Have you ever spent hours/ day/ weeks/ month/ erm maybe even YEARS thinking about what you want to say in a situation, trying to figure out how to say it in a way that won’t offend the other person? WHY are we so afraid of speaking our truth?! I’ll tell you why in this episode and help you get down to the core belief that will help you finally have the same compassion for YOURSELF that you give to others – especially for us empaths! I give you a specific practice at the end to help you channel your truth. Tune in!
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Episode 434: Why It’s So Uncomfortable To Speak Your Truth with Sahara Rose
By Sahara Rose
Namaste, it’s Sahara Rose and welcome back to The Highest Self Podcast, a place where we discuss what makes You, Your Soul’s Highest Evolvement.
And before we get started, I have an announcement for you.
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The past couple of days, I’ve been really thinking about communication and why sharing our truth is such a difficult, yet important, in fact, it’s the most essential attribute for all of us as human beings, to be heard, to speak, to understand, to listen. Communication is vital for relationships, partnerships, friendships, and why is it so challenging for us?
Have you ever had a situation, in your life, that you have spent hours trying to think of the right way to communicate your truth to this person? Maybe you didn’t even know what your truth was. Maybe you spent countless days, weeks, months, years, going back and forth, thinking about what you want to say to this person in a way that you can be clear about your truth, and also not hurt them, and walk this fine line, but as you begin to think about it more and more, the rabbit hole really gets deeper and deeper.
And the truth is, the reason why we are so afraid of sharing how we feel, is because we’re afraid of what the other person might think of it. We’re afraid of being abandoned, as a result, of that person saying “No, I can’t handle your truth, it’s too much for me, I don’t want to be with you. I don’t want to be in this relationship, this friendship, this partnership, this community, this container, this agreement.”
So, really, we’re afraid that our truth is going to be too much, and that actually prevents us from having a meaningful relationship.
So, I know I have been in situations, such as in friendships, where I have really bitten my tongue around speaking my truth because I knew that that friend would take it the wrong way. Have you ever felt that before? And I’m going around in circles, driving myself crazy, spending all of my free time, and meditation, and workouts, and everything else, thinking about the situation, and the reason why I wasn’t actually expressing how I felt was because I knew that that friend would not take it the right way. So, was that really a friendship, if I couldn’t be truthful and honest with them?
While there is an art to communication, I’m not saying say the first thing on your mind, especially when you’re angry or triggered or in any type of emotional wave, especially if, in Human Design, you’re an emotional authority, but even, I’m not an emotional authority, but there is an art to speaking things in a way that’s non-violent.
If you look at the works of non-violent communication, there’s a whole format to that, and I highly recommend looking into it. And at the same time, for us, highly sensitive people, empaths, people-pleasers, that can kind of get in the mix of things, we communicate with ourselves in such a violent way, to try to come up with the perfect way to express that thing to someone else. In the effort to be non-confrontational with that person, we’re extremely confrontational and rude to how we really feel, which is not self-loving. And then it creates this foundation of a relationship that’s not in true integrity. And that’s how resentment builds up, that’s how it feels like you’re biting your tongue and compromising again and again and again, so, where is the truth? And how are you actually being seen and heard if everything that you’re saying is coming through a million filters? Are you more concerned with how that person might receive it, that you don’t even know how you actually feel about the situation?
And this can show up in all areas of our lives, not just in friendships, but in our relationships. I mean, hello, attachment styles!
We have some people that are anxious-attachment styles, those are those of us like myself, who really want to talk about something right when it’s going on, they don’t want things to bubble up, because they get worried about the situation getting worse, so they want to talk it out, right then, right now, and that’s more on the anxious side.
And there’s a healthy way to that too. I think there is a gift in being someone that doesn’t like to let things fester up, and just speak the truth as it is, there is a beauty in that of, you don’t want to carry things. And that’s why, for me, I feel like holding on to conversations that need to be had, and prolonging them until you find the perfect words, it gets really heavy and then it adds on all these different layers, all this debris, all this dust. It’s like, you cannot dust your house for a week, you’ll be okay. A month? Okay, there’ll be a little bit there. A year? That’s not going to be a dusting situation anymore, that’s going to need a full clean up, especially if you live in a place that already had a lot of dust accumulated, it could turn into allergies, mold, right.
So, if we let things boil up until then, they spiral into snowballs that are much larger situations, than they could’ve been if we just spoke about them right then. And I will say that sometimes people who tend to be on the anxious side, we almost feel insecure when something doesn’t feel right, that we want to talk about that thing right then and right now, because we want to know that we’re safe in the relationship. And that’s when it gets a little bit more shadowy of “Let’s talk about right there, are you going to leave me? And that’s why I want to feel safe in this container.” So, notice that if that’s your main style.
On the other end, there’s the avoidant attachment style. And that avoidant person wants to take their sweet time thinking about things and really letting it sink in and thinking about the right words. They don’t really know what they feel at all, my husband is one. I tend to find in relationships, we find the opposite of what we are and I’ll give an analogy to this as well.
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So, the avoidant attachment style, they really need their space when they are in some sort of conflict, they want to leave the situation, so they want to, maybe if you’re having a fight at home, they want to leave the house, they want to go for a drive, they want to go away, they want to run.
So, if you are someone who’s more of a runner, you want to leave the situation, that’s more of the flight response in the nervous system of “I need to get out of here, it’s not safe.”
So, in communication styles, it’s avoiding how you really feel and maybe you end up being a little bit passive-aggressive, and the energy just doesn’t feel 100% right, but I will say the reason why they do this, having spoken to my husband like “Why don’t you just tell me how you feel when you feel it”, it’s that they’re not ready, they are not ready. And I had a beautiful conversation with Byron Katie here on the Podcast, and she did the work on me, and we did the work around this situation (I will link it below), and she said “Maybe your husband is just not ready to talk about how he feels.” And that gave me a perspective of yes, there is a gift, also, in sitting with it and really thinking about it and trying to find the right word to say it in a way that doesn’t hurt that person.
And I think that the world would benefit more from being less reactive and really sitting with things and journaling upon them, and in coming to your own understandings. So, there is a gift in that as well. Taking a moment, grounding yourself, that’s the healthy side of being a little bit more on that avoidant attachment style.
However, it can also get very shadowy in the never talking about it, and I mean, how many of you guys have parents that have not talked about their conflicts or their situations for like 20 years? And you feel it in the room, and every time something goes a little bit wrong, it goes right back there, but they’re not willing to do the work around it, they’re not willing to go to therapy, they’re not willing to really dive deep into the root causes of where this conflict comes from because that scares them too much, because there may be an energetic mismatch, because they may be afraid of the findings that they realize on the other side.
So, we can see here, that on both sides, both the anxious person and the avoidant person, really what they’re afraid of is the abandonment. They’re afraid that that person is going to leave them. However, the way that the avoidant person does it, is they end up abandoning, to not be abandoned, because they’re afraid of what will happen if we actually communicate. Maybe we’ll actually have this conversation and this relationship is not right for us, and that’s scary. So, I would rather run away from the whole situation, to distance myself from it and pretend it’s not happening, than really step into it and to be in the fire.
And that anxious person is “Something feels off, I feel like you’re going to leave me, we need to talk about this right now. Let me know, am I going crazy, are you gas-lighting me?”, and you start to go a bit neurotic.
And sometimes we oscillate between the two, you may have moments in your life, in your relationship, that you’re more in the anxious moments than you’re on the avoidant.
So, an analogy that I really like are, the anxious attachment style people, we are more like the wave. So, the wave, it wants to rush in, it wants to divulge into something, it’s all-encompassing, it wants to talk about how you feel and what’s showing up. I would say it holds a little bit more of that feminine polarity.
And then the avoidant is more like the island. It’s reclused, it needs a lot of space around it, it needs a lot of water, a lot of distance, it holds more of that masculine polarity. Like the man who goes up in the Himalayas and needs to meditate to gain clarity and remove themselves from all of the distractions of the world. And when you talk to a lot of people who hold more of that masculine pole and you’re like “What would you really desire?”, they’re like “I just want to be away from everything.” And that’s why people who are more on the masculine are very drawn to silent retreats and fasting in the desert, and that type of thing. They tend to be more of the island.
Whereas feminine beings tend to be more of the waves, they want to talk and discuss and sit in circle and be in community and understand, and really speak heart-to-heart. And we can see the gift in both these things. We need both, that’s why we’re designed to have both within us, we are all both feminine and masculine.
However, it’s important for us to clear these shadows and fears and distortions that can get stuck in either communication style because it can prevent us from really building. And when I say building, I mean building relationships, friendships, businesses, projects.
I would say the biggest reason why we don’t see healthy relationships and friendships and partnerships in the world, is because of communication. That is the number one reason. And when we don’t communicate, when we don’t share how we feel, when we don’t understand each other’s attachment styles and what’s showing up for us right now, even beyond the label, I don’t want us to jump to “Well, I’m an anxious person” or “I’m an avoidant person”, because we’re all both, in different ways, but really, let’s get back down to what is the fear, why do we feel blocked, why do we feel like we need to do something else than be honest?
And honesty, really is a core virtue of myself, but there are different levels of honesty that people are ready for too, I will say that. Some people aren’t ready for your full honesty. And that’s the truth.
For some people, if you were truly honest about how you feel, it will be too much for them. And I don’t want to sugar coat things and say if you’re honest, then all friendships and all relationships and all partnerships will always work, because they won’t. However, you will always be happy, if you are honest.
And again, that doesn’t mean that there won’t be conflict. In fact, conflict might arise, but you will be true to yourself, and that’s really what happiness, what true joy is about. Because you can build a house with a stack of cards, whether it’s a home life with a picket white fence and 2.5 kids in a beautiful suburb; whether it’s the corner office at the marketing agency with all the bells and whistles and paid vacations. Whatever it looks like for you, maybe it’s a 10+ year friendship that people seem to be envious of, but you can’t even really talk about who you are in this chapter of your life in the friendship, it’s like all you guys talk about is who you were 10 years ago when you met and you feel like you go back to that version of yourself who you don’t want to be when you’re around them.
So, sometimes being honest will mean a separation, and that’s also okay. And there’s also an opportunity in being honest. Sometimes what you thought was impossible will become possible through you sharing your truth. And honestly, you can’t fuck it up as long as it comes from your heart. Your heart doesn’t lie. But your mind will tell you a million stories, your mind will try to convince you otherwise, because truth has layers. It’s like, you may be feeling something’s off and then your mind is trying to distract yourself from it or blame other people for it, or find something else to really prevent you from feeling how you feel, which may be scared, hurt, unheard, unseen, unvalued. And then you listen to your heart and you get to this deeper layer of truth, it’s like that first layer of the onion and it’s like “Oh wow, that’s actually how I feel”, but then your mind will try to distract you and pretend it’s something else, and when you listen to your heart, you’ll get another layer of the onion and another and another and another, until you go down to the core of how it is that you feel, and from that place there is no mind, it’s pure heart, pure being, and you also have so much compassion for yourself and the other person, because you see that there was a foundation that was based off of a lie. If you’re not being true to yourself, then you’re lying to yourself. And it seems like a harsh word, but that’s just what it is. Anywhere in your life that is not full authenticity is built on a lie.
And again, we may have areas in our lives that we compromise a little bit more on, for sure. You may have friendships that it’s like “Okay, they’re not like my soul fam, but I like going to yoga with them, that’s okay”. You may work with some colleagues that you’re like “Yeah, I wouldn’t hire them myself, but it’s cool to work with them”, I’m not saying it needs to be an all or nothing, but what I’m saying is, how do you really feel, what’s showing up and are you lying to yourself? Are you trying to make yourself feel like “It’s not that big of a deal, it’s going to be okay”, are you gas-lighting yourself? Because you’re afraid of what the outcome might look like if you are honest. I really invite you to sit with that.
You know, the past few weeks, I have had this text message service I have been doing on community, I will link my number below, it’s absolutely free, and I’m just sending channeled texts as they’re coming through, as different messages come through, I’m texting them to the community. And this has been such a major theme that’s been coming up, especially the past few weeks, right now, of having honest conversations and getting to that next level of authenticity and integrity and communication. And again, letting yourself be amazed by what can happen when you are true to yourself.
You know, if I wasn’t true to myself with how I felt when I had an internship at an ad agency when I was 21 years old and was trying to convince myself that “Oh, well, I guess working in advertising is a cool, creative job, that could work. I’m a creative so I’ll just channel it here”, if I wasn’t honest with myself that, I only had that internship for one summer, and if I wasn’t honest with myself, I might have still worked there right now and I would’ve never written my books, I would’ve never created this Podcast, I would have never reached the millions of lives that I have reached, and I still might have been in that office trying to convince myself “Well, I guess this is a way I can channel my creativity, based on something that I care nothing about, with people that I don’t resonate with in a cubicle that makes me miserable.”
So, I’m so grateful that that honesty allowed that thing to be released from my life because I wouldn’t have had the space to create the career, the opportunities, the friendships, the relationships, everything that unfolded as a result of that revelation, is what has brought me here, in Miami, with this beautiful view of the ocean, being able to share my heart with you.
So, this is why, for me, the piece about living your Dharma, your soul’s purpose, it really is the ultimate North Star of all of this, because the more truthful you become to yourself, and it’s a daily practice, and trust me, I still have times that I’m like “Oh, wow, okay, I need to journal these thought out because something feels out of integrity right now, something feels off, I’m feeling resentful, I’m not feeling flow in this area of my life”, and I journal and I write it and I get clear, I don’t immediately react, but I also know that I’m never going to feel totally ready. And I get to a place that I feel clear enough about how I truthfully feel and what I desire and what can change in a way that’s not blaming of the other person or the situation, it’s just stating “Here are my needs and I take responsibility for how it’s gotten here and here’s how I like it to be”. And every single time that I’ve done that, whether it’s in friendships, business, relationships, whatever it is, it’s always gotten exponentially better in ways that I could’ve never imagined.
So, I invite you to really sit with this, to journal upon this, to write out “What is it that I want? How do I feel? How can I take responsibility for what’s showing up? And how can it be different?”
So, if you want the daily texts from me, you can head over to the show notes, my number is right there, you just shoot me a text, it has you subscribe and then you’ll receive the text. It’s US only right now, but it’s just a great way to further deep dive and connect. And of course, my email list is where I share more stories and tidbits, and revelations, so be sure to connect with me as well on my email list that you can also find on the show notes.
Thank you so much for tuning in. And before we leave, I want to share that the Rose Gold Goddesses retreat is taking place this May, 27 – 28, in Miami, so this is part of my Divine Feminine Mystery School. It’s a community where every single month, we gather together as a community to deep dive into different spiritual topics, workshops. I teach about channeling and communicating with your higher self and we have expert guests such as Hellé, teaching Breathwork; and the Anima Mundi founder, teaching about lucid dreaming and Herbology; Bibi, teaching about Tantra; Christopher Witecki, about Astrology and so much more. It really is like Highest Self Podcast in real life.
And now, this retreat experience, which is members only, is going to be your opportunity to actually come twerk with me in real life, and Goddess circle, and so much more.
So, if you want to join Rose Gold Goddesses, head over to rosegoldgoddesses.com, we are opening doors very briefly this month, and if you’re curious about joining the wait-list for the future, you can also just head over there to join the wait-list, that link is in the show notes and we will email you when doors open again.
So, again, head over to the links in my show noted for all of this and I’m so grateful for you tuning in.
Episode 434: Why It’s So Uncomfortable To Speak Your Truth with Sahara Rose
By Sahara Rose