Heartbreak is measured in depth, not time. You can be shattered by a three-year marriage or by a man you only kissed three times. Either way, your chest aches, your phone feels like a slot machine and the future you imagined just disappeared.

I’ve lived both kinds. My divorce turned my life inside out, and years later I cried for a month over someone I never even officially dated. Here’s what I’ve learned about how to get over a breakup, the spiritual way, from the first raw days to the glow-up on the other side.

First, Let It Be as Big as It Is

Society tells us to bounce back fast. Your body has other plans. Grief, rage, disgust and disappointment all want to move through you, and they move faster when you let them.

Give your emotions somewhere to go. Cry in the shower. Scream into a pillow. Shake your body out like an animal after a chase. When rage rose in me after my separation, I practiced Kali breath in my car, tongue out, letting whatever wanted to come through come through. I probably looked unhinged. It felt so good.

Admit the Uncomfortable Truth

Underneath the thought you can’t stop circling, there’s usually a simple truth you haven’t said out loud. I really miss him. I’m scared I’ll never feel this again. I don’t know who I am without this. Write it down or say it to the mirror. Once it’s spoken, it no longer has to hide underneath the anxiety.

Write the Letter You’ll Never Send

A breakup leaves your nervous system with an open loop. Write everything you wish you could say, on paper or in a voice memo. Be angry, be tender, be ridiculous. Your body needs to feel the ending, even if the other person never hears it.

Hold Yourself the Way You Wanted to Be Held

The Lover Girl in us is forever waiting for someone to give her the words she needs to hear. Try giving them to yourself. Wrap your arms around your own body and say:

I’m with you. I’ll never leave you. You are so beyond beautiful. I am so grateful that I get to love you.

Read that again. Those are the words you’ve been waiting for someone else to say. It feels unnatural at first, especially when we’re used to being held by a big masculine man. The love you have for yourself is the foundation everything else stands on.

Take the Elevator All the Way Up

It’s tempting to jump straight into the next relationship to fill the void. Picture yourself in an elevator of consciousness. Right after a breakup, you’re on the ground floor, deep in the mess. As you take real time for yourself, you rise and start to see the bigger picture: how the car crash below connected to the street sign a block back, and eventually how the whole city was set up to keep causing the same accidents.

You’ll be so grateful you didn’t get off on floor six or sixteen, because from floor sixty-six you can see things you couldn’t have imagined down there. There are fewer people up there, and they’re the ones who chose to do the deeper work. That’s who you want to be brushing shoulders with.

Romanticize Your Friendships

A year and a half after my divorce, one of my best friends went through an unexpected breakup and moved in with me. Weeks became months, and we became each other’s platonic wives. We started every day with a dance party and ended every night making herbal concoctions and singing. I never laughed so much in my life.

We often think romantic partnership is the only place to find this kind of connection. Send your friends flowers. Book the cliffside hotel together. Romance doesn’t only belong to romance.

Let Beauty Be Your Medicine

After my divorce I became obsessed with beauty. Flowers filled every room. I visited temples, gardens and sacred sites around the world, and listened to music that broke my heart open in the best way. Looking back, my soul was guiding me toward experiences that expanded me beyond my grief. Make your home a sanctuary. Wear the silk robe. Eat the ripe mango over the sink.

Ask Your Inner Wise Woman

When the anxiety spikes, connect with the part of you that can see the whole arc of your life. Ask her:

• Will this matter in the grand scheme of my life?
• What could I be focusing my energy on instead that would fulfill me more?
• How can I start living what matters most, right now?

Emotions change every hour. The heart is steadier. It lets things marinate and integrate, then takes the next step from a place of seeing the full picture.

Stop Checking His Instagram

Watching his stories from a secret account, analyzing his new girlfriend’s photos, asking ChatGPT what he meant: all of it keeps giving him your energy. Be the bodyguard of your own thoughts. Every minute you reclaim is a minute you can pour into your own life.

Remember That Longing Is Love

Longing for love isn’t something you need to pathologize and heal out of yourself. It shows your heart is alive and knows what it’s here for. When you stop seeing longing as lack and start seeing it as prayer, it becomes the fuel for your growth. Love is asking you to become the one who can hold it.

Know That This Is an Initiation

The Venusian mystery schools understood heartbreak as an initiation. Every nineteen months they watched Venus disappear into the sun’s glare and return as the morning star, brighter than before. The woman who walks through heartbreak returns more open, more radiant and more in love with life, because she knows love can’t actually be taken. It can only expand.

In my new book, Maybe This Love Story Is Really About Me, I share the full story of my heartbreaks and the archetypes that carried me through each one. It’s out December 4.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

There’s no fixed timeline, because heartbreak is measured in depth rather than time. Most people move through it in waves, and each wave passes more quickly as you let yourself feel it fully.

What is the fastest way to get over a breakup?

The fastest way through is to feel your emotions fully, create your own closure, stop monitoring your ex online and pour your energy back into your friendships, body and purpose.

Should I stay friends with my ex?

Give yourself time and space first. A friendship can sometimes form later, once neither of you is hoping for something more.

How do I stop thinking about my ex?

Name the truth beneath the obsessive thoughts, write the letter you’ll never send, and redirect your attention to what lights you up. The more you live your own life, the less space he takes up in your mind.

For more support, explore my heartbreak healing course, read why men ghost, and pre-order Maybe This Love Story Is Really About Me to receive the bonus Rose Meditation. Your glow-up is already on its way, love.

Listen to the Highest Self Podcast on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.