How do you keep the FIRE (Pitta) up when you’re starting to feel like roommates?
I explore this in this episode, as I prepare for my wedding next summer (and definitely want to keep the fire going for the LONG run!) Is it possible? Let’s discuss! For more on this topic, check out Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity.
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Intro + Outro Music: Silent Ganges by Maneesh de Moor Let’s take the discussion further in the Mind-Body Balancers FB group: www.facebook.com/groups/1213662491998309/
Discover Your Dosha (Mind-Body Type) with my free quiz: iamsahararose.com
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Episode 137 – How to Preserve Passion in Long Term Relationships
with Sahara Rose
By Sahara Rose
Namaste. It’s Sahara Rose and welcome back to the “Highest Self” podcast. A place where we discuss what makes you your soul’s highest evolvement. This episode of the “Highest Self” podcast is brought to you by Chosen Foods, a San Diego-based health food company best known for starting the avocado oil craze. They offer a variety of healthy fats and clean label products including avocado oil mayo and avocado oil-based salad dressings. Bringing people back into the kitchen they are helping people on their wellness journeys through the promotion of natural, real food made with clean label ingredients.
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So I head over to my Instagram Story where I’m polling you guys everyday—@iamsahararose if you’re not following me there—and I asked you guys: what are the things that you do to keep intimacy alive in your long term relationships? Now why I ask this was because, well, I just got engaged at the end of June. Check out my podcast episodes about that, what a surprise it was, flash forward a month later, what a disaster the wedding planning was.
So it’s been this ride and I’m learning just so much about marriage, and how long-term love, and how it takes so many spectrums, and forms, and I’m really diving into this topic. And I also read this great book by Esther Perel called “Mating in Captivity,” and been tapping in more into love and what that means. And I did a podcast episode with some on open relationships, and I’m just trying to understand just different people’s point of views. So I want to share with you some of the advice that fellow listeners gave me on maintaining lust, passion, and romance long term, as well as share my own, and you know, just remain an open channel for what comes through. So we’ll see what happens.
So essentially what happens when you’re in a long-term relationship—and again, if you’re not in a long term relationship, please, continue listening to this because this is stuff that people should know before they get into the long term relationship. You know, this is actually where you do the work, when you’re out of the relationship. So and if you’re in one it’s never too late, we’re just kind of screwed a little bit. No, I’m kidding.
But what happens when you’re in a long-term relationship is the beginning of the relationship I like to say is the vata, it’s the air. The vata is the dosha, the energy type, the archetype that is floaty, and it is excited, and it is spontaneous. And it’s like you meet someone and instantly you’re like, “Oh, what countries do you want to travel to? Like where do you want to go? Like what do you want to do long term?” And you’re like so excited to just like talk to them, and “What are your beliefs on aliens? Like what about chem trails? Like what about crystals?” And you just want to jazz out on every topic that’s ever been on your mind because you’re so stoked to have a human being that gets it.
And it’s so exciting and you can just talk for hours and you’re just giddy, you’re giddy all the time. And it’s really the best feeling ever because it’s like you have this little thing in your pocket which is like your crush, and you can always every time you’re waiting in line, “Ah, my crush.” Every time something happens, “Oh, well I have a crush now.” And it really is such a beautiful feeling of life.
So the beginning of the relationship is the vata, it’s excited, and a lot of times in that period is when we say things that we don’t follow up on. Oh yeah, we’re going to go to Africa next month, and then he ghosts you. You know, the ghost is made of air, the ghost doesn’t exist, that is a vata thing. So just as excited you are about someone, as fast as you are to move away from them. So I know I used to be like this, like I would just get sick of people really fast. Like I don’t know, something, they just looked at me weird, I don’t know, I’m just over them, over them, over them.
And when you have a lot of vata you’re just a very excitable, fast-moving person. So what happens a lot of the time is just as your personality shifts, your taste, and partner shifts too. And then the things that made you excited are actually not exciting to you anymore, something else is exciting, someone else is exciting. So it shifts and it moves fast, and this is not just for vata people, this is the beginning of the relationship in general as a characteristic is this sort of up in the air time. There’s nothing quite yet tangible yet. You’re saying things but nothing has quite yet happened. You don’t have stake in the game so it’s really easy to talk big cause you don’t have to really back it up yet.
So it is a time that a lot of people ghost, a lot of people flee and fly, you don’t really know if that person’s dating other people, but that’s also what makes it so exciting. You don’t know if they’re dating other people, is it just me? Do they really like me? Ooh, what do they think about? And that is also what creates this level of interest, which turns into passion. When you two really do choose each other, then it moves into the pitta, it moves into the action. It is like okay, like I want you, you want me, what are we going to do now? And it’s like this football game of like you move left, I move right.
And it’s exciting because you start to dance this beautiful salsa dance of a romance and lust, and that’s when the fire comes through. And it’s the passion, it is the dedication, and there tends to be one person in the relationship who’s a little bit more pitta who’s more like, okay, what’s your five-year plan, where do you see this going? Like when do you want to get married, how many kids do you want to have? Like there tends to be one person more in the relationship. And not to generalize, but it tends to be the more masculine partner—does not mean they are a man—but tends to be the person more in the masculine that is doing the leading, the person that’s more in the feminine that does more of the following.
Again, this doesn’t have to do with gender, this has more to do with energetics. So in this dance things start to move fast, and before you know it, it’s well are you going to see other people? No, I’m not. I’m not either, okay. So are we exclusive? Then are you my boyfriend? Are you my girlfriend? Okay. And then, you know, the first fight happens, and the first agreement happens, and then stuff really starts to get real. Okay, how much time are we really going to spend with each other? What is our dating life going to look like? Are we still going to keep going out to dinner every night? Like this is getting expensive for me.
And you start to create your own flow, your own form, your own draft, a revision. It’s like this canvas of a open relationship—not to say that it’s open sexually, but it’s this open canvas, and you begin to paint it with the colors of what you want this relationship to look like. And that is when a lot of the passion comes through because you’re like, “Wow, like this is really happening, and that’s hot. Like it is hot that someone is like kind of committing to me, and like wants to make this like work with me, like that is sexy.” And it’s just you and that person and this lust and this romance and it’s full on, it’s a volcano, pitta.
So there is that process, the fight’s happened too, but the fights can sometimes stimulate the love and the passion as long as it’s in a healthy way of course, nothing violent, nothing aggressive. But it can also go there if not kept in balance so it tends to get hot. And then what happens typically, not with everyone, is it goes through this sequence of, “Okay, now we’re engaged, and now we’re married, and now we’re moving in together, now we’re going to have a kid,” and it goes through this sequence of things. And I would say, I don’t know, I think about 90% of Americans get married. So you go through those sequences, you’re told, “Well, this is what you’re supposed to do when you’re in love. Like these are the steps that you’re supposed to follow, like I’m just guiding through, I’m just walking through the love steps.”
And you find yourself—and this oftentimes happens after the kids, not always, normally it’s sort of the kids, and I’m going to explain to you why, but it can also happen without kids—is you get into the kapha. And the kapha is when you’re really just comfortable with each other, and that person is just your little snuggle snug. And you know, instead of hot steamy nights like you are watching really steamy sex scenes in movies—really hot ones—and you may even grab that person’s hand, and you know, you don’t wear that lingerie anymore, it’s all about the sweatpants, and the bun on top of your hair, and putting on—you know, you don’t hide the face masks from him anymore, he comes home, the face mask is on. “Like shaving, meh, I don’t really know about that, it’s winter, I need to stay warm, and deodorant, I actually prefer natural deodorant, and I don’t really care if it doesn’t work, you know, I’d rather not get cancer.” Not like I’m speaking from experience, but no for real though, better to smell than get cancer.
So it starts to get really comfortable, which is beautiful, and that is actually how all relationships should feel. You should feel complete comfort, complete trust, complete just union with that person, that is really what creates the foundation of the relationship, that’s what creates the steadiness. And if you look at the dosha of kapha it is steady, it is the earth, it is structure, it is built in routine. Because that routine creates trust, I know you’re going to come home every night at 7:00, I know we’re going to sleep together every night, I know what we’re going to do on the weekends. And me knowing these things allows me to trust you, which also allows me to open up to you too.
So you do get to deeper levels of love, but it is a different kind of love. It is easy to turn into a love like siblings than a love like lovers. Let me explain why, and let me explain why I mentioned with the kids. So, speaking from a hormonal level, why we are attracted to someone is not because, you know, they look like how the guy in our vision board wanted them to look like, that is part of it. But really the reason why there’s attraction because there can be guys who look exactly like that guy on your vision board that you’re not attracted to.
Have you ever been on a date with someone and you’re like, “Like this person is perfect, this person is everything I want, but for some reason I just don’t want to kiss them,” and like they come near you, you’re like, “Uh!” But at the same time you’re like kind of mad at yourself, you’re like, “This is a really good guy, like why don’t I just like him?” But something in your body is just like, “X. X. X. No. Get away from me,” and that happens to do with your immune system.
So we are attracted to people who have opposite immune systems as us. Because if that person’s immune system is the opposite of us, together when we create an offspring it is going to have the strongest likelihood of survival. Fascinating, right? So our body literally is choosing people who we can have really healthy kids with, which is great, and this is based off of evolution. You know, we need to have healthy offspring for the world to continue and to move on.
So that’s why sometimes you’re like, “The guy is ugly, and weird, and has no job, but like I don’t know, I’m just attracted to him.” That is because your immune systems are the opposite, so your body is like, “Well, right on, we’re gonna have a healthy kid, so let’s go for it. Our kid’s gonna be able to battle off polio, gonorrhea, whatever life throws at them, boom.” No, I’m kidding, I think that doesn’t count. So the immune system, that’s what’s going on, that’s what the chemistry is, and it’s actually heightened when the female is ovulating.
Funny little story here, but there were a lot of women who were on birth control when they met their husbands. Maybe you were on birth control when you met your current partner, and when you were on birth control you no longer ovulate. Ovulating is when you are in your prime peak of fertility when you are dropping your egg, which is basically when your body is like, “Come get me,” because you have the strongest likelihood to conceive, and it’s actually the only time that you can conceive, it’s a small window, about four days max that you are actually able to conceive a child, believe it or not.
So during ovulation s when subtle changes happen in our face, in our eyes, in our skin that makes us even more attractive for men. Women when they’re ovulating they’ve done many, many studies like showing women of the same kind of beauty standards, and who are the men finding more attractive, and then they were switching them at different times of their cycles, and then the men always chose the women who were ovulating. So our bodies are sending these kind of subconscious signals of like, “I can have a baby right now,” and the men are picking up on that. We can talk more about like different like facial structures that men find attractive based off of fertility and evolution, I clearly geek out over this stuff.
So we are attractive to men when we’re ovulating, and we’re also attracted to men who have different immune systems to us. So when we are in a long term relationship, our hormones begin to shift, and that person is no longer this like stranger that we’re thinking, “Ooh, could I reproduce with you or not? What would that look like? What would that be like? Where would it be—in the bushes, in the alley?” It turns into like, “Honey, I know when you’re coming home, and I don’t have time, so we’re going to have to put that into the schedule if we want to make it happen. Okay, 5:00 PM Friday you come here,” and no one’s really in the mood because you can’t schedule in sex. I mean you can, but it loses the sexiness of it.
So our bodies begin to shift, and we begin to become more akin to that person, we become more similar to them. And when we have a baby with them, our immune systems actually begin to kind of coincide with each other because again, we see each other as kin as family, so they become more and more similar. The same thing that when we—and let me get back to the birth control thing—but when women are on their periods they are no longer attracted to the man who has a different type of immune system to her, they are attracted to the man who has a similar immune system to her. Not in the same like ravenous way, but in a protection way because someone with a similar immune system to you is probably someone that is like your family.
So the reason why they were calling birth control the divorce pill because so many women were finding their husbands while they were on the pill. And while you’re on the pill your body basically is always thinking it’s pregnant, you are never ovulating. So essentially your body’s in a permanent state of quasi-pregnancy. So your hormones get attracted to people with the same immune system as you. Now when these women are getting off the pill and they want to conceive with this husband suddenly they’re like, “Ugh, I don’t know, I just can’t stand his smell. Like I don’t know, something about him he’s like kind of repulsive to me now.”
And a lot of these women were getting divorces, like mass numbers of them, which is why they began to do scientific research on this and find that this was correlated with the immune systems and the sexuality between two partners. And that essentially you’re not making the smartest choice in partner when you are on the pill. So you can Google this up, look up the divorce pill, birth control, divorce, you’ll find a lot of stuff about it.
So why these long term relationships often have these problems is it’s not just when you’re on birth control that your immune systems begin to sync up, but it’s also in these long term relationships you become more and more similar to each other. Have you ever noticed like when you spend a lot of time with someone, even if it’s your partner, or a friend, like you guys start to kind of look alike. Have you noticed that? It’s like suddenly you guys have like the same skin color, and like the same like facial expressions, and you’re kind of morphing into one human. That is literally what happens.
But what sexual attraction is based off is polarity. And polarity are two opposites, you know, the yin and the yang. So you are not attracted sexually, you don’t want to ravish the person that is you. That is someone that you may experience a real sense of oneness with, but that’s not the person that you’re like, “Mm, come get me.” That’s not them. So what is happening in these long term relationships is we’re becoming too close almost. Not too close in an open your soul way, but almost like no boundaries, no mystery, everything is predictable at this point, and that takes away the opportunity for sexuality, and play, and discovery.
So I went to this incredible talk by John Gray who wrote “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,” the old school book, great one. And he shared this little ritual that him and his wife do every day, and they’ve been married for like, I don’t know, 50 years or something. And every day when he comes home she goes and kind of hides somewhere, and he finds her. Like sounds silly, right, like they play hide and seek and they’re like 80, but that’s what they do. And the reason why is because it’s all scientific.
So back in the evolutionary days, back in the cavemen days, the women would stay in the villages, and they would, you know, gather, and weave baskets, and you know, saying, “Who knows what we did back then, be in our red tents.” And the men who go out, and they would hunt, and they would go to the other villages, and fight wars, and it was always an element of risk. You know, what if he gets killed? What if a lion attacks him, et cetera.So and also what if he falls in love with someone else in another village, because that happened too, that’s a real fear that women have.
And again we see with epigenetics the fears and stresses of our ancestors are carried on in our bodies today. We are still dealing with things that we are not even aware of because they weren’t experienced in this lifetime. And I mean epigenetics is a real subject that is studied in Harvard, and M.I.T., and all the top institutes. We are seeing that stress is passed on intergenerationally.
So imagine for like 200,000 years this was happening that the men would go off and the women weren’t sure if he’s going to come back. Is he going to come back and still love me? Is he going to come back and say, “I have a new bride.” So when the men would come back to the village the women would be a little bit distant. And again, this is a subconscious thing, but they’d be a little distant. “Oh, I’m busy, I’m weaving my basket. Oh, I was just getting water. Oh, you’re back. Hey, how was your voyage?” And the reason why she is doing this is because she wants to see if she was still chosen. She wants to see if the man comes back and like runs and finds her and is like, “Uh!” embraces here and is like, “I love you. I missed you. Oh my god, I am so happy to be back. I worship you. Like you were the only thing I thought about the whole entire time, so glad to be back in your arms. This feels like home to me, thank you, I love you, I love you, I’m never leaving again.”
Like she wants to feel that ravishment, she wants to feel held, she wants to feel chosen, she wants to feel loved. She wants to know that you weren’t over there with miss Rapunzel in the other village or that you didn’t die, or you’re not interested anymore, she wants to feel chosen. And this is still happening in our modern households, we aren’t in jungles, but the same essence is reoccurring.
So have you ever noticed—and you may have seen this in your parents, I know that I have—is the man comes home from work and the mom is just like, “Oh, I’m just in the kitchen like cutting vegetables.” Like she’s sort of like nonchalant about it, you know. Like I remember my mom would just like be busy. Like she was upstairs, “Oh hey, you’re late.” Like you know, whereas a dog is like, “Ah, hi, I missed you! Eh, what’s up, what’s up, wanna play, wanna play! I missed you, I missed you!”
You know, and it is so important for a man at that moment to drop his bag, not say hi to the dog, not check the mail, but to go up and find that woman, find that woman wherever she is and let her know that she is still chosen. And just in that little dance, that little hide and seek you do, you are creating polarity, even in a long term relationship. And this is creating sexual attraction, and passion, and lust, and romance.
So that’s a small thing everyone can do if you are the more feminine partner in your relationship you can hide a little bit. I know I am like I like crouch. Like obviously he knows I’m there, but I like to be a little bit dramatic about it. I’ll like actually like hide in like child’s pose and try to like really not be seen, but I go over the top. So you can just do a nonchalant little hide and then see.
You can tell him, I mean I told him, I was like, “This is the game we’re playing. You’re going to come find me and make sure that you chose me every single day because this is what John Gray said.” But we do this dance, and I love it, and we both love it, and it actually helps boost up the testosterone in him and the estrogen in me. Because the man feels like, “I am man, and I came, and I chose you, and that makes me a masculine man,” again, it’s just a genetic thing. And the woman feels like, “Oh, see he still wants me, he still loves me, he still cares.” Even though he was just like at work like two blocks away. It’s just those little things that boost up the romance.
And what has happened in today’s society is we try to pretend that like difference in gender identities don’t exist. And again, when I say gender identities I can say man and woman, but again, in same sex relationships this still exists too. There can be one more feminine partner, one more masculine partner even in same sex, transsexual relationships, et cetera. Because romance needs polarity, two people who are the exact same like two like manly men, like what are they going to do, like go chase each other? Like there needs to be one hider and one seeker, one ravisher and one person who has to trust and surrender. This is what creates polarity.
So in these long term relationships what you can do is to just create little scenarios like this. Little ways that he feels like he is in control, he feels like he can like scoop you up and ravish you, and that makes him feel strong, and like a provider. Because the masculine wants to feel like they’re providing for the feminine and the feminine wants to feel chosen, loved, held, cherished. Not to say the masculine doesn’t want to feel those things either, but this is just the general principle.
So if you are someone who identifies more with “I just want to go like find someone and hunt them down and like make them know that they’re mine,” then you will resonate more with the masculine. If you are someone that wants that to happen to you, you want someone just to choose you who’s like, “Come on, babe, I got you, like you can trust me,” then you resonate more with the feminine. So know that that exists and how to create that. So a lot of us women, because we’ve sort of had to, we do it all ourselves, and you know, and it’s a good thing. We can make our money, we can take care of our houses, like we actually don’t need men, we really don’t, I mean unless you want to have a child, but you could get IVF.
So it’s created this weird time period for men, especially, because they’re like, “I don’t really know what to do. Like I don’t really know if she wants to be seduced. I don’t really know if she wants to be ravished. Am I being sexist? Or am I doing all the wrong things?” So you also need to be clear in your communication with what it is you want to expect. Like this idea of being ravished may not sound good to you. This idea of being chosen may sound weird and childish to you. Well then that’s not for you then, you’re not in that super feminine state that you want that.
But for a lot of people, even if they may feel bad admitting it to themselves but they do want to feel that, they do want to feel chosen, and held, and cherished, but they feel like that makes them weak, or a girly girl, or stupid. And you have to be honest with yourself even if you’re a successful badass woman with a seven-figure business, like you could still want someone to play hide and seek with you when you get home, and that’s okay, and that is beautiful.
So I think it’s really important to have a conversation with that person of like what are your expectations? Maybe that person, your partner doesn’t feel like he’s in his masculine. Maybe he feels like he comes home and he takes out the trash and you’re like, “I could do that myself.” And he opens the door you’re like, “Don’t open the door for me. I’m a feminist.” And you know, kind of shooting down his every move, and because of that he stopped trying. So you have to be clear is this something that you want or is this not something that you want?
And if it is, then when he does it also reaffirm with positive affirmation that this is what you want. Like “oh my god, babe, thanks so much for taking out the trash, really appreciate that, really was super helpful today, it was a busy day. Thanks so much for opening the door, you’re so cute. Oh, thank you so much for walking the dog. You’re such a sweetheart.”
Like little things like that men literally just want—they’re like little puppies, they just want someone to be like, “Good boy. We love you.” Like that’s what they want, they just want positive affirmation just like us, and sometimes we are so quick to shoot down men because of our own wounds from the masculine, our own fathers breaking our hearts, and the real intergenerational wounding of the masculine has happened to the feminine, but it’s not these people’s fault. It is not that man who has, you know, nothing to do with it, it’s not his fault, and we’re almost like punishing them for something that they didn’t do.
So the only way that we’re going to have these passionate long term relationships is to clearly communicate, to drop any like passive aggression from the past. A lot of us are harboring from times that we have been let down, or let’s say we went through a rough patch in the relationship, and we got over it, but we never really talked about why that happened. Maybe there was infidelity in the relationship and we decided to stay together, but your heart is still a little bit hurt, and still mending from that, and you’re not making it clear but you’re just being passive aggressive about it. Maybe you’re not spending as much time together so you’re just feeling distant, and you know, you’ve told him, but he’s not changing, so again you’re feeling passive aggressive.
The feminine often reacts this way. You’re just kind of angry, but you’re not communicating whereas the masculine can’t really read between the lines. The feminine has a much stronger intuitive sense. They can tell instantly when something’s off with a man. “Oh, he had a weird day, he had this,” we’re like little like brujas, we’re little witches. But the masculine doesn’t get it, they’re like, “You need to tell it to me in plain English for me to get.”
So when you’re just being passive aggressive, they’re just like at first they may not get it, and then they’re just like, “She’s just—that’s her personality like she’s just bitchy.” And that’s not what you want and this is what happens in a lot of long term relationships. The man feels like “my wife is just always in a bad mood about something, she’s so moody, she won’t even tell me what it is.” And then the woman’s like, “How does he not read between the lines? I’m mad at him about how he doesn’t take out the trash, he doesn’t pick up the kids, he doesn’t do this, he doesn’t do that.” But you’re not communicating it with him, you’re just saying it in these little passive aggressive comments.
Like “Huh, I had a really busy day because I’m the only one doing things around here in this household. Huh, here’s your pasta.” And that’s not clear communication, that is just saying something without really saying it. And you know, to really say something, to really have a conversation takes courage. It takes courage to be like, “Hey, I feel like you haven’t been as fully present in this relationship as I have, and I feel like I’ve been putting in a lot more to it than you have, and I know you’ve been busy, you’ve had a lot on your plate, but I’m just sort of feeling like you don’t care about this as much as you used to, you’re not really like taking action towards romantic gestures. Or whatever it is that your problem is, you’re not picking up the kids, you’re not this, you’re not that.”
But you have to have that clarity first in you of what that issue is. So the first step is to know what the issue is, the second step is to be able to communicate it, and the third step is to communicate it calmly, efficiently, and the fourth step is to listen back, and to get not judgmental, or angry, or in a fit when he says, “Well, I’m actually mad at you for doing X, Y, Z things.” And you’re like, “Wait, no, I’m supposed to be the one who’s mad at you and now you’re throwing this at me.” And then that escalates into a fight, which then doesn’t get resolved because you are still afraid of the crystal clear communication, you’re still getting way too personal about it so then it turns into this ongoing thing which leads to more passive aggressive comments, et cetera.
So really a lot of a couple’s sex life is a reflection on their communication and how strong their communication is. So better communication equals better sex, equals better polarity, better chemistry, and a better life because it is, you know, sexuality is an important part of the human experience. And if you don’t have that passion, and that lust and romance, and you don’t feel really like swept off your feet, or like in the masculine, whatever your preference is if you don’t feel that you’re going to eventually search for it somewhere else.
Now another interesting thing that I wanted to share that I actually was reading in “Mating in Captivity” is that female hormones radically shift after giving birth to a child, and in a way, that child takes a lot of a woman’s sensuality. In that the child is sort of filling up that woman’s need to be close to someone, and to eye gaze with someone, and to nuzzle up with someone, and even breast-sucking. Though obviously breastfeeding is not in a sexual way, but you’re still like nourishing someone and giving someone life. And there’s a lot of play when you have kids you’re playing, you’re getting creative, you’re still activating that same sacral chakra, which is in charge of creativity, abundance, and pleasure.
Have the “Sex, Money, Magic” master class coming up this November where we dive deep into the sacral chakra, so head over to my show notes to learn more about sacral chakra work; excited to do this. But when we are tapping into the sacral chakra then we don’t need to look for it in other places. So a lot of times what happens is the woman gives birth, and now suddenly this beautiful baby is filling her up, and she’s feeling so much joy and pleasure and creativity and essentially sensuality, but then the guy is like, “Well, where do I fit in?” You know, and it’s obviously sensuality is different than sexuality. It’s not that you have sexual feeling towards your own child, but that child becomes the love of your life. It’s a falling in love process, a very, very deep love, and then a lot of times the man feels left out because he’s like, “Well, who am I now? She’s so in love with this other person and I’m just sort of the dick that made it,” that loses the polarity.
So even though your baby may be filling up your life, and you’re feeling so much joy, and gratitude, and playfulness with this beautiful child, and you’re staring into each other’s eyes, and that’s filling you up on a soul level. So when you’re not with a kid you want some time alone, or you want to take a shower, exercise, or like do all of the self-care things that you need to do as a human. Well, you have to think that this relationship also takes work and that this is another human in it. And you know, a lot of the conversation has been about how women are not just these sexual creatures, but we are also creatures that—things that have jobs and can be entrepreneurs that have these like masculine qualities, which is very true and has been a huge part of my learning express.
So we can say that women are able to do it all, but how come we dismiss that men have emotions? Almost like when men get emotional we’re like, “Oh, we’ll just suck it up. Like I have a baby, just suck it up.” Like we almost don’t allow men to have emotions but we are demanding that we are taken seriously but then we are not letting the man’s feminine come through. So if a man feels wounded and hurt, please, encourage him to speak up about that, encourage him, hold that sacred space for him. Just tell him like, “I see you, I understand you, I’m really sorry if I made you feel forgotten, or unimportant. Like this is just what’s happening to me right now, and this baby is really filling up my life, and I’m so exhausted when I’ not with them. But you are a priority to me and you are the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. And even when this child grows up, and goes to college, and doesn’t want to call us anymore, like you are the person that I’m still going to be with.”
And a lot of times what has happened, especially in modern American upbringing, is we put so much focus on the child, and our whole life becomes the child, and the whole family’s life becomes around the kid’s school, and then what are they going to do after school, what are they going to do in the summer, in the college, and blah blah blah. And everything becomes centered around this child that your own mate becomes a stranger. And instead of looking face-to-face you’re side-to-side and you’re facing this child. And then what happens when the child walks away and lives its own life, which newsflash, is going to happen and that kid is not going to want you crouching down his back. Well, you’re living with a stranger and this is what is happening to so many men and women.
So it is so important for us to rekindle that relationship before the flames have left. Because by then we’re going to be two different people and you can have a courtship process later on in life but why not prevent yourself from getting there. And I know that people listening are at all stages of relationships and life, but this is important for you to know whether you are 19 years old or whether you are 90 years old. You have to make active attention to anything you want in life. You want to have a better physique you have to exercise, you want to eat cleaner you gotta cook, you want to be spiritual you gotta have a meditation practice. Whatever it is, you have to do that work to get there.
But when it comes to relationships we almost thing like, “Oh, that’s just the thing that just happens. Like I’m already married or we already live together, that’s just supposed to be the easy thing.” And though a relationship should feel like ease and grace, it still takes commitment, it still takes time, it still takes an active initiative, and this is what happens in the long term relationship. We take each other for ranted too often and we just think, “Well that person’s already here, and everything’s okay, we don’t have a big problem so what’s the point of paying attention to it,” and then slowly, slowly we become strangers.
Now another thing that I see happens in long term relationships—and this is like my specific experiences that I’ve seen—is that a lot of times one person is on a spiritual journey. And they are becoming more conscious, they are opening up their minds to nutrition, and health, and meditation, and all of these other alternative areas that are not so mainstream and the other partner is not into this sort of stuff. So it tends to be that one partner is trying to essentially catapults this other person’s spiritual journey, which is not possible.
So the question is really can you change someone? Can you help someone grow? And no, you can’t change someone, but yes, you can help someone grow. So I don’t like to give absolutes for anything, I think it is a spectrum. You can’t make someone spiritual who doesn’t want to be spiritual. If someone’s like their guards go up the moment you mention the word Ayurveda, it’s probably they’re not going to read my book, you know, that’s not going to happen, let’s be real. But there are ways that you can open someone up to something just from them seeing its benefits in your life.
So instead of you being like, “Babe, you need to start tongue scraping, you need to do this, you need to do that,” and like giving this list of things that he needs to do, which sounds like a job and a task which he already has enough of and he doesn’t want more of from his partner. Instead, you start doing all those things, you start tongue scraping, dry brushing, meditating, going to crystal infused yoga classes, whatever it is that you want to do, and come back and just show him how amazing you feel. And sometimes, again, vocalize it, animate it. Be like, “Oh, I feel so relaxed right now I just went to this amazing yoga class. It was so good, so healing. Ah, I just I went to the chiropractor, my back feels so good.” Instead of being like, “Babe, your posture sucks, you need to go to a chiropractor.”
You just do it and you start vocalizing how you feel. He’s going to get interested, he’s going to want to know, “Oh wow, she feels really amazing doing these things. I’d like to do that too.” So that’s sort of the step one. Now a lot of you guys are saying, “I already do that and it’s still not working.” So the step two is to offer the invitation to do something together. So that could be like, you know, maybe he doesn’t want to go to hot yoga class, that’s too intense for him. But maybe he’s open to go to a sound bowl healing. You know, he just has lay down there and listen to music, basically. You can just tell him it’s this like concert pretty much.
And then when he’s in that vibration he may be like, “Wow, this is actually really amazing and I feel really good, “and then he’s going to want to keep going. Or just like, “Babe, I’d love to go on a walk with you or go to the beach with you or whatever it is.” And then when you’re there be like, “Let’s just take a few moments to like ground in and meditate.” So it’s not like, “We’re going to go meditate today.” It’s like you’re there, you’re in this setting, and it’s like “let’s just take one minute to meditate.” Or before you eat just be like, “I’d love to just, you know, say a prayer of gratitude right now.” Like he’s not going to be like, “No, fuck gratitude.” Like he’ll do it if it’s a minute long and he’s in the moment, and the other side is food.
You know, so you just want to infuse it into life. You know, maybe he doesn’t want to go vegan overnight, but you start just cooking more vegan dishes, and he tries it, and he’s like, “Oh, this is actually really good.” And instead of getting his regular bread maybe you get, you know, a gluten-free bread and then you transition into a grain-free bread, and then you stop doing the grains, and you know, you cycle.
So it doesn’t have to be this absolute, you don’t really need to tell him what it is you’re doing. Like sometimes like we think we have to explain ourselves so much. Like you don’t need to tell him like, “I’m going to be making you healthy over the next six months, you wait and see.” Unless he wants that, but you can just start like how you would a kid, like start slipping some veggies in their food. Like basically trick them into being healthier, and before they know it, their lifestyle has shifted.
I know when I started dating my fiancé he was not healthy. He would eat pizza, stay up late, like super not healthy at all. And I wasn’t like, “This is how you have to be, this is how I am and I’m only going to date guys who are like that.” I tried to only date guys that are like that and there was no polarity there, there was no, you know, I wasn’t attracted to them. Cause I was like, “This is just me in a man’s body and ugh, it’s too—this is just too emotional right now between the two of us.” Like oh, I’m out, I wanted someone who really had that masculine quality, but a lot of the men in the masculine quality are not the ones who drink green juice and go to yoga classes.
So I just kept up my practice and then he would try to come with me to yoga, and he said, “I really just don’t like this hot yoga,” but then eventually start to like the regular temperature yogas, and just the easy ones. Like believe it or not, he doesn’t like the crazy hip hop yogas. Like men and the masculine in general really likes stillness. They really like to have nothingness, emptiness space. Like that is very attractive for the masculine, whereas the feminine loves flow, and you know, nature, and sounds, and all of these things going on. Like we more feminine minded people really love that whereas the masculine is like stillness, that’s an awesome feeling for the masculine. And you know, we all have masculine inside of us too, the feminine also has a masculine to it. So that side of you that like stillness is your masculine side. Btu more masculine-centric people tend to have more of that energy.
So I realized he doesn’t like these loud hip hop sweaty yoga classes that I go to but he actually really likes the silent traditional ones. Cool, I’ll go with you to that. And you know, he started to drink kombucha, then he got green kombucha, and then he tried green juice, and then it was the ones with apple, and then he transitioned to the ones without apples, and now he’s having celery juice.
And you know, it’s this longer process, but it’s never like the mother pulling the son’s ear like, “You gotta do this” because the moment you take that stance you become the mother, and a man can never be attracted to his mother. And a lot of times it’s husband and mother relationships, the wife becomes the mom. And you don’t want to have that with your man, you want him to see you as this like gorgeous sexy thing that he just wants to gulp up. You don’t want him to see you as his mom that every time he comes home there’s endless list of things to do because there’s going to be no polarity and no attraction.
So you vibrate yourself, you introduce him gradually to things that he may like. Again, start simple, and see how it goes, be intuitive about it, don’t overdo it. And if he wants to have beer and eat pizza one night, let him do it, and then let him have the stomach ache the next day, and just you don’t need to be like, “I told you so,” but be like, “Mm, like okay, well do you want to have maybe some vegan food today with me?” Again, don’t be judgmental. I know it’s super, super hard, it’s really hard don’t say like, “I told you so.” I’m not perfect, I say “I told you so” still sometimes but now he doesn’t drink the beers, he doesn’t eat the pizzas, he’s gone like vegan now. And it was because I held the space and I let him make the steps so it came from him instead of from me. Because only change that comes from you can last, change that comes from the outside can never last.
And then you have the spectrum of people that you can try to give it to them, you can try to make it as fun and friendly as possible, and they still don’t want to have it. And sometimes they can even be negative, they don’t want you to have it either. They don’t like to see how you’ve changed. They may say, “Oh, you’re so weird now. Like now you’re into all this weird yoga shit. Oh, you used to be cool, used to go out drinking with me, now you don’t want to drink, now you don’t want to do this.” And they may not be supportive of your growth journey, and they can actually be derailing you.
So that is when you start to potentially revisit the relationship. Again, doesn’t mean you have to break up, I see couples who are total opposites, and they’re still totally in love, but if this is becoming a massive problem that you feel like you can’t be yourself because your partner is constantly shooting you down, this is when you revisit the relationship. And you know, it’s obviously easier if you’re just dating versus you’re married versus you have kids. Obviously the more stake you have in the game, legal papers, offspring, it makes it more difficult to separate, but it doesn’t make it impossible.
There are people who do separate and they still very much love each other, but they know that they weren’t just the right ones for one another. And it could be a very mutual—there’s a great book called “Conscious Uncoupling” about this. But sometimes we change and that partner is changing as well but on a different growth journey. Or maybe they aren’t changing and they’re remaining stagnant and this is the time to revisit and see is this really where you want to be going, is this going to be the greatest outcome for both of your growths to continue this relationship together. Or is one person or both parties going to remain stagnant by staying together?
And this can be a really hard thing to come to face-to-face because you know, you may really love that person, and you may really want that person to live a healthy and happy life. And it may really break your heart to see that they’re not trying, and to see that it seems like they genuinely just don’t care. And you can care as much for them, but if they don’t care, there’s nothing you can do about that. And it’s hard, you know, a lot of us we have parents that no matter what, they refuse to take the herbs, they refuse to eat the healthy food. They can’t—my dad’s like, “I’d rather die than eat your healthy food,” like that’s literally how he feels about it.
And you know, what can you do, shove it down their throats? People are sovereign beings and everyone has their own journeys, and experiences, and they have to learn these things for themselves and the sad thing is it doesn’t always have the best outcome. And this is when you have to just let go and you have to keep doing you. And if you’re in a romantic partnership with someone who’s like that, you can try, try, try but a lot of times we spend our whole lives trying to heal someone that doesn’t want to heal themselves and we end up hurting ourselves, and we end up dimming our lights.
And when we dim our lights we are doing a disservice to all of the people around us, and all of the people that we could have potentially affected as well. You know, your kids may see almost a zombie version of you because you’ve just lost so much of yourself trying to fix someone that refuses to be fixed. And sometimes that person can even respond in a verbally or even physically abusive way. And if there’s any kind of abuse then it’s definitely time to walk away.
So I can do more podcasts on this too if you guys like please let me know in the review section on iTunes. Be like, “I want to know more about long term relationships, I want to know more about love, I want to know more about meeting, and ghosting, and break-ups, and all that stuff.” Like let me know what you guys are into cause I’d love to talk about it, I love geeking out about this. I always say like people interview me they’re like, “If you weren’t an Ayurvedic author what would you be?” I’m like, “I would be a matchmaker, one hundo” cause I love talking about this stuff. And growing up I was like my parents’ therapist essentially, like whenever they had a fight I’d be like, “Okay, you sit in that corner, you sit here, okay you talk, okay now stop, how do you think?”
So I kind of grew up as a therapist and a lot of us have had that too and it definitely makes you see things without the emotions attached and also see things in both perspectives. So see it as a blessing if you grew up like that. I know it can be a really difficult thing to deal with as a child, but it is a blessing because you’re able to see the bigger picture because you love both of your parents and you want the best for both of them. And when you’re in the relationship sometimes it’s more difficult because the emotions are totally in there.
And I say, you know, think about what advice would you give a friend who is in that situation. If you have a partner that, you know, you keep getting back together and that he cheats on you, you get back together and he lies to you, you get back together and he did this. What would you do if a friend was in that situation? What would be your clear response? And then why isn’t it that you’re choosing that? And the reason why is because you love that person, that is the reason why.
But sometimes love is not enough to hold the relationship together. Because a relationship takes trust, it takes two parties both working on becoming the best versions of themselves and simultaneously working on creating this container for a sacred relationship. Because there could be two people out there who are really doing a good job at working on themselves and they’ve totally lost sight of the relationship, and then they just go off in their own separate paths. And it’s like, “Hey, like it was good knowing ya, but I don’t feel like we are connecting anymore.” So that happens too.
But I have a lot of faith in long-term relationships. I am not an open relationships person personally, it is not my personal choice if that’s what you wanna do, all the power to you. For me, it is not my choice, I actually think there’s such beauty in monogamy. I think there’s such a beauty to see one person and say, “Okay, I’m willing to do this life with you. Like let’s do life, what a beautiful thing.” And to know that that person is going to bring up your worst sides, all of your shadows, all the parts of you that you try to hide from everyone else, that person’s going to bring them up and that’s also the person that you love the most.
So the person you love the most is going to see the worst sides of you. That’s a lot to commit to, but when you do that, it’s such an optimal level of a growth journey and I know some people say that open relationships are such a spiritual journey, and they can be if you choose them to be. But I also I believe monogamy is such a beautiful spiritual journey because it is taking someone and saying, “How can I figure out ways to continue to make this exciting even though I know everything about you down to your last freckle?”
And it is a challenge that has great and beautiful rewards. What a reward it is to be able to grow with someone and to totally, you know, know that person insides and out and still be excited to talk to them when you wake up in the morning. You know, I see my grandparents, they’ve been married for 60 years I think now, and they’re always talking. Like they’re always in communication, it’s crazy, like they just talk all day long. And they live by themselves, and they’re always like—they have so much to talk about. Like you know, I lived with them a few years ago, and I lived in L.A., when I first moved to L.A., and I was like “Damn, these people are like always having conversations.”
And you would think someone you’ve lived with for 60 years you’d have run out of things to talk about like a good 50 years ago. But they’re like, “What do you think about this and that?” And they listen to radio shows together, and then they talk about the radio show, and they have like debates with each other about topics, and they watch the news, and then they talk about the news, they find ways to keep it exciting.
And this is something that this is something that we have to take on ourselves, you know. When you first meet someone you don’t have to do anything to make it exciting, it already is exciting. But when you’ve known someone for one year, six years, 60 years, you have to figure out ways to make it exciting. And that is such a beautiful challenge to take on because it allows you to be creative, it allows you to play more, it allows you to come up with things that you normally wouldn’t have.
And it also allows you to look deep within yourself because your partner is your mirror, and your partner is showing you all of the sides of yourself that you may not have wanted to look at. Because they’re not pretty, and they don’t make sense, and you don’t feel loved, and seen, and you have an old childhood wound there, and that’s going to come up in a long term relationship. And what a beautiful, spiritual opportunity to learn through divine sacred partnership and enhance both of your lives as individuals and as a whole.
So if you loved this episode, let me know in the iTunes notes, and be sure to pre-order my new book, “Eat Feel Fresh.” Head over to eatfreelfresh.com/book and submit your receipt and I will send you bonuses, including bonus recipes, my e-book on best essential oils for the dosha, we have the “Eat Right For Your Mind Body Type” program free if you order ten copies, and lots more.
So head over there, I’m so excited to share this book with you. And if you want to dive in deeper about abundance mindset I am launching my new “Abundance Mindset” master class, this is going to teach you the ways that your unique dosha relates to money and abundance, and I’m also going to be leading a six-week program on setting up your own online business. So head over to the show notes as well or my website, iamsahararose.com, you’ll find all the details there, and I’m so excited to share it with you. Namaste.
Episode 137 – How to Preserve Passion in Long Term Relationships with Sahara Rose