrue”, which is a great book and basically, I think the tag is something to the effective, “Why everything we think we know about women’s sexuality, infidelity, is untrue”, something like that. I love “Sex at Dawn”, which is a heady book, anthropologically based, it’s like a 22-hour audible, it’s a thick one, but it’s great, it changed everything for me. I love “The Ethical Slut”. 

If you’re interested in kink, there’s “Playing Well With Others”, and “The Ultimate Guide to Kink”, which is great because it just describes pretty much everything.

Yeah, so, I love books, I love audio books. If you’re curious about something that’s in a different category, the place that you can find me – I’m full of resources and recommendations, and a lot of them are on our site. So, you can find me at thatsexchick across all the social media platforms. Shoot me a DM, be like “Do you have a resource for pegging?”, “Do you have a resource for, you know, BDMS as a new bead?”, “Do you have a resource for kinky dating or dating more intentionally?”, I’ve got it all.

We’ve also got a podcast as well, so, and it’s called That Sex Chick, but our company sexandlove.co. So, a lot of my resources and recommendations are there on our site. And then there’s also a section that’s got freebies. And so, like I mentioned, on Sunday, Jordan and I sit down for a check-in, we’ve done it so many times that there’s a method to it, that then, I put into a PDF and made it free on the website. So, if you’re like “I don’t even know where to begin with being more intentional and, like, figuring out what kind of sex we want to have and what kind of life we want to live”, there’s a guide there.

And so, there’s all kinds of different tools. There’s a want, want, want list that’s going to ask you if you’re “I don’t know what I want”, start with that list. It’s over 300 questions, “Do you want it?”, “Will you do it?”, “Do you not want it?”, “Won’t you do it?” 

And so, those are some of my most recommended resources to get started, and we have them free. And then, any time you have questions, I’m available and accessible @thatsexchick on Instagram.

[1:36:29] Sahara

Beautiful! Well, thank you so much for your generosity and your wisdom, and for sharing with us today! We are so enlightened, so turned on and grateful!

[1:36:38] Alexa

Me too! Thank you! I feel so blessed to be able to share this with you, first and foremost, and of course, your audience!

[1:36:44] End of Interview

________________________________________________________________ 

[1:36:47] Sahara

Yo! That was a fucking vibe! I loved that conversation, it was so juicy, so fun, so rich, so playful! And after that, she actually took me into a special private room, aka my business partner’s office, and lit some candles, and gave me this beautiful sensorium experience with, like, feathers and, like, sharp things. And she even tried this electrical thing on me, I was actually not really into that. But it was really cool to, like, receive different sensations. She even tried, like, kind of these spanking motions with, like, her hand, like, rounded vs flat vs like a slap. And it was really cool because I have never really been a kink person and it showed me that you actually can have, you know, a lot of play with different sensations, and it doesn’t need to be painful either, it’s just about trying new things and getting out of your routine. And it’s definitely something I want to incorporate into future relationships and loverships, so I’m grateful for that experience.

[1:37:43] Sahara

And the key to having the sex that you want is communication and conversation and being in your voice! 

So, this is why I created my Speak with Soul Course which is available right now for 50% OFF, special launch price that you’re never going to see again. 

[1:37:57] Sahara

So, this course will take you from feeling unconfident in your voice, feeling like “I really want to start speaking more, whether it’s on social media or just in my life”, to, in 21 days feeling so confident that, in the end, I’m actually going to guide you through recording your own podcast intro, even if you don’t want a podcast right now, like, you’re going to get to that level. I’m going to guide you through it, step by step.

So, head over to speakwithsoulcourse.com, you can find that link in the show notes and it’s available right now for a special launch price, so don’t sleep on it, boo-boo! 

[1:38:27] Sahara

Alright, I hope you loved this Episode, and I’ll see you in the next one! Namaste!                                 

Episode #483: How To Have The Best Sex Ever + Maintain That Spark In Long-Term Relationships with Alexa That Sex Chick
By Sahara Rose