One moment you’re living your life. The next, someone you trusted completely reveals something that rearranges everything you thought was true. The past starts replaying in a new light. You wonder how you didn’t see it. Your body feels like it’s been hit by a truck.
The betrayal in my marriage was the beginning of my dark night of the soul. In this post I’m sharing what betrayal trauma is, the symptoms, the emotions nobody warns you about, and what helped me heal from betrayal trauma and rebuild trust in myself.
A gentle note: I’m a spiritual teacher, not a therapist. If you’re struggling, please reach out to a licensed therapist alongside the practices below.
What Is Betrayal Trauma?
The term betrayal trauma was introduced by psychologist Jennifer Freyd to describe the harm that happens when someone we depend on for safety or love violates our trust. Because we’re attached to that person, the betrayal can shake our sense of reality, our nervous system and our trust in our own perception.
Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma
- Intrusive thoughts and replaying the past over and over
- Feeling disconnected from your body or numb
- Waves of rage, grief and disbelief
- Hypervigilance and difficulty trusting anyone, including yourself
- Trouble sleeping, eating or concentrating
- Shame and self-blame, often “How did I not know?”
Your Intuition Was Right
As women, we’re often told we’re anxious, overreacting or overthinking when we sense something is off. So we try to tell ourselves it’s not a big deal. We blame ourselves for not being secure enough. Then we find out our intuition was telling us the truth the whole time.
Part of healing from betrayal is realizing that the anxiety you felt was a sign that something genuinely was off. Those senses were never broken. They were accurate. Now you get to start listening to them.
The Emotions Nobody Warns You About
Rage
For months, my empathy was the fastest way out of my anger. The second I felt furious, I’d think about his childhood and his perspective. I could find compassion for the little boy inside of him faster than for the little girl inside of me who was scared and confused. Eventually I realized I had spent enough time understanding why he did what he did. My anger wanted me to understand what it did to me.
Hurt people hurt people. They’re also adults responsible for what they do with their hurt. Your compassion for someone else doesn’t have to come at the expense of compassion for yourself.
Disgust
Disgust doesn’t want the childhood story or the spiritual lesson. It wants to spit something out. My body would shake with it, and I didn’t want to feel repulsed by someone I had loved so deeply. Yet my body had its own opinion. I started spitting into a bowl, making whatever croaky sounds wanted to come out. Something surprising happened afterward: I softened.
Self-Blame
Be careful not to turn the disgust toward yourself. Someone else’s actions can’t make you disgusting. Their secrets don’t become your shame simply because you were close enough to be affected by them. You don’t have to scrub yourself clean of something you didn’t do.
Disappointment
Underneath the disappointment is the future you thought was promised to you. Let yourself grieve that, too.
Be Witnessed in Your Pain
After a period of no contact during my divorce, I felt it was important to repair. There were times I sat on FaceTime with my ex and simply let him see me in my pain. He’d ask, “What do you want me to do?” I’d say, “I just want you to see that this is how I feel.”
As a little girl, I would cry alone in my bedroom praying someone would come check on me. That little girl needed to be witnessed. Being witnessed is very different from crying to win someone back. If speaking to the person who betrayed you isn’t safe or possible, let a friend, therapist or support circle witness you instead.
Break the Lineage Pattern
In the days after my world fell apart, I found myself in the temples of Egypt, staring at the serpent carved across the hieroglyphics. I felt it telling me how unspoken pain is passed down through a family until someone is brave enough to look the snake in the eye and say, “Enough.” That person was me. The wound of women being betrayed, abandoned and silenced was no longer going to continue in my bloodline.
You Will Trust Again
One of the first books I read after my divorce told me I’d forever have betrayal PTSD. That isn’t true. Healing is a choice you get to keep making.
Love opened me. Betrayal molded me. It gave me texture, nuance, empathy and artistry that became the very things I love most about myself. The person who brought you to your knees may have opened the wound, and what you find inside it is your own. Not everyone transforms through their dark night. You get to choose that.
Practices for Healing Betrayal Trauma
- Move the rage. Kali breath, screaming in the car, punching pillows, dancing.
- Release the disgust. Spit into a bowl and let the sounds be as ugly as they want.
- Name the truth. Write what you need to admit to yourself about the situation.
- Rebuild self-trust. Notice small intuitive nudges and act on them.
- Let beauty hold you. Flowers, music, nature and sacred places expand you beyond your grief.
- Get support. A therapist, a coach and friends who can witness you.
I go much deeper into this in my new book, Maybe This Love Story Is Really About Me. It’s the companion I wish I’d had in my own heartbreak.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the symptoms of betrayal trauma?
Common symptoms include intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, waves of anger and grief, numbness, trouble sleeping and eating, difficulty trusting, and self-blame.
How long does it take to heal from betrayal?
It varies widely and often takes one to several years. With support and space to feel your emotions, the intensity lessens over time.
Can you heal from betrayal without the other person’s apology?
Yes. Healing happens within you. An apology can help, and you can still complete the experience in your own body and heart without one.
Do I have to forgive to heal?
Forgiveness can’t be rushed. Let yourself feel the anger and grief first. For many people, forgiveness arrives naturally later, as a byproduct of healing.
Read more in how to heal after divorce and the dark night of the soul. My new book, Maybe This Love Story Is Really About Me, out December 4, shares my full story of healing. Pre-order to receive the bonus Rose Meditation. You are going to be so proud of who you become, love.
Listen to the Highest Self Podcast on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.