If there is something in your life that is not the way you want it to be, it’s probably because you have a belief that it is meant to be like this. Until you dive into those beliefs and excavate the unconscious mind… you’re going to keep manifesting the realities that may not be serving you at your highest level.
In this week’s Highest Self Podcast Episode we dive into all of this and more with one of my close friends, Alyssa Nobriga. Alyssa is a coach and psychologist who specializes in the subconscious – why we think the way we do, the beliefs they’re based on, and the actions they then ripple into. In this conversation, she actually live coaches me to get to my core belief, fear, and desire and how they’re all reflected in my life.
We also explore relationship dynamics and how they relate to our ego, understanding our core desires and wounds on a deeper level, the 9 enneagram personality types (highly recommend finding out what yours is), how to release the identities that don’t serve us, and SO much more!
Connect with Alyssa on Instagram here: https://instagram.com/alyssanobriga
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Transcript
Episode #487: How Everyday Triggers Become The Breadcrumbs To Our Awakening with Alyssa Nobriga
By Sahara Rose
[00:00] Sahara
So, I want to talk about this word deserve.
[00:03] Alyssa
Yeah.
[00:04] Sahara
“I didn’t deserve that”. How is this word really holding us back?
[00:08] Alyssa
This idea that, you know, this comes from this right/wrong dynamic, like “This is what shouldn’t happen and this is what shouldn’t”, and then, also, any time we deserve something, there’s going to be a different environment where we don’t deserve it. And it just pendulums with this made-up understanding of who we think we are and what we think we deserve. I think it’s limiting.
[00:25] Sahara
I love that! If you feel like you deserve something, that means you feel like you don’t, you have to have both then.
[00:30] Alyssa
Yeah. And I think people, unintentionally, use this, like “You deserve that” or “You deserve this”, but if it has anything to do with our deservability, then we’re going to try to earn our worth, we’re going to try to prove something, and that’s just inauthentic.
And so, it’s like “You didn’t deserve that”, well, I understand the deeper intention, but I think the words are important. And so, realizing we are all inherently whole, all inherently worthy, from there, then it’s not about deserving or not deserving, it’s about being willing to say “This was what was presented to me in life and what can I use it to teach me? What is life showing me or assisting me to see through this?”, because then, we have an empowered point of view, rather than thinking “I’m trying to manipulate life” or “It’s their problem or their fault”, pointing fingers outside. The real work is the inside.
So, again, I just flip the frame because this idea that you deserve it is too limiting. The truth of who you are, there’s no definition the mind could put on us that would capture who we really are.
______________________________________________
[01:39] Sahara
Hi! I’m Sahara Rose and welcome back to The Highest Self Podcast, a place where we discuss what makes you, your soul’s highest evolvement.
[01:47] Sahara
I am so excited for today’s Episode because it is with one of my close friends who I have known for many, many years, shared many, many life experiences with. And she has meant to be on this Podcast for a long time now, but there was always, just, tides in the ocean, until right now, when the ocean crescendo showed, and here we are! Because she’s so well-versed in so many different topics, but this topic, especially, about looking at our subconscious and questioning our beliefs.
It has been such a huge part of my life and my journey, not just through discovering my soul’s purpose, and dharma, and creating my business, but also, now, having just gotten divorced and navigating the relationship challenges that come up in these types of situations, and then really looking at what do I want to create moving forward.
[02:35] Sahara
And I’ve done enough work to know that our life is a reflection of our beliefs, because, the truth is, if there’s something in your life that’s not how you want it to be, it’s probably because there’s a belief that it is meant to be like this. And until we dive into those questions, and we excavate, and we go into the subconscious mind, we’re going to keep manifesting these different realities. And I feel that, so often, in the spiritual space, we talk about manifestation as this, like, abstract thing that these, like, aliens are doing for us, but it’s actually us who is, like, actively choosing it and co-creating it in these very tangible ways, of like, how we communicate with people, the choices that we make, the behaviors that we accept or don’t accept, we’re constantly manifesting in our lives, just through our way of being.
[03:20] Sahara
So, for me, in my experience now, and past few months I’ve doven deeper into myself than I ever have in my entire life, through so many modalities, from somatic, experiencing hypnotherapy, Watsu, rebirth, I mean, the list goes on. But it’s, like, those little beliefs that I had, something so simple that’s like “Oh, relationships are hard” or “Well, no man can ever be as conscious as, like, what us women can be like”, you know, whatever the things are, and then it’s just like “Well, is that really true?”
And I’ve had Byron Katie on the Podcast before, and we went through her process of doing the work, which, Alyssa also has been a student of, for many years, and she has her own system as well, and it’s something that I always teach our Dharma Coaching Institute students, to really, like, look at those little beliefs and, like, probe into them and question them, because then, when they unravel, it’s like “Oh no, that’s actually not true at all, I’ve been holding on to that. Like, what? I’ve been seeing the entire world this way, based on this shitty, fucking belief that is not even true! Like, what?!”, and then you’re like “Oh shit, I can have the juicy relationship”, “I can have the abundant business”, “I can have these things, because they’re already there, it’s just my belief is blocking me from having them.”
[04:31] Sahara
So, in this Episode, we’re going to dive into the subconscious, all of these things, and bring our own experiences to the table as well, because I feel like that’s really how we grow, it’s through learning other people’s experiences.
[04:43] Sahara
So, without further ado, let’s welcome Alyssa Nobriga, to The Highest Self Podcast. And also, I want to include that, right now, she’s a coach, but she spent many years as a therapist and working with individuals and couples. So, what I love about Alyssa’s approach is, she really blends the, like, therapy, the psychology and all of these different systems with the spirituality and the coaching.
So, you know, if you’re someone that’s like “I don’t know, like, I want the evidence or the science behind this”, like, she really marries the two. So, you’re going to feel her energy and the safety that she creates instantly, you’re going to be like “Yes, bitch, I love her!”
So, let’s welcome Alyssa on The Highest Self Podcast.
[05:19] Alyssa
What an introduction! Thank you!
[05:23] Sahara
So, the first question I’d love to ask you is, what makes you your highest self?
[05:28] Alyssa
Questioning my identity.
[05:30] Sahara
Question away! That’s what we’re going to do today!
[05:34] Alyssa
Self-inquiry. Yeah, who am I?
[05:35] Sahara
Love that!
[05:35] Alyssa
Yeah.
[05:36] Sahara
So, I was at your house, like, last night or two nights ago, and we were diving deep into all the realms, and you said something about how everyday triggers become the breadcrumbs to our awakening, and I was like “That is the topic of our Podcast, right there!”, because I feel that we have this idea of “Well, once I become awakened, once I become enlightened, once I become spiritual, whatever the thing is, I won’t have any triggers anymore”, and that’s true. And it’s like, instead, really looking at these triggers as our pathway, as the breadcrumbs, like you said.
So, can you just explain a little bit more what that means?
[06:13] Alyssa
Yeah. I think triggers are our teachers. So, there’s an approach to life to use everything that happens in our everyday for our freedom, for our awakening. So, life always shows us where we’re not free and we can either, proactively, do our work to continue to free our hearts and our minds and live as a beneficial presence in the world, or we can postpone it and keep projecting it on other people.
So, obviously, we’re about the proactive approach, which is “What is life mirroring to me in this situation? And what are the thoughts, what are the feelings, what are the emotions, holistic approach to getting free, rather than just one area of it. And if I do that, then I get to the root of it so that I can live more free, essentially”.
So, instead of thinking “That person made me feel this way”, instead, a different approach to looking at it is that, that person knocked on the door and our trigger opened, it was already within us and they evoked it. And so, if that trigger gets opened, then we can look inside of ourselves “How do I look? What is that mirroring to me about myself? What is life mirroring to me about my belief systems? And if I get really still and I slow down and start to observe the mind, rather than get absorbed by it, I can see what’s playing out in my subconscious”.
So, often times, the subconscious, we can’t see what we can’t see, so life needs to be that mirror for us. And rather than getting stuck on blame or thinking about people, look at the pattern “What is this reflecting to me? How do I use this to clear it within inside of myself so that I don’t keep playing it out unconsciously in the world?”
[07:45] Sahara
I love you just worded that because it’s so relatable. You know, when these triggers show up, it’s really God, Universe, Source Consciousness, just trying to support us in seeing these things that we would’ve never – you know, you can’t know what’s inside you until it’s reflected into your outer reality.
[08:01] Alyssa
Yeah.
[08:02] Sahara
And that’s the beauty of the spiritual path, of like, whatever’s the obstacle, is the way.
[08:07] Alyssa
Yeah.
[08:08] Sahara
You know, it’s not preventing, “I can’t be happy because of this”, it’s like “Oh, this is the actual thing that’s like my key code”.
[08:14] Alyssa
It’s not in the way, it is the way.
[08:16] Sahara
It is the way.
[08:18] Alyssa
And by having the courage to face it, to embrace it, ironically, it holds the key to what we deeply desire, but often times we don’t want to look at it. So, I call this the paradox of transformation, that through embracing the thing we’re afraid of, we, ironically, experience what we deeply desired.
So, for example, if I want to feel secure, it’s through embracing and security. If I want to feel free, ironically, it’s through embracing feeling stuck. Or if I want to feel more worthy, I embrace unworthiness, the part of me that feels unworthy, holding presence. And I think it’s important to know that it’s not getting caught up in the identity or the story, once the story is told, it can activate the emotions or the sensations. And then, once the sensations and emotions are activated, then we can get intimate with the current experience, getting directly intimate with what it’s presenting as, as a sensation, not a story, and it starts to integrate into our nervous system.
So, rather than getting caught on the person, we find out what’s the pattern it’s reflecting. Rather than getting caught on the story, “What’s the sensation that’s rising in my body right now? And if I breath into it, it starts to integrate into my nervous system”. Because neuroscientists have found, it only takes 90 seconds to feel a sensation before it moves through the body.
And so, for telling ourselves a story on repeat, we’re going to keep feeling those things, and then our identity comes from that, and then we limit ourselves in all these other ways, thinking “I can only have this much” or we have these unconscious programs with our family to say “We were raised with a family that says life is hard, then our life starts getting easier as we start doing the inner work, we may have an unconscious bond or a loyalty of like “Oh, I won’t feel accepted, or safe, or included, or belong in my family system”, so then, we have to look a layer deeper to just get still and see what’s playing out so that we no longer have to unconsciously live out of what we think is possible and live into a greater, expansive reality.
[10:10] Sahara
Isn’t it funny how they designed it, it’s like, the thing that you really want most in life, you’ve got to have the exact opposite of it.
And in my own experience, I started writing my next book about joy, about a year and a half ago, and it just wasn’t coming through. Like, I would write and I’m just like “This is too simple, it’s too basic, like, there’s got to be more to this”. And normally, when I write a book, I’m like, in the channel and I’m, like, in relationship with the book, and it’s, like, merging through me, but this one is just – so, I kind of, just, like, would put it aside and I learned I had to experience the deepest realms of grief, to know joy.
[10:42] Alyssa
That’s right, that’s right.
[10:43] Sahara
And God created, you know, this experience for me to be like “What does a dark night of the soul look like? You know, what does feeling, just like, pure darkness, feel like?”, because I did not know that thing before. So, I would love to hear your experience of, like, what was you desire and then what was the opposite that you experienced?
[11:01] Alyssa
I think my core story, and a big part of humanity’s core story is “I’m not good enough”, “I’m inadequate in some way”. And so, we have different ways to look for love, safety, attention, approval in the world.
And one way that it’s come up for me is through success, “If I’m successful enough then I won’t feel this way”. But ironically, every time I’ve been willing to stop and face and feel the very thing that I’ve run away from, it’s given me the wholeness, the experience beyond worthiness. There’s, like, levels of worth in my frame that I use, which is “I’m not good enough, I am good enough”, both egoic, but both helpful, we want healthy, integrated egos, and then there’s beyond worthy.
So, the idea of measuring our worth doesn’t even comprehend in that state of consciousness, it’s just beyond any idea of worthy, like, how could you measure everything and what you are.
So, by, ironically, embracing the parts of me that didn’t feel successful, didn’t feel good enough, started to compare myself, by just stopping and being willing to face those things.
And I’ll just share a recent experience. So, I was launching my coaching certification program, and I’ve done it for three years, and we weren’t hitting the numbers that we typically had, in a way, designed as the first three days, I know how the launch is going to do. And I went to straight to strategy, I was like “Oh, I can change this and I can keep improving it”, and that’s great, to be resilient and resourceful, but I was subtly avoiding just feeling disappointment, grief. I put so much of my heart and soul into it, financially, energetically, you know, all the things, and I let myself just stop and make peace with exactly where I was. I went to the feelings, not as a story, and it’s really important to say this, it’s like, to feel it as a sensation with presence, started to integrate it and I instantly felt free, I was no longer running away from those things. And every time I’ve done this, it’s happened this way. But as I did that and I made peace with what I was knowing, and there’s a part of me that already knew, everyone that’s meant to be in this, will be in this, and my humanity was just caught.
And so, letting our essence embrace our ego and really feel what we’ve been avoiding, helps us instantly open. And so, I got to a place of peace with it and I stopped tracking the numbers, and, ironically, at the end of the launch, it ended up being the most successful launch that we have done. But that only started happening after I faced what I had been avoiding.
And this is again, and again, and again, it’s part of – there’s gems hidden within all of it. And sometimes it’s wrapped in scull paper, and we don’t want to go there, but who we become, or the capacity of our human experience, the range that we get to develop within ourselves, because, you’re right, as we feel the hard stuff, it also opens more light, the dark is connected to the light. So, there isn’t even – it’s just a part of our full-range experience.
And I think, sometimes, people can try to manage and manipulate outside world so that they don’t feel certain ways, but that creates a lot of anxiety because we can’t control things outside of ourselves.
And so, the other way to really live is to stretch the capacity to be with our range, in our human experience, letting our essence, the truth of our being meet these parts of us that are scared or, you know, caught up in things happening a certain way, and really allow them to be exactly as they as, that they don’t need to be different. And as we embrace them, we start to feel our wholeness, our spiritual nature, our presence. And in that, that’s a greater level of freedom, you know.
[14:33] Sahara
And it’s so true because it even happens in, like, micro ways, in micro lessons in your life. Like, I look back on my early 20s and what I wanted more than anything was to know my purpose, know my dharma, know who I am, so, the situation that I was in, was my parents, very much, trying to dictate the path that I’m in, because I needed to confront, head-on, what does it look like to not live your purpose or to give up your power for me to reclaim my own.
And then, even in relationship, I would say my biggest fear was being abandoned, you know, like, not being in relationship anymore. So, I would do anything to stay in relationship except whatever the thing was, and I had to experience the end of my marriage to be like “Oh, I actually am okay on my own. In fact, I’m even happier on my own”. And when you’re in those experiences, it feels like “This is, like, the worst thing that could ever happen to me. It was, like, designed to be the worst thing that ever happened to me”, specifically, based off of my fears, and it was.
[15:31] Alyssa
The death to the ego is a win to your soul. And as we really face life knowing, it’s like, everything that is presented, we can use for our freedom, we can use for our awakening. And as we do that, we don’t have to try to manage and control, and we feel more surrendered as a result, it’s like “Can I be with this?”, whatever this is, in our current experience. And if we take it deeper into fully, fully, accepting it, ironically, we feel our wholeness, we feel our connection.
You know, I think a lot of people in relationships they may feel a sense of loneliness, for example, and they look for a partner to fill them, but then they still feel lonely in partnership.
And so, the direct way to insource, rather than outsource our needs, is to be with this part of us to feel lonely, to breath into it, to love it, to be with it, really embracing that ego. And as we do, it’s like, we not only feel our wholeness, but we radiate, and we shine, and we attract a different type of partner, because it’s super attractive not to be needy, clingy, feeling like all the dynamics that we play out in partnership unconsciously, it’s like “How can I be that for these parts of myself?” And then, a partnership gets to blossom however it wants to blossom without it, putting all of our inner problems for the outer solution to fix it, which will never happen.
[16:48] Sahara
So, for someone listening to this, that they’re like “Well, I don’t really know what’s my big core desire”, how can they understand what it is for them?
[16:55] Alyssa
Their desire?
[16:56] Sahara
Yeah, like, that thing that they really want in life, like, whether it’s the worthiness piece for you, like, how did you come to understand that theme?
[17:04] Alyssa
Yeah. Core wound, for me, was, okay, I like open-ended question, so it’s like, if I am, whatever you’re searching for. So, I love the Enneagram, I think it’s a beautiful map of the human psyche, it’s not who we are, it’s the psychology, right? So, very important, ego vs essence.
So, our personality is really designed in these nine types, and anybody can look into the Enneagram.
[17:26] Sahara
Can you just briefly tell us, like, the number and the type?
[17:28] Alyssa
Sure. So, the 1 is the perfectionist – they look for perfection in the world, but they also don’t want to feel wrong, they try to be perfect. So, the 1 is the perfectionist.
The 2 is the helper – they’re so easy to be around people and yet, sometimes, their work is to identify with what their needs are, rather than just giving to others (having boundaries), very, like, service profession type people.
The 3 is the achiever – unconsciously. And there’s gifts in all of these two, and this is a whole map, so I’m just, like, the bite-size piece of it and the shadow part of it so that we can identify the wound. The 3 is the achiever. So, unconsciously, they think they’re worth is through what they achieve, what they do. So, really, un-detaching who they are from what they do, is important work.
[18:12] Sahara
Very Pitta. And this is my second one, your first one, right?
[18:15] Alyssa
Yeah. And the 4 is the individualist, and they’re usually the creatives, the romantics. And sometimes, they can wallow in the past, but they want to bring beauty out in the world, so they are like the soul deep divers, they’re willing to go into the dark night of the ego, right?
[18:32] Sahara
I feel like I’ve become this one. All I do is, like, cry and think about love all day.
[18:38] Alyssa
And so, like, there’s beauty, right, in all of them, and there’s challenges in all of them.
And then there’s the 5, the investigator. These are – think more of professors, they find their value in the world through what they know, through knowledge.
The 6s are the loyalists, and these, they like routine, they like regular, they like structure, security, knowing, and yet, they can worry a lot. So, mindset work is really good for sixes.
The 7s are the enthusiasts.
[19:03] Sahara
These are mine.
[19:04] Alyssa
Yes! Like, so fun, high vibe, like, just like the life of the party. And sometimes, 7s can jump from one thing to another without real mastery, going into one.
[19:12] Sahara
Yeah, very Vata. I’m like “Let’s travel, let’s do this, let’s do that, let’s go!”
[19:16] Alyssa
So fun! And then, the 8 is the challengers. And they take on the big challenges of the world and sometimes people cannot feel safe with them, and so, they try to control and manage life outside of them so that they feel safe. But often times, they have really hard upbringings, and it can be direct. So, not everybody likes that.
Whereas the 9s are the peacemakers. These are the people that are hanging out in Bali all the time, you know, finding peace, and they don’t like conflict and they haven’t really fully explored their own anger. And they’re very easy-going but wanting to – part of the work for them is to have a voice, have an opinion and speak their truth.
So, all of them, again, have their gifts. And what I find is that, typically, the core wound, it can be easy to find what it is once you know your Enneagram type.
And so, my experience is that we’re looking for safety and belonging and acceptance in the world through these 9 different types. We’re looking for – it’s almost like the ego’s looking for what the soul already has the medicine for. So, we’re looking outside vs going into a deeper dimension of our being. And when we go into our being, we discover everything we thought would be through achieving success, joy out in the world, it’s just within ourselves.
And so, I find that to be a really beautiful succinct map to just navigate our own human psyche, and I think that can help people just get a first, fresh start.
[20:38] Sahara
Yeah, and I think looking at – because we have multiple of them, right? We have like our first one and then two winds, is that how?
[20:44] Alyssa
Yeah. So, if I’m a 3, then I may have a 2 and a 4 on either side, and my wing, I’ll lean more towards one. But, you know, it’s like, you speak different languages but you have a core native tongue. So, this is like if I’m a 3 or if you’re a 7, then that’s your main thing. And as you do more work, you become more evolved and you have less of the types, you have more gifts of all of them.
[21:07] Sahara
Yeah, because when I took the Enneagram quiz, years ago, I was like, very 7, and now, I do feel like that is who I am, but now, when you said some of the other ones, I’m like “Oh, I definitely can see myself in that 4, I can see myself in the peacemaker one”, and I think that’s really what we’re here to do, we’re here to really tap into these different sides of ourselves.
[21:24] Alyssa
Yeah. And what’s important, because, sometimes you take a test and it will say you’re compared to three, top three, you have to type in your own personality. And again, it’s our personality, not who we are. So, I don’t like labels in that sense because then we can box ourselves in. And as a 3, they say that 3s don’t feel their emotions. Now, I would say that emotional mastery is one of my gifts.
[21:44] Sahara
And you’re a Cancer, I mean, come on!
[21:46] Alyssa
Yeah. And so, just knowing that about ourselves and the motives where we do something from, is important to understand.
So, 8s can be successful, and so can 3s, but 8s do it for power, unconsciously, and 3s do it for worth, so, the come-from is different.
And so, as people are taking the test, they can just find for themselves, where’s the come-from, from them.
So, if I am afraid from feeling not worthy or I feel too much or too little, or any of those stories, then the invitation is, as soon as life triggers that, to slow down, to get still and to be with that part of me, so that I can proactively learn to move through it and not get so triggered by life events and situations, or keep playing that out in partnership.
[22:30] Sahara
So good! So, you have an embodied enquiry on beliefs, which I just love because I feel, we need to also bring in the body the somatic elements into these things, because we can be just like “Oh, it’s not true”, and it’s like “Well, your body is still believing it”. So, what does your embodied enquiry look like?
[22:47] Alyssa
I love the power of questions because it elicits our own truth and answers, we’re not giving it to anyone.
So, if it’s like “Who am I?”, you could even use the Enneagram, “Who am I when I’m not striving for success?”, “Who am I when I’m not helping others?”. So, asking ourselves questions so that we can pop out of the perceptual filters of who we think we take ourselves to be is a profound space to be in. But also bringing conscious awareness into the unconscious patterns that we play out, “What do I do when I believe that thought?”, “What do I fear would happen if I let go of that thought?”, can sometimes highlight the subconscious story that’s holding on. So, we may know that we need to do something, but we’re not doing it.
And so, often times, there can be a competing desire that gets created. So, it’s like “I want to be seen, I want to grow my business, but I’m scared of what people will think of me”, so, they are at war inside of themselves. And so, rather than creating a strategy from this place, it’s about looking at “How is this part of me, that’s scared, trying to serve me?”, so, we have a compassionate lens because we can’t change anything that we’re identified with and we’re judging. And so, the opposite is true, if we accept it and we’re not identified with it, we’ve got more space to let it move through.
And so, asking ourselves questions like “Is this pattern new or familiar?”, and when we feel it in our bodies, we can even tune into, even if anybody listening, is like, find a contraction in our body right now, wherever it is. And Sahara, where do you find one right now on your body?
[24:16] Sahara
My shoulders.
[24:17] Alyssa
Yeah. So, if you bring your awareness, dropping it into your shoulders, with just curiosity, not trying to change it or get rid of it, and breathe into it, allowing it to be here, exactly as it as, with infinite space, and just opening to the sensations that are here. Everybody doing this, while we’re also doing it together, what do you notice as you breathe into and allow it to be here?
[24:43] Sahara
Just naturally dissolves.
[24:45] Alyssa
That’s right. And so, that tells us that everything is looking to be met with presence. And often times, we can stay stuck in our head, trying to change something, but we’re further patterning and getting identified with it.
And so, you could also do some work, if you want to go deeper into it. You can find a contraction in your body and you can feel into “Is it the size of a golf ball or a grapefruit?”, “Is it inside the body, outside the body?”. And it’s good, especially for busy minds, to start asking more questions to get a vision of it, but as soon as you have the visual of it, you want to drop that because that’s one further removed from the direct experience of it.
And so, as you know, you can play with it, it’s like “Oh, it’s in my heart”, and “When was the first time I felt this way?”, just asking powerful questions, and then an image, a memory, comes up. Follow whatever is arising in the moment, there’s intelligence in that. But if there’s nothing there, you don’t have to dig.
And the shortcut is just to embrace it. And there’s going to be different parts of us that we get to ham up, that want full expressions. So, we know being a victim is not ideal, and yet, we can play out, unconsciously, victim patterns.
So, one thing that I like to do is consciously complain, and I’ll just let this victim part of me, for 30 seconds, just have the mic and ham it up and just have fun with it so it comes up and out, and then it moves on, then it’s like not such a big deal.
[26:08] Sahara
So, you would journal that out or something?
[26:10] Alyssa
Journal or talk it out, I’ll ham it up with my husband even. So, when, I, sometimes, want to blame him, I’ll ask him “Can you hold?”, and if he’s resourced, he’ll say yes. You always want to have a part of you or another person, someone or something of a dynamic that is present, that is resourced, otherwise it’s just going to be, it’s not going to be healing or helpful.
And so, I’ll ask him “Are you resourced?”, and then I’ll just ham this part of pimped me up, I’ll be like “You are the worst human ever”, and I’ll just start bashing, and he knows it’s not personal. And because I’m hamming it up, it’s lighter and we start laughing and then it moves through.
So, like, all these parts of us just want to be seen, just want to be allowed, and if we can create a space to allow them, then they don’t, unconsciously, play out in our lives, in our businesses, in our relationships, in our creativity, they just are, then, integrated and we’re more aware of them.
So, sometimes asking powerful questions can help us become more aware of the patterns that are playing out, and then, other times, they can help highlight an upper limit or we can do self-inquiry. So, there’s lots of different ways we can use it depending on what the intention is.
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[28:40] Sahara
So, as you were saying this, and starting with the Enneagram, I was thinking “Okay, what are some questions I could ask myself about being a 7, you know?”, and I’m like “Well, I guess I could ask myself, you know, because post this divorce. I’ve just been traveling, which is a pretty 7 thing to do, so I’m like ‘Why have I been traveling’?” So, can you do this on me, I’ll be vulnerable and we can dive into it?
[28:59] Alyssa
Sure! So, what is the intention of it though?
[29:03] Sahara
I want to see this in practice, this questioning of beliefs, and we can start with the Enneagram and see where it takes us.
[29:10] Alyssa
Yeah, yeah. Okay, so, what would be a goal or an intention that you have, that you don’t have at the moment?
[29:15] Sahara
I feel like, right now, I feel pretty ungrounded, I feel like, in this, like, in-between in my life, that, like, the former life has ended, but the new life, I don’t even know where I’m going to live, like, I don’t even know who I am, really, in this. I’m just in this in-between, that it’s all slowly starting to piece together. And the part of me that’s the 3 is like “Okay, sign a lease, get back to work, like, get back into it, let’s go!”, and I’m like “Well, I don’t want to go back to that version of me”. Like, I feel like the 3 was really not me, I just became that, for society, for, you know, success, because of my conditioning, a huge part of was that, so I’m like “I don’t want to go back to being a 3”, but also, this could go on forever, you know. And then part of me is like “Well, maybe I’m just meant to be like a traveler forever and just a traveling mystic”, but then I’m like “Is that me running from something?” So, I’m just, like, sitting with all of it.
[30:08] Alyssa
Okay, okay! And so, what would be the end goal, what would be your intention?
[30:13] Sahara
To know if I should sign a lease.
[30:15] Alyssa
Okay, okay. So, I hear there’s this part of you that is kind of conformed to achieve, to hustle or to really show up with work, and it feels inauthentic. And then there’s another part of you that is, kind of, like, ready to travel and play, but you’re also wanting stability.
[30:34] Sahara
Yes, and I think the 3 part of me judges the 7 part of me.
[30:37] Alyssa
Yeah, so what does the 3 want for you? How is it trying to support and serve you by judging the 7?
[30:43] Sahara
It’s saying “Well, our hard work got us to where we are, got us to the point that we even can travel, so don’t fuck that up!”
[30:49] Alyssa
Aha, aha! And is that valuable for you, Sahara?
[30:52] Sahara
I mean, part of that is true.
[30:54] Alyssa
Yeah, yeah, beautiful! Okay, and then the 7, if we give voice to the 7, what does the 7 want?
[30:59] Sahara
This is a once in a lifetime experience that you have, to travel, that your stuff is in storage and this is a year that you can create anything you want. Do you really just want to go back to living in an apartment and doing the same shit you’ve always been doing?
[31:12] Alyssa
And so, the 7, what does this part of you really want for you? It wants freedom.
[31:16] Sahara
Full expansion.
[31:17] Alyssa
Full expansion, yeah. And so, I hear that these two parts don’t think that they can co-exist, that you can have the success and the expansion and freedom. And is that true?
[31:31] Sahara
No, because I’ve always had those two parts of me, but now it’s just a much more extreme version because, before, it’s like, I had a home to go back to, now I just live out of the suitcase, which does feel very ungrounding because there are a lot of things that I – like, I can’t, even just, like, practicing my dj-ing or painting, or, like, all of these, like, hobbies that I had before, I just can’t when you’re moving places every few days. So, like, that 3 part of me is also like “To build in your creativity, you need to have some form of foundation”.
[32:01] Alyssa
Yeah, and what is the 7 saying in response to that?
[32:04] Sahara
The 7 is like “You’ll figure it out”, like “You can just go travel and DJ, you don’t need to be in an apartment to do that”.
[32:12] Alyssa
Because it wants that, like, it doesn’t want any commitments.
[32:16] Sahara
Exactly! And it’s wondering what else is out there.
[32:20] Alyssa
Yeah. So, you close your eyes and you just breathe into your body and just feel these two parts, and you just welcome whatever got activated through this dialogue between the 3 and the 7.
[32:31] Sahara
Makes me want to laugh.
[32:33] Alyssa
Aha, what comes forward for you?
[32:34] Sahara
I mean, I’m like “Dude, I fuck with the 7! Like, I like her!”
[32:39] Alyssa
Yeah.
[32:40] Sahara
You know.
[32:41] Alyssa
That feels more of your aliveness, more of your authenticity.
[32:43] Sahara
Yeah.
[32:43] Alyssa
Yeah. And so, when you tune in with the smiles, what feels like what she wants to do?
[32:49] Sahara
I mean, I feel the 7 is, it feels like a highest self energy, of like “You don’t need those things that you’ve been conditioned to, make you feel safe”, like “Maybe you needed them up till this point, but you actually don’t need those things”, so, it feels like it’s like, challenging me to just, like, really be in the unknown for however long that it takes. But then, instantly, the 3 comes up of like “Well, you can be in the unknown while having a base”, you know, “It doesn’t need to be this extreme to be in the unknown”, so, it’s like the 3 instantly comes up because, also, I love my work and I love what I do, like, I love being back in LA because I can be here recording with you and catching up with friends and, like, I also find – it’s almost like, wherever I go, I’m like “I’m going to live here forever”, I’m like in Bali, “I’m going to live here forever”, I’m in Egypt, “I think I’m just going to move to Egypt”, so it’s like, it’s almost like you can’t go wrong, and at the same time, my 7 is like “Well, you don’t know what you don’t know”.
[33:45] Alyssa
Yeah, yeah. So, I, if you just even close your eyes and tune into that part of you that is like “I want stability, that 3 part”, see where it’s activated in your body.
[33:55] Sahara
Yeah, it’s, like, a more grounded energy, deeper, but, like, a little boring, denser.
[34:05] Alyssa
Aha, ok. So, let’s…
[34:06] Sahara
That’s my adult side.
[34:07] Alyssa
Yeah, okay. Let’s thank this part of you that wants security, it wants growth, it wants groundedness, because I know you want that as well, so just thanking this part for trying to protect you, for doing what it can to get your attention and just honoring, “I hear you and we won’t make decisions without you”, letting that part know that it has a voice here at the table.
[34:29] Sahara
Yeah, because, instantly it’s like “So, are we signing the lease or not?”
[34:33] Alyssa
And we’re going to get to the strategy, we’ll get to the answer, yeah. But we just get to take a moment, in your body, to pause and really feel into that, to say “Thank you. I don’t need to judge you and I hear the wisdom that you have for me”. You want groundedness, you want stability, but the 7, I also hear judges it as boring and I would question that it’s boring, but what I just want to honor and thank this part, the 3, first, okay?
[34:57] Sahara
It’s my divine masculine, feels like.
[35:00] Alyssa
Aha, yeah. And we need all of it, there’s wisdom in all of it. We’re not judging it, we can hear what that wisdom is, so we’re hearing that this part of you wants your expansion, it wants your growth, it wants stability, yeah. And then, the 7, which you feel more identified with, which is more playful, and freedom, and exploration, and just letting go and the unknown, which is so beautiful about you, Sahara. It’s like, your willingness to just fall into the unknown and just find your way and to experience all of life.
So, what I – this part, the 7, how it is in conflict is, it’s saying it’s boring, the 3 is boring, right? So, as you tune in…
[35:39] Sahara
It feels, not boring, it feels limiting of my full expression and potential, and like, right now, the sky is the limit, do I really want to put a cap on it based off of my former identity?
[35:53] Alyssa
And so, what’s important to you around this part? I want to give this part a little bit more voice.
[35:59] Sahara
Whoever I become in this next year is, like, what I’m going to write my book about, and it’s like, I don’t want it to be like “Oh yeah, I traveled for, like, three months and, like, went back to my life”, I want my Eat Pray Love moment, you know, and, like, live it up. And when am I ever maybe going to get another opportunity like this, that I literally don’t have any responsibilities?
[36:19] Alyssa
Yeah.
[36:20] Sahara
And I don’t want to limit. It all comes down to, like, that limitation piece. However, being in that experience now, of traveling for the past two and a half months, it also comes with the stress and it comes with the, a lot of like, every time I’m feeling anxious, I just go back to looking at apartment leases and feeling like “Oh, that’s going to get me out of this feeling of, like, I’m free-falling and when is this going to end?”
[36:47] Alyssa
Okay. So, are you open to presensing that? Are you open to – I know you and I talked about freedom to vs. freedom from. So, freedom from is that escapism, is that leaving to book another flight and find the next thing vs freedom to be that anxiety, be with the part that feels stuck in service to your expansion.
[37:09] Sahara
And even in the freedom from the unknown is what makes me want to sign a lease, of like “Get me out of this not knowing, I need some certainty in my life”.
[37:18] Alyssa
Yeah. And so, both yes/and. And as we do this work, it starts to be more clear what your authentic yes is, by letting go of the fears on both sides.
And I hear you’re leaning more towards the 7, and I will reflect that and support that, always. And there are ways that you can integrate what’s important to the 3, or you can be with the part that gets anxious and wants stability so that you, insource stability and safety, rather than outsourcing it as you live your vagabond life and travel and play.
So, but even right now, is there any part of you – like, if I were to say, you’re going to be stuck in this place, this room, for the next seven months, is there any part of you that contracts in your body right now?
[38:04] Sahara
Like, getting an apartment and I can’t travel anymore?
[38:07] Alyssa
Yeah.
[38:08] Sahara
Fuck that!
[38:09] Alyssa
Yeah, okay. Where is that in you?
[38:11] Sahara
No, that’s not even a possibility for me.
[38:13] Alyssa
Yes!
[38:14] Sahara
That’s not! It’s just…
[38:17] Alyssa
I know, but I’m going to the extreme, to activate the energy in the body.
[38:19] Sahara
I’m like “No, no, no!”
[38:20] Alyssa
Like, hell no, I’m not doing that! Yes! And where do you notice it in your body, that, like, that contraction, that fear?
[38:28] Sahara
In my heart.
[38:29] Alyssa
Okay. So, if we just close our eyes to go into your heart, and let go of the story, but just to be with that contraction and to say “Yes, to this”, intimately, right now, breathing into it, the sensation of feeling stuck, the sensation of feeling trapped. Are you willing to feel that fully, not as a story, as a sensation, dropping into it, breathing into the sensation of stuck or trapped?
[38:58] Sahara
Yeah, it brings up a feeling of dread.
[39:00] Alyssa
Yeah. And then, be with that feeling of dread, just for a few seconds, just saying yes to it, really getting intimate with this experience, what’s coming up for you right now?
[39:11] Sahara
It took me back to this, like, apartment that I once visited. And it was, like, this tiny apartment with, like, no view, above this, like, convenience store and I remember thinking like “Who the fuck would ever want to live here? Like, oh my god, I would hate living here”, and it took me to that apartment, like “You’re stuck here!”
[39:28] Alyssa
This is the worst ever, yeah! So, be there in your mind, but then just be with the energy of stuck.
[39:34] Sahara
Yeah, it feels like I’m trying to escape from it.
[39:37] Alyssa
Yeah, and if we shift the perspective to welcome, your essence welcomes this energy, this is part of the one, all of it, divine. And just breathing into it, opening your awareness, even around your body, so it’s not limited to a sense of self.
[39:53] Sahara
Yeah, like, my mind goes to “Okay, so, you’re in jail, so make the best of it”.
[39:58] Alyssa
Aha, aha. So, just watch the tendency to go to the mind and then come back to the body, come back to the sensation, and just breathe, feeling into it.
[40:08] Sahara
Yeah, my breath feels like limited in this stuck expression.
[40:12] Alyssa
Aha, and feel open to that. Are you willing to be with this, fully? Just for a moment, and see what happens.
[40:20] Sahara
I can feel the energy, like, move up now to my throat.
[40:22] Alyssa
Aha, so, letting it do whatever it wants to do, no agenda, while you’re feeling and allowing this energy to move through however it wants, and you’re also opening your awareness to allow it to move through the body and around the body, whatever it need and wants to do, there’s intelligence in it. Just with the breath, pure sensation, out of the mind, into the body, breathing, opening.
[40:47] Sahara
It kind of just gets to this feeling like you’re wearing really constricted clothes, you can’t move your arms and you just kind of surrender.
[40:54] Alyssa
Yeah. And what does that surrender feel like?
[40:56] Sahara
Acceptance.
[40:58] Alyssa
Aha, what else? Does it feel heavier or lighter?
[41:01] Sahara
It feels like making the best out of it. Feels definitely less chaotic than the escape energy.
[41:10] Alyssa
Yeah, yeah. And so…
[41:13] Sahara
Complacency even.
[41:14] Alyssa
Yeah, it sounds like complacency, which means there’s a deeper opportunity to be with it, like as if this was never going to leave, if this were your reality.
[41:25] Sahara
It feels like this was my former reality.
[41:27] Alyssa
Yes. And often times, when we thought something was bad from the past, we have fear of projecting it into the future, so we go back to say “How can I really be with that? Look again. Was I really trapped or was it in my mind that I was trapped, about that situation? Was I okay, other than what I was thinking and believing, in that apartment?”
[41:49] Sahara
Yes.
[41:50] Alyssa
Aha. And so, on a somatic level, just tuning into this energy, even a little bit deeper, as if it’s never going to leave, to just breathe into, welcoming it here, infinite space to be exactly as it is, not even of you feeling it, just allowed and felt right now. And just notice, there’s something in your experience, your present experience, that doesn’t mind that this is here. Are you aware of that?
[42:16] Sahara
It feels like maybe a monk energy, just be alone, meditate in your cave.
[42:23] Alyssa
Aha, but is there something in your direct experience right now that is at peace?
[42:26] Sahara
When I see it that way, of this would be my Sadhna, then that gives me peace because then it feels like I’m no longer trapped, but I’m taking it as an opportunity to be by myself in isolation, to dive deeper into myself. And then, that makes it feel like an adventure.
[42:44] Alyssa
Aha, aha. So, there’s like a subtle way that the ego will use it to get out of it, and that’s okay. And so, the invitation…
[42:52] Sahara
Never mind psychology, how can we make this…
[42:54] Alyssa
Which is beautiful, that it’s like “Yes, I’m going to use everything”, that’s great! And yet, if we just genuinely die to this sensation, to this moment, exactly as it is, without trying to manipulate or change it, “Can I be free enough to feel this fully?”
[43:12] Sahara
The image that came up was like, you know when you put on an outfit on your dog and the dog really doesn’t want to wear that one, and they put it on and they’re just kind of stuck, like, just like “Okay, I have an awkward outfit on, I’m just going to stay by myself”.
[43:25] Alyssa
Okay. So, just notice the walls in the room right now, notice the walls and notice this energy that feels stuck, you can even close your eyes if you want. So, feel, do the walls mind that this energy is stuck?
[43:41] Sahara
No, they’re the ones making it stuck.
[43:43] Alyssa
Okay. So, they don’t mind that it’s here. So, if you fully get into relationship with not minding that it’s here, in an authentic and genuine way, whatever part of your experience doesn’t mind, see if you can align with that.
[44:00] Sahara
Yeah, I don’t think the walls have a perception of stuck, they just are. They’ve never experienced another reality.
[44:06] Alyssa
Yeah, exactly. So, the only way to create the illusion of being stuck is through time, is through a comparison.
[44:12] Sahara
Yes.
[44:13] Alyssa
And so, if we caught time and we’re just with what is, breathing into the sensations, allowing it all to be here, notice what that’s like.
[44:23] Sahara
Just feels like in this room, for eternity.
[44:26] Alyssa
So, just right now, without even time, just fully being here, with exactly what’s here, breathing into it, just allowing. So, there may be deeper levels of needing this stuck energy, without trying to avoid or get out of it, and from that, there are going to be moments, Sahara, where you’re stuck and you’re not really stuck As you have a practice of being, ironically, with the stuck energy, and fully meeting it exactly as it is, it no longer has control over you. You don’t have to run away from it in any subtle way.
And then, you are, whether you’re in an apartment, you sign a lease, or you don’t, you have this sense of inner freedom, no matter what.
[45:09] Sahara
I think the time piece is huge because when I look back on myself and the marriage, living in an apartment, the part of me right now is like “Oh, you are stuck”, but that part of me, then, did not think she was stuck at all. It’s me being like “Oh, no, you didn’t know what’s available for you, you could’ve been traveling, you could’ve been this, you could’ve been that”, but she was actually happy.
So, it’s not letting us, like, go – I think, sometimes, when we have, like, deeper awarenesses or different awarenesses, then we go back to judging those versions of ourselves.
[45:39] Alyssa
Yeah, yeah. And there’s wisdom in all of it. So, there’s a part of you that wants stability and there’s a part of you that wants greater, fuller expression and freedom. And yes, both and, you could have both. And part of the way is, at least in a deep way, to feel free enough to feel stuck, to actually feel stuck. And as you do that, it no longer makes choices to run away from, subtly, any feelings of confinement.
[46:03] Sahara
So, my meditation practice should just ne feeling stuck.
[46:07] Alyssa
With presence, with resource.
[46:08] Sahara
Okay!
[46:10] Alyssa
With presence, with source, you, I can consciously feel stuck. And some of these ones that are core, especially the Enneagram core wound, it’s like, either something will, life will provide an opportunity to actually be with it, or we can proactively, like an iceberg, keep chipping away until it dissolves.
[46:28] Sahara
This is huge for me! Wow, that’s my core wound, feeling stuck! I never realized that before this.
[46:34] Alyssa
A lot of 7s are entrepreneurs, they’re looking for the next thing. And really, the joy is in your being, is in the presence of your being, is in the deeper dimension of your being. The real success is in a deeper dimension of our being.
And so, it’s not out there, it’s going deeper, and again, going through the things that we wouldn’t normally think to look.
[46:55] Sahara
Right.
[46:56] Alyssa
Can I be with this, whatever it is? And then, yes, we stretch that, the range, to feel our human experience and we, authentically, move in the world, to say “Okay, I’ll get an apartment”, but it doesn’t have “Or, I won’t. I want to travel a bit more”, but it doesn’t have so much weight on it because it doesn’t mean anything.
And yet, when the parts of you, if you don’t choose to have an apartment, if the 3 gets activated, you can just say “Thank you for looking for my safety”, and then you offer it the safety or the stability, right? So, rather than looking for the apartment to give it, or the partner to give it, or finances, we offer that to ourselves and we feel an inherent safety that no one can take away, because it’s within our being, it’s within the dimension of who and what we are.
[47:40] Sahara
Yeah, that was a really beautiful process. And I witnessed how my mind kept wanting to reframe it. And even right now, when you said for 7s this is a big thing, my mind went to “Okay, maybe I should do it a Vipassana, maybe I should go to the Himalayas”, it wants to do a…embody the thing
[47:58] Alyssa
Yeah, that’s right. And I do it to all the time! It’s like strategizing so then I don’t feel this.
[48:02] Sahara
I’m like “Okay, Bhutan, booking flights”, yeah.
[48:05] Sahara
Right! And then, so, it’s great, your awareness is super quick, so it’s like “Oh, I’m strategizing so I don’t feel this again”.
And sometimes we can do personal development work as a way to avoid feeling our humanity or waking up, enlightenment, so I don’t feel my humanity. It’s like, what shifts is like these feelings and thoughts, and all of it still comes, but it’s no longer to as someone, it’s just happening, it’s just arising in the moment.
[48:28] Sahara
Yeah, it’s almost like that thing that you really don’t want to feel, like, being stuck. I created my entire life so I never have to feel stuck. I became an entrepreneur, I, you know, try to keep a really, like, lean team and things so I can just go, and do, and create. So, I can’t even relate to someone being like “I’m creatively blocked”, I’m like “Well, just do something”, you know. But it is, my work is in that “Who am I without creating, and seeing things, and inspiring, and movement?”, you know.
[48:57] Alyssa
Yeah, yeah. And it’s beautiful, that’s part of your gift as well. So, I want to make sure that we look at it holistically. So, part of your gift is creativity, and expression, and adventure, and being willing to try different things on in life. But it’s when we’re subtly avoiding something that there’s opportunity for greater freedom. And as we do that deeper work, at the root, we align with activities and opportunities that feel more easy and it doesn’t feel like I have to make a choice, without the fear, it just happens and things are more synchronistic.
[49:29] Sahara
So, I feel a lot of us have this thought that “Well, if I accept it, then I’m complacent to it”, you know. And even for me, when that came up, I felt like the dog who’s like “Okay, I guess I’m just stuck, nothing I can do”.
So, how is acceptance different than complacency?
[49:43] Alyssa
Yeah. I mean, acceptance is not arguing with what’s happened. So, it’s like, it’s insane to think that “If I judge this, whatever this is that has already happened, then I’m going to have it change”. But we can be, I call it surrendered action, we can be proactive, high engagement/low attachment, because it’s only the attachment that hurts. I’m not saying things should or should not happen, I don’t pretend to know that, but I do know that whatever does happen, I can use and get in alignment with because if I order a pink couch and a blue couch came, me judging that it should’ve been a pink couch doesn’t actually help the situation. So, I don’t use my energy by judging or pushing it away. I come into alignment, and if I don’t, then I have the tools to let my human, my egoic self, that wants to complain or have its tantrum, let that, consciously, express so that I can come into an alignment with what is. And then, from there, use my energy to what’s creating and what’s true and alive for me.
[50:41] Sahara
Yeah. I feel like we often think “Well, if I accept this thing, that means it’s going to be like this forever”, or “That means I deserved it”, you know.
So, like, for example, let’s say, I don’t know, a friend of yours said something rude to you and you’re like “Well, that’s not okay, and what she said was not okay and I did not deserve to be spoken to in that way”, how can we, now, come into a place of acceptance when, maybe, they did speak to us in a way that was not what we desired or deserved?
[51:09] Alyssa
Yeah, because that still comes from acceptance as complacent. So, we can say “They spoke to me that way and I’m choosing not to have them in my life anymore. I can still have boundaries and do what feels good for me. I can also choose to get a divorce and be pissed off or at peace, because of the inner work that I did. The action is the same, the inner work is my gift to myself, my consciousness, my freedom”. And if it’s not authentic, then let ourselves grieve or have a tantrum or do our work, I mean, this is all a choice we can choose – one way of not doing the work, we can choose the other way, which is doing the work so that we can come to a place of peace and still choose the leave the marriage, or still choose to set boundaries and not hang out with that person or have them in our lives.
[51:55] Sahara
Yeah, that has been so huge for me too because, you know, having just gotten divorced, it’s like, I started reading different books and I can really feel the energy of the author, and some are just like, these like, angry books, you know, of like “Never have this happen to you again”, and blah, blah, blah, but I’m like “I don’t want to feel that way”. Like, I don’t want to hold onto regret or anything because it was also amazing and it’s what made me who I am today and I want to always look back on those years with, like, happy memories and remembering all of the good, because it’s like, you would never be with someone if you didn’t also love them and see the light in them. And that’s what I want to hold on to.
[52:29] Alyssa
That’s right! And that’s such a gift! I mean, I think that that’s one of the gifts of you doing this work and being so vocal about it and just so out, because the people can see that there’s a different way than what mainstream society teaches us, that we can keep our heart open. And even if we’re keeping out heart open, or a closed heart, that when we keep our heart open, that’s a gift to us. When we forgive, that’s a gift to us.
[52:53] Sahara
Yes.
[52:53] Alyssa
It’s not about them.
[52:54] Sahara
It doesn’t make what they did right or acceptable, it’s just “I’m not going to hold onto it anymore”.
[52:59] Alyssa
“And hurt myself”, That’s right, yeah.
[53:01] Sahara
So, I wanted to talk about this word deserve.
[53:04] Alyssa
Yeah.
[05:04] Sahara
“I didn’t deserve that”. How is this word really holding us back?
[53:09] Alyssa
This idea that, you know, this comes from this right/wrong dynamic, like “This is what shouldn’t happen and this is what shouldn’t”, and then, also, any time we deserve something, there’s going to be a different environment where we don’t deserve it. And it just pendulums with this made-up understanding of who we think we are and what we think we deserve.
[53:26] Sahara
I love that! If you feel like you deserve something, that means you feel like you don’t, you have to have both then.
[53:31] Alyssa
Yeah. And I think people, unintentionally, use this, like “You deserve that” or “You deserve this”, but if it has anything to do with our deservability, then we’re going to try to earn our worth, we’re going to try to prove something, and that’s just inauthentic.
And so, it’s like “You didn’t deserve that”, well, I understand the deeper intention, but I think the words are important. And so, realizing we are all inherently whole, all inherently worthy, from there, then it’s not about deserving or not deserving, it’s about being willing to say “This is what was presented to me in life and what can I use it to teach me? What is life showing me or assisting me to see through this?”, because then we have an empowered point of view, rather than thinking “I’m trying to manipulate life” or “It’s their problem or their fault”, pointing fingers outside. The real work is the inside.
So, again, I just flip the frame because this idea that you deserve it is too limiting. The truth of who you are, there’s no definition the mind could put on us that would capture who we really are.
Actually, even to go further into this, it’s like, there was a part of my life, there was so much in my life where I thought I wasn’t good enough and I would – it was a paralyzing, gripping thought that every time something happened that it didn’t go the way I thought it should, it was like “Well, I’m not successful enough”, or “I’m not this enough”, and it was my mind, finding evidence for how that was true, right. The mind’s not that intelligent. You tell it a story and it’ll find only evidence for why it’s true, you flip it, it does the opposite.
So, I started looking at this and when I would actually not feel deserving, that’s when I started realizing the paradox of transformation. When I would feel not deserving, as a sensation, and brace it, it opened me to my wholeness. And that’s when I started, “Oh, there’s gems in here”. But also, what happened was, I went from not good enough to “I’m beyond any story”, it was like, more of a spiritual awakening. And that’s beautiful, but I also realized I needed to comb through the “I deserve this” conversation too, the ego conversation of feeling like “I do deserve this”, so I could let things in, in a very healthy, integrated ego.
But ultimately, I think most people hang there and they don’t really question who is it that they think they are and what do they think they are deserving. And really, then, if they believe that, they’re a victim to life. And if you think that you’re a victim, you’re in a room, locking the key, throwing it away. It’s like, this idea of deserving or not deserving is made up, and there’s later times in our lives where we look back and we’re like “That was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me. It was hard and I learned so much for it and I’m grateful for the gifts”.
[56:06] Sahara
When you meditate on that energy of not deserving, I feel like a lot of us who have studied manifestation, then we have this fear of like “Well, if I’m consciously feeling that, then aren’t I going to manifest?” And I feel like that was even blocking me from not wanting to really just, like, feel the stuck, because I didn’t want to manifest.
[56:23] Alyssa
I’ve been there, I’ve been there, yes! And my experience is that, the fear is a lower vibrational state. And so, it’s not like you’re going to call it in, it’s actually real – my experience with manifestation is that, as we do the core work, as we do shadow work and really move through it, we drop in the image of what we want to experience from the field of pure potential, from that meditative state of like – it’s not even a state, it’s beyond states – but we drop it into the field and it instantly happens. It’s so much more accelerated because we’ve cleared away the fears and the subconscious misunderstandings.
If we don’t feel like we deserve something, we’re not going to manifest it or maintain it. And so, a lot of the work that I do is around worth because “I don’t feel worthy”, “I do feel worthy”, “I’m beyond any story of worth”, right, and so, every level is helpful. But you are going to experience more freedom by the willingness to go to the depths of whatever – not in a story state – again, as a sensation. Go to the depths of what you’re afraid of and be with it, as long as it’s within the window of tolerance. And this is for healthy, integrated egos, not people that have had a big T trauma, I would say, make sure that you do that with a therapist. And there’s different parts of our journey that – because this is some core, heavy deep work. It’s only heavy in the mind, not in the body, it’s actually really instant and powerful if we’re willing to surrender to it somatically. There’s no fear in it, ironically, if we’re willing to face it, we get free and from that field of no fear, we manifest way more, it’s more accelerated.
[57:58] Sahara
Because the emotion is there, regardless, you know. It’s not like “Oh, if I don’t feel it, it’s going to go away”, it’s like, it’s there so you might as well fully feel it so it can dissolve.
[58:07] Alyssa
That’s right, yeah! And integrate, so you don’t have to keep projecting it in the future. It’s like that, it’s almost like, sometimes we don’t know if we have a story until it’s gone. It’s like the refrigerator hum, it’s just always there and it stops, we’re like “Oh, we’re a whole other reality”. And so, that hum is also, at some level, manifesting right?
And so, why not have the courage to just test it and experiment for one time and see what happens when we’re willing to go there.
[58:34] Sahara
And this is why questioning our beliefs helps us get ahead of these situations, because then you start to notice that little hum though inquiry, that you don’t need to have these big breakdowns and explosions in life, to realize that they were there all along.
[58:49] Alyssa
Yeah. And, like, love moves towards everything. Your nature is loving, it’s like, it moves towards everything. The ego, we just – essence just embraces all of it. And when we’re not identified and in fear states, it’s a lot easier just to say “Can I be with this?”, and say yes to whatever the moment is presenting – thoughts, emotions, relational patterns, it’s all a gift, helping us evolve.
[59:15] Sahara
So, let’s say, for example, you were, I don’t know, applying for being on a show and you didn’t get chosen, so the feeling came up of “I’m not deserving”, “I’m not good enough”, how would you alchemize that?
[59:27] Alyssa
I would stop to get curious, where is it in my body, I would bring my awareness down into that activation. So, there’s a way that you can go into your mind, look down vs. dropped back and in to – it’s often times in your throat, your heart and your gut, the core stuff.
So, drop into it, with presence, open to feeling it, allowing it to be here. And as you do, just like you did with the tension in your shoulder, that energy was more neutral, so it moved through. Whereas, earlier, with the fear of being stuck, that has got more charged, that’s more important to you, so it’s less neutral. But I would just be with that energy, as a sensation, for 90 seconds, and it starts to clear, every single time.
And we know that if we keep ruminating on it or it keeps cycling, that means we’re thinking a thought that is creating the existence of it.
So, if it doesn’t move in 90 seconds, then we’re in an image or we’re in a story about it, rather than feeling the direct experience of it.
[1:00:28] Sahara
So, you just feel it, and do you try to get to where did this come from, or what is this telling me? Or do you just feel, without any mind?
[1:00:36] Alyssa
I do both. If it feels emotionally charged, then, sometimes, I’ll give it a voice, I’ll give it expression, and any expression, it can be dance, yelling, it can be sound, it can be words, it can be journaling. And then I will bring presence to it where, literally, essence is embracing ego. And then, other times, it feels just more somatic.
And some people, somatic work is great for them because people that, specifically, know a lot about themselves but haven’t changed, somatic work is great because it’s this back door in, it’s on the nervous system level rather than the intellectual level.
Other times, people just love somatic work, it works well for them, but some people, it doesn’t. So, we want to really develop our range and understand how we’re wired.
4s in the Enneagram can really – a tendency is to wallow in the past, feel regret, but because they’re so fiercely willing to go to the depths, sometimes they can get stuck there. And so, learning mindset work for that type of individual, helps them understand what was the thought that created this emotion, helps them balance and then feel more present and productive moving forward nn creating whatever they want to create in the world.
[1:01:41] Sahara
I love that so much because when we’re feeling that thing, it’s so easy to, then, for me, to get into the mind, like “Where did it come from?” and “Who are you?”, and just to like feel it and just know, in 90 seconds, it will move and you don’t need to get to the bottom of, like, its root thing right now, and you know.
And there are other things that I love to do of like, taking it out and what color and texture is it. And sometimes that helps you, like, not identify with it anymore, as you, but to see it from the outside perspective of like “Oh, like, it’s this, like, boogery mucus thing”, it’s this energy of disgust and, like, that’s not me. And then to be able to watch it transform into something else, and even, like, turn into another shape and put it back into your body, it’s just, like, really amazing practices to be able to – yeah, like, somatically engage with these things that we’re holding on to.
[1:02:31] Alyssa
Yeah. And a lot of the work in the somatic work is that it arises, it shows us. So, if we have this, kind of, top-down approach, we’re like “This is the tool, with seven steps”, that’s good for a moment and when we’re learning and things. But with the somatic world, there’s no road map. Life is intelligent, the body knows.
And so, as you create an environment for healing and transformation, it will arise. So, there may be a memory that arises, and you follow that; there may be a story that is highlighted, and you can question that. But I like having an integrative method and framework so that people can be met in different ways, understanding that we’re all wired differently, that we all need something different, in different moments.
So, working it mentally, emotionally, somatically, behaviorally and unconsciously, that is part of the work that helps us feel more ourselves, feels like. And so, sometimes, things are going to require you to understand where did it come from, was it – often times it’s our childhood, right? But not always, sometimes there’s a misunderstanding that’s more helpful to clear now, finding our power, finding our voice in a situation we felt powerless through.
But no matter what, you will always come back to allowing the energy to just fully express and meeting it with compassion and love, and then, from there, you take action in a way that’s more aligned, rather than trying to – you know, sometimes people try to strategize from division and fear, and it’s never going to be helpful if you do that. It’s like, the willingness to do the inner work first, and then the outer work, is going to be so much more sustainable and easy, because we’re not trying to prove ourselves or avoid feeling something through the end goal.
[1:04:09] Sahara
And before we leave, there’s something that you shared with me years ago, and it’s always stuck with me, and it’s like, the path of awakening going, like, upwards, downwards and through.
[1:04:18] Alyssa
Yeah.
[1:04:18] Sahara
Can you share with us?
[1:04:19] Alyssa
I love it! I find that awakening spirituality, it’s like, having frameworks is really helpful to orient. So, there’s this beautiful man named Lock Kelley, he talks about, there’s waking up, so, waking up, it’s like “I’m not just this body-mind”; waking down “Well, I have a body-mind but I’m more than a body-mind”; and then waking out, and which is really awakened living, living with a really free and open heart and mind.
[1:04:44] Sahara
And you see this happen so much. You know, sometimes I go back to looking at, like, old pictures I would screenshot, you know, and, like, the things I would screenshot 10 years ago, like “You can astral project to different places”, and like “We don’t exist and we’re timeline jumping”, and, like, all of those, that was, like, my entry point to all of this, kind of like, it was more new-age, I would say, and then, you know, now, it’s much more about embodiment, and pleasure, and earth. But then, also, it’s like, and we’re none of it, we’re everything and we’re nothing.
[1:05:14] Alyssa
It’s the paradigm.
[1:05:15] Sahara
Sometimes I’m just like “I don’t even exist at all”. And then you can dance in all the realms and go back to them and be like “Oh yeah, like…”, you don’t have the judgment of “This is the path”, “No, that is the path”, and then they’re like battling against each other, and it’s like, they’re all tickets to the same place.
[1:05:28] Alyssa
That’s right! They all lead to the same place. And I think there’s different medicine on our journeys, at different times. So, as we follow what is true and alive for us, it will lead us to what’s meant for us in that moment to really get. And we have to be willing to let go of everything we’re learned, to stay true to “What is this moment teaching me and what can I learn from this?”
But I love that frame and I love you and I love this, like, continuous expression and unfolding of the beauty of who you are. It’s been such a gift to have you in my life and I honor it.
[1:05:59] Sahara
Likewise! I loved diving into all of these different topics with you, there’s just so much that we can discuss, and you’re just such a breath of knowledge and information, but also, like, so lovely in the way that you present it and make it so relatable.
So, where can listeners connect with you further?
[1:06:15] Alyssa
Yeah, they can go alyssanobriga.com or follow me on Instagram.
[1:06:20] Sahara
And we’ll have that link in the show notes.
[1:06:22] Sahara
Well, thank you, guys, so much for tuning in. If you love this Episode, please leave a review for it in the iTunes Store and I will send you a free gift of my Womb Meditation. So, this is a little 7-minute meditation you can do to your womb’s wisdom and it really helps you get the answers that you are seeking from within your body.
So, you can head over to the iTunes Store, leave a review, take a screenshot before hitting submit and email it over to me at [email protected] and you can find that link in the show notes.
Thank you so much for tuning in, and I’ll see you in the next one. Namaste!
Episode #487: How Everyday Triggers Become The Breadcrumbs To Our Awakening with Alyssa Nobriga
By Sahara Rose